Monday, January 21, 2013
It's Monday. The weekend went so fast and yet is full of wonderful memories. The day had it's share of ups and downs, but luckily none involved Zack. He hung out with his friends at the house, worked on the old Ford we are trying to sell and managed to find a buyer, he just needs to fix one part, which he is totally capable of doing, so he is excited.
I had my first counseling session in a couple of months. Jim is a clinical psychologist and acupuncturist. (http://www.cihh-brevard.com/JNourse.htm ).What, you thought I "held it all together" on my own? He is great at what he does and offers "homework" to keep me focused on the big picture. It seems that everything goes back to my childhood and being dumped by my biological father, but THAT is for another blog, another time, or perhaps never! It seems ridiculous to me that it would even be an issue since I was adopted by an amazing man, whose last name I still carry proudly, but it seems that most of what I am learning in life always seems to go back to the beginning. Even what we are going through with Zack and his journey. Which friends are standing by us, which ones do we feel "abandoned" by and how not to take anything personally.
There are so many aspects to this journey, so many things to learn, to live with, to accept and at times to dismiss. It wasn't until this past weekend that I really realized how angry I was / am at the ignorance of some. Zack has been compared to another young cancer patient in town, with comments like, "He's a guy, he can take it." to "well if they need to, at least they can cut off his leg" or my all time favorite, "he is a big kid," as if size has anything to do with it." His treatments were even compared with flippant disregard to the entire process he must endure. I want to scream, this is not a contest people!! This sucks for everyone involved most especially the kids. Pure ignorance! Luckily I am guided and have tools each day on how to make it through the tough times. I find myself teaching those tools to Zack and yes, even his friends. I am learning that it's okay to be angry, it doesn't mean I'm a bad person or wish anyone harm. It's just part of my survival mode for now, it doesn't mean I'm going to feel this way forever either.
I came home from a long day at work, getting files cleaned up. Zack and his friends brought me dinner earlier, so I was able to go right into packing for tomorrow. We are supposed to go into the Hospital this week and I'm sure even if Zacks counts are low that they will still admit him. They can't skip too many weeks in the schedule. His mood and that of his friends was more somber tonight. Of course "if you ask a stupid question..." Zack just looks at me and says "what I can't be in a pissy mood?" What else would I answer with but "go for it, you have every right." He stands up, gives me a great big teddy bear hug and wishes me a good nights sleep. Frank offers to help get things ready for tomorrow, but it's already set from last weeks packing.
I am relieved the day is over, not that I'm wishing tomorrow to be here so soon, but with every night's sleep is another wish for a better tomorrow for my kid. With gratitude to those whom have chosen to stay in our lives, love us no matter what and support us even if it's not "fun" right now ,we have new hope each day for a better tomorrow and perhaps, a little less anger.