Where are we and who are you?

Wednesday, Aug  15, 2012
The first night was rough for our "little man". Not the treatment, but the care. Don't get me wrong, the nurses here are amazing and are doing their job. They have all, one by one fallen in Love with Zack. Pediatric nurses are a breed all their own. What courage it must take to care for all of these "sick" children, to walk into the room with bright smiles on their faces, knowing what they know about the condition of each child. Every hour or so a nurse would come in, check the IV drip, open a bag, replace the IV fluid , take his blood pressure, take his temperature, change the settings on the monitor. Every two hours the monitor alarm would sound, Zack would turn it off and call the nurse. He would quietly get out of bed to use the restroom, quietly open the squeaky door, quietly unplug his monitor. HE was worried about waking ME up!

Being a heavy snorer (there I admitted it) we had an agreement that should I keep him awake (little did we know what we were in for) he should just say "MOM", and I'll wake up.  Zack had decided to try his own method. He told me in the morning that as soon as I would start, he would make a light whistle sound and I would stop!

We wake up about 7:30 am ,I decide to shower and get ready for work when his breakfast arrives. Keep in mind we are in the pediatric wing of the hospital. Zack is 6'5" and 320 lbs. They bring him a "children's" portion of pancakes and one sausage link, milk and what appeared to be oatmeal. He takes two bites and the meal is gone, takes a big gulp of milk and with a sour look on his face spits it out. "Mom... NOW the milk tastes bad because of this treatment." I feel bad for him and tell him we will just have to figure out what tastes good." As I'm cleaning up his area around the bed, I take the carton of milk and pour it down the sink, clump after clump comes out, I look at Zack and tell him "it's not the taste, the milk is bad, it expired three days ago". He is relieved and pissed at the same time. New lesson, check the date on all foods while in the hospital, mistakes can be made.

I run up and down the halls three times trying to locate his new nurse (Chris), Chris has his head shaved, and could pass for a younger (less attractive, sorry NO ONE can match my guy) Vin Diesel ( Okay so I'm obsessed!!).  The shifts run from 7 -7. It is already 8:30 and I need to leave by 9 to make it to work. I meet him in the hall and introduce myself. I have heard that he is great with the kids, especially teenagers and immediately he is talking about the different X-box games, he assures me he will tell the cafeteria about the milk incident and will show Zack around the unit. He was surprised that Zack was already up, most of the kids sleep late around here. He has a calm demeanor and I feel confident enough to leave Zack in his care, I give Zack a big hug and tell him Dad will be in this evening after work.

As I'm pulling out of the Hospital I want to cry, the tears don't come easily right now. I am in caregiver mode, I am in tough, I have, as Oprah likes to say "taken a big girl pill". NOTHING is going to get me down. I can do this, I can leave him and know that he is going to be well taken care of. He has become his own advocate after all and has become accustomed to telling the nurses what he needs. He doesn't want me hanging around all day staring at him or maybe it's me watching Grey's Anatomy that irritates him. Ha ha.. He knows the names of the medicine as if he has been taking it his whole life. He knows what they are giving him, for what, when, how he is expected to react to it and what he can ask for to help him tolerate it better. He tells them how fast or slow to put the IV flush (when they are cleaning out his IV). I tell myself it will only be a few hours and Frank will be there with him, then I can go home, crawl into bed and take a break.

I walk into work like a zombie. My head is in a fog. I am having problems seeing the papers in front of me. I can't remember patients names and yet I just saw them the other day. I see peoples mouths moving, but don't understand what they are saying to me. Wasn't I just at the Hospital? Did I just leave my kid there? Is this a dream and I'm going to wake up? Wait a minute.. I know this feeling. I had it not too long ago. I'm tired, maybe even exhausted though don't know what the difference is anymore. I know if I ask to go home, Steve and Nancy would hold the door open and say "yes, go home and rest", but I don't want to do that either, if I'm not at work then I need to be in the Hospital. I decide to snap out of it as best as I can and focus on one thing at a time. What is right in front of me that needs my attention. Oh.. I remember now.. Step One.... Two... Three.... Four... By the time the day ends, I feel I have done my best.  I remember " The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. "Always do your best. If we do our best, that is good enough, some days our best is 100% and sometimes it is 75%, but as long as we do our best we are honoring ourselves and those around us." I am my own worst critic when it comes to doing my best, I can be hard on myself, but that's what makes me try even harder in everything I do. That's a big part of who I am.

I Skype Zack at lunch time. He has an MP3 player and I have a phone that connects with Skype. I can see he is in a good mood. He has had a lot of company, his Uncle Mitch took an extended lunch break to spend time with him. Our friends Jeff  & Kelly came bringing her homemade "healthy cookies".. Zack likes to call them "Kelly Cookies" and are they ever delicious. Jeff brings him a bunch of hunting magazines. His best friend Drake and Amy (yet another Mother he has claimed) ,with such friends I will gladly share the title. Visitors help pass the time.  It was only a couple of hours after everyone left that Frank arrives bringing his hard drive for the x-box (now he can store more games) and then Forrest arrives bringing more games.  Zack is in a good space as he visits with Forrest and Frank. He loves having people around and being in an enclosed room for days is tough, even for a person that likes to "hide out" in his room at home. I feel better after seeing him and finding out his treatment is going well, with little side effects this time around.

I text Shawn and Floyd and ask if they are up to having dinner somewhere. I need to do something "normal" have a light dinner with someone before heading home to an empty house. Most times it would be a welcome relief, but today, I find myself  wanting to be with some people, even just for a short time. They are happy to "join me", we agree on the location and have a wonderful dinner together. What a nice surprise when Floyd picks up the ticket and refuses to let me pay. I have had my little bit or normal and am ready to head home. I call the hospital on the way home, missing both Frank and Zack. They have brought an air mattress in for Frank to sleep on, as per my request from earlier today. I know they are both going to have a better night's sleep. Once home, I find there is billing to be done for Frank's business, I take care of that, then decide to color my hair (oops, you thought it was natural?) and take the scissors to cut it as well. At this stage of the game I don't have the time or inclination to make an appointment and try and fit another thing into our schedule. (I am told later that I did a good job, yeah).

Thursday Aug 16, 2012
Frank and Zack had a good night's sleep. The air mattress worked well. Zack was even teasing that Frank snored more than I do. As the day progresses, Zack's mood gets worse. He is done with the treatment, he is done with being in the Hospital. Nothing I can say will cheer him up. He asked if I could call Melanie to come over and visit. I immediately text her and asked if she was able to do so. Being the kind of person she is, Mel brought her daughter to her mothers house and was on her way within an hour. When people tell you they want to help, BELIEVE them!!! ASK!! They are good people, wanting to make someone's life better, easier and we all want to be there for someone, to help anyone. We are so grateful, Mel was able to pull him out of his funk for a little while at least. Who can blame him. He is a 16 year old that is used to hanging out with his friends, who are now in school. He just got a car and is unable to work on it until he recovers from the treatment. So, yes, He has a very good excuse for being bummed out.

Zack is thrilled to have yet another photo taken!

I arrive at the Hospital and Zack's color looks good. He usually is very pale during chemo, but he actually is a bit flushed. He tells me that it he had to take out his contacts, another "side effect" as his eyes get bloodshot easily. Rhonda as already been around thinking I would be there already, she went to pick up Peter to bring him back to see his cousin. I get settled in and a new nurse Amy enters. She is young and full of energy, is teasing Zack and he teases back. It's nice to hear him sound better, though I can tell he isn't feeling that great. We visit with Rhonda and Peter awhile and the head nurse announces over the speakers that it's time for visitors to leave. Rhonda offers to pick up dinner for me and bring it back, but I'm just ready to relax and visit with Zack.

He receives multiple texts from friends with promises to visit tomorrow after school. The news seems to cheer him up a bit. Within the hour, he calls for the nurse and asks for his nightly Bendryl. He is feeling nauseous and the medicine helps him relax and fall asleep. Amy brings in the medicine, and soon he is fast asleep.  Day three is down, but who's counting.

Hospital bound..

It is 7:30 am and Zack, Frank and myself are running around the house, each with their own purpose. Frank, getting everything set for a full day of work, me making sure we are ready for the five day hospital stay, and Zack is gathering his x-box, mp3 and canvas backpack filled with clothes. As I am running around the house making sure the dish washer is emptied , trash put out (Zack claimed I was getting every little ounce of work out of him before he leaves... true!!!) and laundry folded and put away, I am thinking back to September 29, 1995, when Frank and I were rushing around making sure everything was in order as we were heading out the door to welcome Zack into the world. What can I say, I like things to be in order! Zack grabs me by the arms and says "Mom, CHILL!!"  You are running around like a crazy woman. I slow down "a bit", thinking our appointment isn't until 10:30, only to find out later it was at 9:30 am (oops!!). We finish loading the car and are on the road.

We arrive at the clinic ready to start the next chapter. Zack's mood is quite good. He is ready to get into the hospital and get going. We are escorted to a room and  in walks Julia (the same nurse that had a hard time inserting the iv into the port the last time). Zack looks at me nervously. I can tell he doesn't want her to do this, but I think about my friend Melanie and how she had to learn, if she didn't have anyone to teach her, and no one to "practice" on, how would she know what to do? I quickly remind Julia that she is to use a 1 inch needle, she is calmer today than last week, she say "yes, I have it right here", she then looks at Zack and taking her time, locates the port, without warning she inserts the needle, Zack flinches and looks at me with his eyes open wide. I ask if he is okay? He says "yea, I just wasn't ready for the needle. I need to be warned about the needle being inserted". We will remember this for next time. He already doesn't need to put on numbing cream ,which is pretty tough.  Julia then looks at Zack and tells him she remembers to put the saline solution in slowly as well (last week he got sick immediately when she did it too fast). Zack has become a strong advocate for himself, a lesson we taught him early on.

They take blood  to see what his white blood count is. He is hooked up to fluids to ensure he is well hydrated for his treatment. Dr. Beatty comes in to check on Zack and is charming as ever. He likes to joke with Zack about the hair coming in red with curls, or really blonde. He sees that Zack has shaved his head and says it is a good look for him.  The nurses tell him that they think "men" are sexy without hair, he of course tells them of my love affair with Vin Diesel. They all agree with my assessment of the actor. Julia comes in and tells us all of his "counts" are really good. They can't believe how much is white blood count jumped up, so we are good to go as soon as they have a room ready for us at the hospital. She tells us it will be a little longer ( it is now 12 Noon), as the hospital has a couple of people leaving today and then they will have a room for him. It's sad to think that the pediatrics oncology unit is so busy. I run downstairs and get some snacks. Luckily they have healthy ones like nuts, dried fruit and hummus with pretzels, unlike at the Hospital where you find Twinkies, pop tarts and chocolate donuts. Since this is our new routine I have made a conscious decision to eat healthier,  it could be so easy to hit the sweet isle, but I know that won't do any of us any good. Just as we get settled in and  Zack is half asleep, we get the news ( it is now 2 pm), our room is ready. We say our goodbyes, "till next week for our follow up" and hop in the car to drive across the street to Mission Hospital .

We follow the directions to our new location and when it comes to parking, we stop and ask a parking guard where we park for pediatrics, she leans into the car and starts to give us directions when all of a sudden she jumps back and says.. rather loudly... "PEDIATRICS??? HOW OLD ARE YOU!!! OH LORD!!",  Zack and I laugh, he answers "17 next month", she stumbles on her words and can not talk, we laugh a bit more as she points to a parking area and we drive off. As we enter the hospital with all of our belongings we are winding down one hall, around the corner, to the left, then up to the third floor to locate pediatrics. We see a sign for ICU and one for Heart patients, it is confusing which door we are supposed to go in. A young man stops us in the hall and offers directions. We walk through double automatic doors, you must press a button, then look into a camera before the nurses will let you in ( at least I know Zack will be safe... LOL). We are greeted by a nurse who tells us our room is at the end of the long hall. The hall is filled with colorful artwork and the ceiling tiles are art from the children. There are a row of "funny" mirror which make you look like all shapes and sizes, a WII game system is in the hall on rollers for the children to bring into their rooms to play. There is a parent "closet" consisting of a coffee / espresso machine, microwave and small refrigerator and sink. The room is a nice size, with a long counter full of empty cabinets and drawers at our disposal. There is a small closet, a good size bathroom with a shower and tub, your average hospital bed, love seat that converts into a bed and an upholstered rocking chair. The large window overlooks the roof, so not much of a view, but at this point a large room is more welcome than a view.

The first thing that gets unpacked and hooked up is Zack's new X-box. He is nervous and by playing his game finds it more relaxing.  The new nurse enters the room welcoming us. She is very sweet, has been here for two years, but has worked in other areas in this field for seven years. He immediately gets more fluids and within an hour is started on his treatment. Zack is busy playing the game while he is hooked up to everything,he  is weighed, blood pressure checked, temperature. We are told that he will not have such a bad reaction to this treatment and we pray they are right. The nurse asks about the anti nausea medicine Kytril that he was supposed to get at the pharmacy. He tells them "oh no.. I didn't get that! at $200 for seven pills!!! No way" She can't believe the cost and says they will see what they can do to get him something to take home. Of course I tell her "if that's what he needs, we will get it for him!" "He argues, NO!!!!" .. I drop it for now, we will be here five days and they will take care of all of the meds while in here.

It is now 5:15pm  and Rhonda calls. Zack and I already discussed me having dinner with her. He wants some time alone and they are bringing his dinner to him any minute. I decide to go to Walmart to get him some snacks and drinks for the next couple of days, he has found another game for his system so I am also on a mission for that. Rhonda agrees to meet me at Cheddars (like Ruby Tuesday or Kelsey's.) We catch up on the days events, I realize I can't relax.. "how can I be here when he is in the hospital?" Rhonda asks if I want to go back and bring the food with me, "I say, NO, Zack wants some time alone, he isn't used to everyone being around him so much, it's just hard not to be with him every minute right now",  I eat slower and relax more. We leave after about an hour and as we are headed to my car a man comes stumbling towards me, holding a "drink" in one hand and cigarette in the other. He asks if I have a light, I say "no, I don't smoke".. he answers back (sorry, his words not mine) "YOU LESBIAN C#&*!".. I look at him and tell Rhonda to get in the car as he walks towards me.. I am pissed!!! "You don't talk that way to ANYONE and haven't you ever seen two SISTERS together??? you better get the hell away from me!" He is running around the parking lot telling everyone that I'm a lesbian with an attitude and they better watch out. At this point I don't know whether to laugh , cry or punch the guy. I get out of my car, tell Rhonda to stay in the car with doors locked, walk right past him angrier than before and he starts to walk away from me saying "I'm sorry Mam, I didn't mean to be rude, I just needed a light". I think he thought I was going to kick his ass. In reality I walked right past him, went into the restaurant and told the hostess that she better call security. By the time I come out he is stumbling across the parking lot away from the restaurant. I get in my car, drive past him (the only way out) and he is hollering something else at me.

We go to Walmart (not one of my favorite locations) and find snacks, a little accent lamp for the fluorescent filled room, Zack's new game and a pair of Carolina Blue slippers for Frank and I to share when staying there. As soon as we return, Zack has handed over his camouflage clogs and taken the Carolina slippers. He is doing really well as the treatment continues to drip into his system. He of course is still playing his game and is visiting with Karen ( the social worker from the cancer center). She came over to make sure we had everything we need. The care that Zack (and we) are receiving is wonderful. There have been a couple of glitches along the way, but that is part of the human equation. I fixed up the room with the lamp, snacks in one drawer, drinks and cups on the counter in a neat little corner. I hang up his shirts with hangers just purchased and re- arrange the love seat  where the chair was and the chair in its new position. Rhonda looks at me and tells Karen that I am nesting.  Karen tells us we can do anything we want to the room.  Rhonda mentions the need for artwork and Karen tells us we can cover 20%  of the walls. Something about fire safety. We laugh !

Rhonda is exhausted, it has been a long week for her as well. I send her home, she keeps wanting to return with pillows and her down blanket, but I am firm and tell her we are fine, go..... rest....  When I return to the room after escorting her to door, Zack is finishing up his treatment. I give him a "game off" curfew of 10 pm and as soon as the game is off, he starts to feel bad. He is given some benedryl and falls asleep.

It was a good day. He is glad he is alone tomorrow to rest and play his game. He has been promised visits from friends and family throughout the week. Frank will be with him tomorrow night and I will be home trying to give up control. We know how easy that is for me.....  HUGS !!!

Awakening

Today is the day all of Zack's friends go back to school. Originally Zack wanted to go and hang out with his friends during lunch. He woke up bright and early ready for the day, brought me to work and returned home to get ready to head out to school. He went in early to pick up the laptop only to find out that they are handing them out tomorrow, so he had a little time to see some friends he hasn't seen all summer. When I asked him how they reacted to his shaved head, he said "Mom, they don't care", "I mean.. they care about what I'm going through, they just don't care about my hair, everyone does it now." He stands taller than ever now, at 6" 5" he has always been tall, but his presence is somehow taller, he has grown up so fast and it's amazing to witness. He couldn't wait to tell me about running one friend in particular. As he was saying goodby not realizing that Zack couldn't stay, the friend looked at him and said "Zack, we start school in 5 minutes, where are you going", Zack said " I don't have to stay, See ya later!" He is laughing and finally seeing that it's kind of cool that "they" have to stay and he can leave. Again he is finding the "good" in this situation and making the most of it.

Once he left school, Zack decided to head over to Shawn and  Floyd's house to start working on his car. His cousin Darrick was at home (his school doesn't start until next week), so they decided to hang out together. He is eager for tomorrow. We are all hoping that his counts are good and we can begin the hospital stay. None of us are eager about the treatment, but as Zack says "the quicker we can start the treatment, the faster it will be done." They had a great day together, just being your typical teenage boys, (whatever that entails these days).

Since Zack (again) kept my car, I had him pick me up at work around 6 pm. With the project this weekend, laundry is piled up and if we are going to be at the hospital we need clothes. We go by K-mart and buy funny pajama bottoms. One pair looks like they are torn up blue jeans, another has smiley faces all over them. We find a pair of camouflage (faux) crocs and the outfit is complete! He has decided that hospital gowns are fine as long as you have on PJ bottoms.

We arrive home and Frank and I discuss whom is staying with him and when. I want to protect him every step of the way and  Frank (still in his busy season) reminds me that he must work every day or the money is not going to be there. I know he is right, but it's frustrating. We call Zack in on the discussion and ask him what he wants / needs. ( He has been spot on up to this point, so we trust him to tell us the truth). He says " I know I can't keep Mom from staying as often as she wants to, but honestly, I really want to have some time alone to get to know the other kids, flirt with the nurses (if they're hot) and play my video game."  he continues "I would like to have Forrest come over some when he can, so we can hang out, talk about cars and not feel like my every move is being watched". It is settled then! We will ask Melanie (Chris' Mother) if she can hang out with him either Wednesday or Thursday during the day (she wants to see how the unit is run as she is still trying to figure out what field of nursing interests her) Frank will spend Wednesday night there and me Tuesday day/night and Thursday night. that way at least, he is not alone through the night (sometimes the nights are the hardest to be alone, especially for kids).

"They" say something like this can make or break a relationship. Our Journey has just begun, but if our communication is any indication as to what direction we are headed, we are going in the right direction. It's no secret to those closest to us (or maybe the world since I share EVERYTHING...as Zack likes to point out to me quite often) Frank and I have had a rough couple of years. Together now for 30 years we both know couples go through different growth spurts. Counseling, got us even more confused, anxiety created a whole mess of emotions that I never want to feel again, "haters" that tried to ruin what we have, I could go on. What we are both seeing with this is a new stronger union. When one of us gets scared, the other "pulls it together" and is the strong one. Zack even told us that it's nice that we are getting along and actually having fun as a family again. When I say this is a blessing, it is because of the way this has forced us to change.  I have found when you focus on yourself too much, you can make yourself miserable when there wasn't any reason to be so. Why do I mention my marriage? This blog is about the reality, OUR reality as a family, to not mention the ups and downs something like this can have on any relationship, be it husband, wife, child, friends or family would be to lie.

As I am writing this tonight, Zack is on the couch (his new bed until his room is finished this weekend), Frank has fallen asleep on the love seat. I hear laughter and Zack calls me in to the living room. As always Frank is giving orders in his sleep. Zack is asking him questions like, "where do you want the rocks?", Frank answers, "you have to put them in the center, not to the right" and "don't forget to cut the feed line a little more, you left it too long". Zack is laughing hysterically telling Frank "I'm not Quint Dad!!".. one of Franks employees. THIS is what life is about, the silly things that make us laugh. We are able to appreciate the little things even more so now, this is what has been missing from our life and I for one am so grateful for the opportunity to be awakened.

Empowerment .....

                                              First try......

Aug. 11, 2012 Saturday and Aug. 12, 2012 Sunday

While my sister Rhonda and I were in Zack's room painting, Zack came to me and asked if I would follow him. We walked into my bathroom and he showed me a clump of hair that came from his sideburns. He said "well it's happening!" He was getting ready to take a shower and noticed a patch missing from his sideburns, but nothing was coming from his scalp. I advised him to shower and shave his sideburns and face. "Don't worry about the hair yet" "We can take care of that when it starts to happen". He closed the door and I heard the razor. I decided to give him some space and continued with the painting. He came to the room and showed us his clean shaven face. He looked so sad and said "Mom, I want to do it!, I want to shave my head".  "I want to have some control, and want to be the one to decide WHEN my hair is going to be gone". The three of us marched into the bathroom and sitting down, Zack handed me the brand new electric trimmer Frank had purchased just the day before ( I'm sure in anticipation that it might be needed soon). I said "you want me to do it?" He said "Yup", "let's do this!" I asked if we could video it and take still shots for the blog (I always make sure he is alright with what is posted, it is after all, HIS journey). At this point he is used to me asking that question, so he rapidly said it was fine. I hand Rhonda my phone and she starts taking pictures and videos. I see that she too is sad for him and trying to hold it together, she did a great job as cheerleader.

I decided to start with leaving a little "length" and when I finished, he looked and said "you know what?, I'm ready to take it all off!" He takes the trimmer and put the shortest attachment on it. I tell him to use the attachment as I don't want him to cut it so short that he cuts himself.  He grabs the trimmer as if he has done this his whole life. He mutters "EMPOWERMENT!!, just like Forrest said.  I was so impressed with his strength, I half wanted to grab the trimmer and shave my own head (I wouldn't want to scare the world though).

Once he completed, he said "okay, I'm going to play my X-box now." a decision had been made, executed and the once dreaded experience was over.  Zack has always been that way, when he was done nursing, he grabbed a cup, when he was done with diapers he took them off and said "NO". He makes up his mind and sticks to it, deals with the situation at hand, no muss, no fuss.

BEFORE!

Rhonda and I are preparing his room for painting and new laminate (snap together) flooring. Zack and I had worked Friday night and Saturday morning to get his room empty with the exception of a night stand and TV.

Having been in the restoration business, Rhonda was a great asset to have this weekend. Back a couple of years ago, Zack had punched a couple of walls (don't tell me you have never done this or at least wanted to). Rhonda is the Queen of repairs when it comes to that. She can make it look like nothing ever happened (and she DID!!) While she was making the repairs, I decided to remove the carpet so the floor would be ready for Frank. As I remove the carpet, I find a small section of black mold (not the deadly kind), so I hit it several times with bleach. Within two days it was all gone. I am so glad we decided to do this. When this is all done, his room will be totally sterilized.

OK to paint!!

Zack and I load up his old desk, a huge armoire style desk which was perfect back in the day. Slowly through the years it was falling apart, so I told Zack to have a blast taking it apart however he saw fit. He kicked it, punched it and when we went to remove it from the room, it fell into pieces. I must say after watching several demolition shows on HGTV, it was fun to watch him let off some steam. I lucked out and found the perfect "Souder" desk for him at Habitat (I Love thrift stores!) and put a couple of coats of polyurethane on it to protect it from drinks and spills.

Between the old desk and the carpet we had a full load for the dump. There is something empowering about filling a truck with "junk" and hauling it off never to be seen again. Zack is still well enough to be a huge help and is actually enjoying participating in the renovation, but I see that he is tired and have him lay on the couch and rest.

The house is a little quiet this weekend with Frank on his fishing trip and most of Zacks friends out of town. As they start to return home on Sunday, we start to see a bit more activity. First Trenton comes over and plays on the x-box for a couple of hours, then Drake comes to drag Zack over to see a car he is interested in. One by one they enter the house and Zack removes his hat to show his new buzz cut. They all think it looks cool and move right along with the conversation about the current game on TV.  He has such supportive friends that when they see the holes patched, they laugh and tell me how Zack made them promise not to tell me when he punched the walls. They are relieved that I now know and Zack didn't get in trouble.

The boys discuss tomorrow, which is the first day of school. Zack has decided to go and pick up his books and computer. He will then return to have lunch outside with his friends, He decided he really doesn't want to spend the entire day there, he doesn't have a class to go to and also doesn't want to be around that many people. We am relieved. Why takes chances on him catching something. I find that I ask him repeatedly  "are you drinking your water, drink the berry juice, did you eat lunch?." At one point I am teasing him "you need to get your numbers up, so you can have chemo".. we laugh,... what else can we do? These are the facts. He HAS to have chemo and in order to have the treatment his "numbers" need to be at a certain level or risk lower immune system.

As the day progresses Rhonda decides to head out and take Mom for her medicine and grocery shopping. It is 3PM and she still wants to return to "fine tune" the painting. I try and convince her I can finish the trim work on my own, but she is the master of this and says "I'm so glad you are not arguing with me", that was my cue to say "yes, I look forward to seeing you when you return". We both laugh. She heads out and I continue with the painting when I get a call from Mom. She is crying. She is in pain from her fall a couple of weeks ago. I can tell it is more than that. She misses me and I miss her. We are connected and have been apart far too long. It pains me to hear her this way, I want to run and take care of her, but know I can't right now. I know she understands and would be upset if I pushed myself too hard. She agrees to have Rhonda take her to Urgent Care for X-rays to make sure nothing is broken or cracked. A couple of hours later, the report is good, Nothing is broken, she is severely bruised so they prescribe pain medicine. After a quick dinner and trip to the all night pharmacy, Rhonda brings Mom back home and returns to our house to "inspect" my work. It is now 10 PM and Zack has just decided to shave his head even closer. Now he is laughing and saying he could get a job as an army barber. Rhonda walks in, sees his hair cut and screams with excitement. She compliments him on how handsome he looks (he really does) and gives him a big hug. Rhonda heads into Zack's room and  "of course" sees a couple of places , with my assurance that I will take care of it she gives the room a thumbs up. As Zack helps load up her belongings and some "treasures" we no longer wanted, we Thank her for all her hard work and send her on her way home.

It was an emotional weekend. Watching my son accept his fate of loosing his hair, painting over stenciling created by Zack, taking down posters that hung for years, the room is now going to be for a young man, who is now forced to grow up faster. But a young man deserving of this renovation and so much more.

Note to my Sister: I would not have even attempted to start this project without your help. Words can't express how appreciative I am for everything you did this weekend. Now, Thanks to you, Zack's new sanctuary is beautiful!!! Mom is going to be OK!! and I can go to sleep knowing that this next week, no matter what, is going to be OK.  I Love you!!!

.

 My silly gift to Rhonda, for all her hard work. She fell in love with this little creature and couldn't stop laughing. It sings, gives kisses and moves around, Hey we all need something to laugh at!

Oh.. you want the "after" pictures... well we aren't done yet, there is still the floor and then the furniture... "Patience my young grasshopper"....

ANC results are in...

Last night was a bit of a rough night for our boy. I know that being tired had a lot to do with it, but he was getting ready to go and stay at his friend Chris' house when I could tell he was upset. He said he was tired of the hospital and clinic,  he hates needles and how the treatment makes him feel. He wants to be at school the entire year, not just a couple of days here and there. He said, resigned, " Mom, I know I HAVE to do this, It doesn't mean I have to like it!" He said "I just have to release all of the anger, or I will explode". We sat in his room while he shared his feelings and I just listened. I wasn't sure about him going to Chris' after sharing his feelings, but he said he wanted to do something "normal" and he would always go there to hang out with his other family. How could I say no? Frank came in and I told him how Zack was feelings. He said "of course, he feels that way, this sucks!" He then turned a shoulder to Zack as if to say "go ahead, hit me, it will make you feel better" Zack stood up, laughed and Frank looked up at him as if staring at a Giant. (6'5" vs 5' 9") We all just stood there laughing. Chris has a little brother and two sisters ( one older and one younger). His parents Melanie and Brian have been in our lives since the boys were in 1st grade.  Mel is Zack's "other" mother, a honor I gladly share. Mel just recently graduated with her nursing degree and is ready to take the State Board test, so she understands a lot of the medical talk. We have shared our ups and downs through the years. Like everyone else close to us, Mel and her family are now on this roller coaster ride with us. I called her while Zack was on his way to their house and explained how he is feeling. She assured me she would look out for him and let him know that she too is there should he need to talk more. Melanie called me this morning and told me that everything went well, though he had a hard time falling asleep. (must run in the family lately.. I woke up at 4 am)

Zack insisted on going to the Center without us this time. He was to have his lab work, so we felt it was okay for him to do go without us.  He thought it out and asked Chris to go along with him (Chris was actually the driver today) just in case he felt dizzy after the tests. It turned out that he did just fine, though having more needles in his arms is not his idea of a good time. When they completed the lab work, they managed to go to his favorite steak restaurant (a visit he missed the last couple of times due to not feeling well). I'm sure the pretty servers there are a big part of the "attraction" as well.

His  "ANC"  was 500 today,  his last count was 1,500....{ Absolute neutrophil count: (ANC)  Which is the white blood cells count that are neutrophils.  "WBC" or White blood cells: One of the cells the body makes to help fight infections. There are several types of white blood cells (leukocytes). The two most common types are the lymphocytes and neutrophils (also called polymorphonuclear leukocytes, PMNs, or "polys").} In layman's terms, this means Zack is  not to go into large crowds and we must all wash our hands a lot more than we already do! If someone is sick (in the house) we must wear masks to ensure he doesn't catch anything,. He was given permission to go to school on Monday (they expect the level to rise by then) but can't be in a small enclosed area. He will go and hang out with his friends outside during lunch and pick up the Chrome-book, which will be his to borrow for the school year. The doctor said no close contact with anyone that is sick, just as an added precaution. They are going to re test him on Tuesday morning, and  IF the count is not higher, they will postpone the next treatment at the Hospital until it is higher. If he does the chemo with it low, that could wipe out his immune system completely. (THAT would be bad.. sorry understatement of the year!!)

While Zack was at the clinic, I started on my new project. Clearing everything from his room and preparing it for painting tomorrow (Rhonda is coming to help, Yahoo!)  and new floor installation which Frank will do next week. We decided to "sterilize" the room since he may be spending more time in there. He currently has old green carpet and we are installing oak laminate flooring. It will also be a lot easier to keep clean, not to mention give him a new calmer color. Zack's room is currently dark and light blue, he picked out a dark green (evergreen). I believe that color is very important in the healing process.

Having said that, When the room is done, I will post "before" and "after" pictures just for fun. Since I need my beauty sleep and Zack is now claiming the couch (his bed is upright in the hall), I will say goodnight. Thank you for all your emails, texts, calls and FB messages. We KNOW we are loved! Hugs and Blessing to all!

.

The horn on the car goes beep, beep, beep

Wednesday: 08/08/2012

Having worked today, I haven't seen and barely heard from Zack or Frank. Frank worked this morning and he, Zack and our family friend, Jeff went to Spruce Pine to pick up the car. That is all the Zack has been able to talk about since he first set eyes on it. (In case I failed to mention, it is a 1971 Ford, Galaxy.) I touched base around 4 pm and Zack was all excited about the car and feeling well. This weeks treatment was not too bad.

Our brother in law Floyd, (the best transmission specialist in the area) offered to store the car at his garage while Zack, with his help, works to get the car put back together again. They should be home around 8 pm. as it is a two hour drive one way. I'm sure Zack will spend all of tomorrow working on his new "love".

It is 9 pm and they have returned home, excited, exhausted and hungry for "real " food. Of course, being the perfect wife/ mother. I smile, hug them, welcome them home and remind them where the kitchen is. ( Hey I worked all day you know!!) LOL  Zack sits down and shows me all the pictures.It turns out that the man went out and bought a new battery, installed the lights, and put on the front and rear bumpers to get the car ready for Zack. We had already agreed to purchase it as is, but the guy was so happy that Zack is keeping the car close to it's original condition, he wanted to help out.

Thursday: 08/09/2012

It is another great day! Zack is up and ready to bring me to work at 6:15 am. He can't wait to get over to Shawn and Floyd's house to work on his car. He has enlisted the help of several of his friends today. He, of course, has borrowed "momma's" car ( I really miss my car!). He runs around to the auto parts store, Lowes for paint, pretty much anywhere he needed to get supplies for the car. I see him so excited, and I want it to last.

I made an executive decision "WE" are the ones that are in control (well at least I would like to think we are), I call the Cancer Center and tell them that we want to start the hospital stay on Tuesday instead of Monday. I don't want to miss work and it will be the first day of school. Zack had mentioned last night that he really wished he could have gone to be with his friends, if only for the first day. His "counts" are good and he should be physically able to do so. The Doctor gives his blessings and tell me to tell Zack to have a great day at school. I'm so excited I can barely wait for Zack to return my phone call. (of course he is out of range). I can't stand waiting anymore, so I call Floyd, who runs outside to get Zack to have him call me. Zack, thinking he might be in trouble calls the office and is a bit quiet, "hello... Mom?";  "Zack GUESS what I did?", Ummm "you got insurance on my car?" "Oh yea.. I forgot I did that too!", "yes, yes" "cool he says", "but that's not why I called!" "Umm ok," Zack is still confused.... "GUESS who is going to the first day of school, for the full day?" " WHAT?" How did you do THAT?"  I proceeded to tell him that we must have some control, if not over the chemo and radiation, at least over some of the scheduling. "He is ecstatic, between that and getting the car title on Friday, he will be able to drive his "new" car to school and show it to his friends.

They say that 2/3rds of healing is good mental health and the other 1/3 is the medication. Well, I think this week, he is building many good memories for when he goes into the hospital. His friends continue to be amazing, as are ours.

I received an email from a acquaintance today asking how she could explain this to her teenage child, whom has lost faith because of seeing her friends go through hard times and now Zack. I told her that my personal belief is more along the Buddhist way of thinking , we are all here to be either teachers or students (or both). To ask "why me" is to deny our very existence. "why NOT me?", Zack is the one going through the pain and discomfort, but not once has he said "why me?" ( he also doesn't philosophize like his mother tends to do), but he says "OK, let get this shit over with, I have a life to live".When Zack's friends ask me about him and how he is doing, I remind them that he is healthy, young and the cancer is gone. He doesn't want pity, he wants to be treated like everyone else.We understand that friends may leave us and new ones appear. That is a very normal part of going through something like this. Whatever we can learn from this experience is another gift and Frank and I are so blessed to have this amazing person as our teacher.

Wash the yellow buses!

Today we attended a  meeting with the Principal of Brevard Senior High School and about 100 other parents. The purpose was to introduce the Chromebook to us. All of the students will be getting one this year and we had to attend this meeting to understand the importance of what "we" were being given. Okay, I'll go with that! Even though Zack will not be physically attending class, he will still get to use this.

They will have access to everyone's email address, be able to interact with other students in the same classes, have "most" of their books on the "cloud" system instead of having to carry around all of the books (this is a work in progress).

I got Zack signed up for one and we should be able to pick it up next week when school starts (hopefully sooner, since he goes into the Hospital on Monday for the week). By then we should also have his schedule down and know when , where and what he will be doing.

Drake (one of Zack's very dear friends and one of my  "other sons".. I have many !) Zack and I left the school and headed straight to Asheville Cancer Center for his treatment. Today he had the Vincristine . This is the one that will cause him to loose his hair. We had a new nurse (will give her a second chance at first impression). She had problems getting the IV into the port, asked me to go down the hall and get one of the other nurses to help, I run down the hall ( as Zack hollers, "Mom its not an emergency") so, true Sabrina form, I continue down the hall, see the nurses and say "Code, non emergency, I'm not panicking, but if you could come right now a nurse needs help" then .... as I'm laughing and they are running to me "Code... Melanie..  oh Melanie... we need you... come here and help us please!" I hear Zack laughing down the hall, MOM it's OK, they can come slowly.. The nurses roll their eyes, they said "we will take care of him", I don't know what is going on, if this is a new nurse or what, but... she was trying her best and today it was rough. They managed to get the IV in, and then Julie (new nurse) takes the saline solution and whoosh.. puts it in too fast, Drake and I looked at each other as we saw the color leave Zack immediately. Drake asked Zack if he was alright, I said freaky!! and Zack stood up to go to the restroom. While we were walking down the hall he blacked out for a moment and almost started to fall! I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to hold this kid up, let alone pick him up off the floor. But he was fine within a minute of hugging the counter and pushed me away, saying he was fine. Yes, I know, we are all "fine".... I get it! Mr. Macho Man!

We are moved to another room, closer to the nurses station (closer to Angie and Melanie). Julie walks in and checks Zack's pressure. Then Dr. Beatty comes in. This is the first time we are meeting him. He is an older man, with kind eyes. He worked at St. Judes for many years, so he is very familiar with children s cancer. He checks Zack's ears, chest and then proceeds to test his reflexes. First the left knee, then the right, perfect, then he tells him to make a loose first and taps him in the elbow.. immediately the middle finger comes up, we all start to laugh (including Zack), the Doctor says, "well that won't be the last time you give me the finger". I like this guy already! . He asks Zack is there is anything he can do for him today, "besides take all of his hair", we again laugh! Zack tells him that he doesn't like his current anti nausea medicine and would like it changed. Done! said the Doctor, he tells Zack he doesn't know too many people who can handle that particular medicine. So we are changed from Zofran to Kytril which should have less side effects.  I'm so proud of how he has taken the initiative in his own care. He is learning a lot (maybe too much?) and KNOWS what he does and doesn't want. After about an hour or so we left there. I told the "boys" If I was going to do this, I wanted to see a thrift store on the way out of town, so we went to Habitat and checked everything out. Zack found four "Alabama" records, don't ask, I won't tell, LOL and we headed out for lunch. We tried to get steaks, Zack's favorite, but they were closed, so we went to Five Guys hamburger place. Had a very noisy lunch (men working on the road right outside the restaurant) and decided to go to Hendersonville to visit Meme (Mom).

By the time we got to Meme's house, Zack was starting to feel bad again. I think the combo of the saline, Vincristine and then eating so soon after didn't agree with him. We stayed at Mom's, maybe a hour, if that long and Zack told me he needed to go home. It was so hard to leave after being there so little, but right now I have to follow what he needs, not what I want!! We gave hugs to Bob and Mom and were on the road home.

While on the way home I called headquarters of our local grocery store. Yesterday Zack had "tried" to return a phone charger that wasn't working. He had the receipt and the charger. The Assistant manager said that she couldn't give him the money unless she had his "moms" debit card and store discount card as proof of purchase. He said " you have the receipt, my mom is the one that sent me here", she said "well, there's nothing else I can do for you then is there!". He left and called me. I called her and asked what was going on, she said "without your debit and discount card I couldn't give him a refund , it's store policy!" I said "are you kidding me!" We have the receipt? "she said , well then just send your son back and I'll give him the money if I have to!" Now you see why I called headquarters. I talked to the district manager, who offers his apologies, I tell him that I have since returned the item myself to another store and nothing was mentioned about needing anything else. She looked at my receipt and gave me cash back. He said "what can I do to make this better", he said he wanted her to call and apologize to me, I said NO, she owes my SON an apology, she treated him like a thief and I'm tired of teenagers being treated like crap! So.. he offers to send me a $50.00 gift card and had her call and apologize to Zack. Her apology was more of a "mean, you got me in trouble call", and I let him know of that when he checked back in, but told him it was over and we have better things to do than to talk to nasty people. He apologized to Zack and said he was glad we had called him. He then gave us his cell phone number if anything every happens again. Pretty cool!

I was a fighter before. I have always fought for what I believed in for me or anyone out there not getting justice, but somehow the fight is stronger now than ever. The Mama Bear is awake and won't be in hibernation any time soon.

Zack is now feeling better (several hours later) and is resting in his room listening to his new records on his record player he inherited from Grandpa. In the mail is a cute little package from our dear friends ( and Zack's "other" mother and  father) Melanie and Brian Long. In the package was a beautiful blue butterfly as part of a donation to the Children's Cancer Research Fund, a gift certificate for one hour massage (mine mine mine mine mine...) and an amazon gift card for Zack to buy music for his MP3.

We just got another call about Franks Dad. He was admitted into Mission Hospital (where Zack will be next week). We're not sure what is going on, but we see the end of his journey coming soon. Having said that, he does have more lives than a cat, and we will keep him around as long as he wants to be here!

Now I'm off to rest, I want to be 100 % at work tomorrow and Thursday. Friday will be lab work. Zack will go pick up the car tomorrow (which of course Meme knows about because of my big mouth Blog!!) so he is excited and we will have the weekend to rest up for next week.

More great days ahead

Today Zack went to the High School to hand in his papers for a "Home Bound" course which will be English Honors and an Online course which will be Sports and Entertainment Marketing. He met with the Vice Principal who said that they are getting everything together for his home and hospital visits. Never having done this before, I don't know what it all entails. It seems that a teacher or teachers will meet with him to do his lessons either at the hospital or at home. Pretty cool. The VP also told Zack that he will have to do his Senior report but not the entire Project, which involves a lot of hands on work. I will find out all the details tomorrow when I go to pick up his Google Laptop (all the students are getting one, to borrow). He left there and called me all excited! It is so good to hear him excited about something, anything! He continues to have a good health day and is running around with his friends,

He had his first counseling session with "my" psychotherapist / acupuncturist, Jim. He has helped me through a lot and even though Zack is not well known for "sharing" his feelings, I feel that it can't hurt even if he gets help with a little of what's going on. I love the idea that he can talk to someone totally neutral. I told him that unless it involves him hurting himself, what he tells Jim is in confidence.

I called the Cancer Center to find out our schedule for this week. We all three had different schedules in our "head". It turns out the Zack has a treatment (the one that will NOT make him sick) tomorrow. It will be half a day, if everything goes well  (and there is no reason it should not), and then time off until Friday for labs. I will find out tomorrow, but I'm sure that is to check his platelets and white blood count. We hope that it will be half a day and if it is, depending on how he feels, we will go and hang out with Meme and Bob for awhile. Oops that's supposed to be a surprise!! SURPRISE!!!! LOL

I had a great day at work, though it is still hard for me to focus no matter how great I think I am feeling. I hate this part of the "stress". I was this way when Daddy was towards the end of his journey. I know Mom was for many years,. Stress can do weird things to our minds. We forget words, names, the simplest things. It took me quite a while to figure out what people were saying to me. Like I was in slow motion and yet tried to be fast and efficient. Didn't happen!! I stayed late to make sure that I got everything caught up and it feels great as I  was able to focus on what I was doing. Multi tasking is not my strong suit right now, and I am usually VERY good at it.  I know it will come back soon, once the routine is in.

Zack was so busy running around and having a good time that he called tonight and asked if he could stay at his friends house longer and continue to swim. HE was my ride!! LOL, so I called Frank and asked him to pick me up from work. It is kind of funny, here I am with no car again, well until...... he gets his "new" ride..... to be continued....

Two Great Days.....

After the week we had, I wasn't sure where our future was heading with regards to the side effects of the chemotherapy. Zack had such a reaction , he couldn't eat, barely slept and was very uncomfortable. He woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit better so he and Frank made arrangements to go to Spruce Pine ( 2 hrs away)  to look at a car. Zack had  found a classic 1971 Galaxy which a man was restoring, but since he has twins on the way, he needed to sell his project. He has all the new and renovated parts including the upholstery for the front seat, lights, bumpers front and back. The man primed it so it is ready to paint. It runs really well and though it is a "tank" it is perfect for him to drive around town and for $700.00 it's a great deal.

Before leaving Zack took one of his anti-nausea pills. He was a bit leery about the trip, but decided that he could feel sick in the car or at home so he might as well have a little fun. It was on that trip that he felt maybe the medicine was making him more nauseous. He decided not to take any more and by late in the evening was feeling 100% better. He was able to eat dinner (which was unusual of late)n and instead of laying in his bed, joined Frank and I for a (horrible) movie about dragons. It was so good to see him laugh and cut up with us again. We were making fun of the terrible acting and theme of the movie.

It is Sunday morning. Frank decided to get some fishing in, and I was running around the house getting it in order for company which was arriving around 11 am for lunch. Zack wakes up and is looking great! He had another great nights sleep and announces that he is not nauseous!  I fix us some muffins for breakfast and his face lights up! I haven't seen him enjoy food for a week now. He tells me that he really does think it's the anti nausea medicine that made him feel worse. I love that he is figuring what his body needs.

I remind him of our "company" and ask him to do the dishes, take out the trash and start his laundry. He says "this is what I get for feeling better?" I said "Yup!!" aren't you glad you do? We both laugh. He admits that it is kind of cool! Every day that we can be "normal" is a gift. As we are preparing everything, we get a call from Linda (my mother in law), she is trying to locate the "kids", as Franks Dad is again being rushed by Ambulance to the Hospital.  Big John, as everyone calls him, has been in and out of the hospital many many times in the past years. He has diabetes, heart problems, breathing problems. This is not an uncommon call,  but every call is just as important as it could be the last. I can't reach Frank, so Linda asks me to call either Mitch or Shawn ( Franks brother and sister ). I reach them and let them know I'll tell Frank as soon as I can reach him. (By the time Frank returned home, he had already talked with Linda and John was already back home)

We are expecting my sister Rhonda and her sons, Peter, Jimmy and Nick, Nicks sweetie pie (and ours) Havley, her mother Leslie and brother Forrest. This is a planned luncheon so that Forrest and Zack could meet. (my apologies if this is duplication) Forrest had bone cancer in his knee three years ago, when he was 17 yrs old. He went through a very similar protocol as Zack with the same Doctors and Nurses. It is so interesting to compare notes (already), talk about the same characters in our already familiar journey. In walks Rhonda and her entourage with tons of delicious food. They bring ham, turkey, three different cheeses, fruit, fresh dried tomato and multi-grain breads. Bean dips with chips. The platters which have been hiding under my counter are finally brought out for a much needed "party". Everything you could possibly want is on our counter. A couple of hours later Leslie, Forrest and Havley arrive and we pull every chair in our house around the table. Zack (shy about meeting new people) finally comes out of his room and joins us.

We start talking about the treatment, Leslie and I discuss the amazing case workers. How much they helped them and us, what options are out there,what to take to the hospital, how smells effect you while under treatment, etc. Leslie advised that we bring our own pillows and blankets to the hospital. She said that even the smell of the linens have a "hospital" smell. They shared possible long term effects that certain smells and tastes could have. I shared the story about the surgery to remove the tumor without MRI, X-rays, anything. Sadly Forrest had a very similar situation. He was told by his Doctor to go to physical therapy it was "bursitis", it turns out he wasn't feeling better and when they went to another Doctor, and tests were run they discovered the tumor on his knee. Luckily it didn't rupture, which could have happened and caused the cancer to spread. Leslie asked if I was taking any action against the surgeon. I explained that since the outcome was good, we were not taking legal action, however, the oncologist at the Cancer Center and Myself are writing letters to the surgeon, the surgical board and both hospitals to let them know how neglectful he was and NOT to "assume" that a "cyst, tumor, whatever you want to call it, is benign. I explained that I needed to keep everything on the positive side, but needed to make sure that the possibility of this happening again is much less.

An additional connection is both Zack and Forrest want to be mechanics (Forrest is in school studying that now). They discuss his new car, the truck in our driveway. It's nice to hear him have a conversation about something other than his treatment. Something I hope we will all be doing soon, though I'm not sure how that can be. During this time we have a knock on the back door, Darrick (my nephew) walks in. He too came to see his cousin. If not previously mentioned Darrick is a year younger than Zack and the two have an unshakable bond. It's so weird to see him without his parents, I'm not used to our boys being "grown up" and driving around on their own.

L-R: Jim, Zack, Peter, Me, Nick nephews and son

It is time for Nick to head back to Blacksburg, VA (VA Tech) where he is doing his residency for his DO (Doctor of Osteopath) and Jimmy (a computer genius) heads back to Chapel Hill. They came to see Zack this weekend and make it their mission to increase our support system. The doors continue to open for us to make our journey "easier". We are eternally grateful!

Once everyone leaves Zack asks to go and return some movies to the store, the first time he has driven in a week. He then goes and hangs out with his friend Drake for a couple of hours. "They" know the rules, no one sick, wash your hands. His friends guard him well. He returns home with a smile, knowing that he has had a good weekend and has one more day before his next treatment.

We're okay, really we are!! NOT!!

Another rough night for Zack. The doctor gave us a different medicine which knocks him out. So.. being the mother I am.. I worried that something would happen. I slept on the love seat next to him ( he wanted to sleep on the couch so he was closer to us) so I can check his breathing. Finally around 1:30 am I decide he is okay and go to bed. Within 30 minutes he is up again loosing what little he ate the day before. Frank jumps up to help care for him and I immediately send him back to bed. There is no reason for him to be up, I'm off the next day and he has to work. After about an hour, Zack falls back asleep and I again make myself comfortable on the love seat.

He wakes up about 8 am and is feeling better. I get up, make him three scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, he is able to keep those down. He and I drove to the High School to set up his homebound and online classes for the semester. They are closed! We return home only to discover that I left both folders on the brick wall outside the school, so we drive back to the school and there they were waiting for me, right where I left them. "Told you I was alright".

Zack fixes himself a ham sandwich for lunch . I decide to go to the grocery store to stock up for the next two weeks. Since eating dinner hasn't been my priority of late, to late, to tired to cook as is Frank, I get crock pot meals, beef for stew, pork for pot roast, hamburgers already packed and ready to cook. We all need to continue to eat healthy, but if it doesn't get made, we bring home takeout and that's not the healthiest and certainly not affordable. I'm roaming the aisles and I can't read simple English. The labels are clear, my glasses are on but I don't know what they say. Okay, I'm loosing it. It's like I don't understand the language. My mother has that every now and then, but she speaks 6 languages. I barely speak two. I realize I'm again a zombie, doing what needs to be done, but not really "there". After an hour of roaming around the aisles I return home and Zack is outside with his friend Austen. It's so good to see him out and having some "fun".

Austen is putting fog lights on his truck which Zack watches. He sticks around for about an hour or so and has to leave, so Zack comes back in the house feeling weak and tired. I tell him to eat a couple of saltines and fix him a ginger ale. He has to drink so much water, ginger ale etc..to keep hydrated that he is tired of looking at his glass. I remind him that the more he drinks the more he washes the toxins out of his body. He reminds me that I've already told him that 1000 times. I laugh and tell him "I'm a mother, we like to repeat ourselves!" and I'm a control freak so double that!

If this past week has taught us anything, it's that none of us are okay. We run around and smile, but inside we are crying. We tell people everything is fine and it really isn't. The fact that the cancer is gone is HUGE!! I choose my words so very carefully as to not jinx anything or appear ungrateful! We ARE blessed. I KNOW that for sure! We are not fighting to get rid of anything, we are pro active in ensuring that nothing comes back, ever again. The journey so far is a tough one and we need to keep out wits about us. But when you are tired and emotional it's hard to do that.

We have all been shaken to the very core of our being. The bond that we have with our family and friends is unshakable, and yet we have already lost a few people from our lives for whatever reason. ( not able to handle it, don't want to have to think about it? too busy? who knows)  Having said that, we have gained many more friends and find ourselves even closer to "old" friends.

My mother, whom is my best friend, has been hit the hardest. I know that sounds weird, but at 80 years young, a survivor of WWII in Belgium, a lousy 17 year marriage, an abusive mother ( sorry Meme, you know the truth), 13 years caring for an adored husband with Alzheimer's only to loose him, a broken ankle, kidney cancer, broken back..... SHE didn't need another thing added to her life. I know, it's not about her, or me or Frank, but it affects us all. It affects her because this is her little baby that she loved and cared for when we owned the antique shop and he would go upstairs to stay with his Meme and Grandpa while they were making the Father Christmas figures. It affects her because they stayed together in the hotel room for 9 hours playing while I was doing the shows. If affects her because they have such a special bond that no one and nothing can break. Mom knows in her heart that he is going to be okay, that he IS okay. But to her, knowing what her grandson is going through without being able to "fix it" has been torture.

My nephew Nick called and is heading down to WNC to see his family and to visit with Zack. He asks if Zack is up to going to the shooting range or doing something, but I tell him he is not. He wants Zack to meet Forrest, his girlfriends brother ( I think I mentioned him before) who survived cancer and went through chemotherapy and radiation as well. We make arrangements for them to come on Sunday to the house. Zack confirmed that he would  LOVE to go to the shooting range, but is not up to it at this time. Forrest would also like to make himself available at the hospital or clinic when Zack has his treatments, just so he has someone with him that KNOWS what he is going through. Another blessing!  Rhonda is bringing mom grocery shopping on Saturday and then to Brevard to put more jewelry out in her booth, so I made arrangements to meet for lunch. I miss taking Mom shopping on Tuesdays, (a treat I have enjoyed for many years, "our" time ). I am envious because I want to do it, but my energy right now is not there.

Well, it is time to eat dinner I fixed an hour ago, I'm not hungry but know I have to eat. I blog when my mind works and now it is shutting down. I know this blog is especially "jumbled" today, but I write what I feel, and you are on the roller coaster with me right now. Hang on dears "it's going to be a bumpy ride" .  Hugs!!!

And now we rest.....

It is day three of our first weeks treatment. Zack had a much better night. He woke up at 5 am to take more of his anti nausea medicine and went back to bed for another hour or so. Our appointment today is at 8:30 am. I roll out of bed, (Frank is already getting dressed for his full day of work) I do the dishes from last night, make the bed, get ready and head out the door to open the office.

Once the office is ready for business I head out, pick up Zack and we are on the road to Asheville for our last visit of the week. He is starting to feel nauseous again. The ride there doesn't help much. I try and take the turns slowly, hit the railroad tracks slower than my usual Mario Andretti speed, brake lightly at the 25 red lights that stop us. On the way there I get a call from Jessica, my side kick at work. She is able to cover the office this morning, she doesn't want me to even think of the office, she can handle it all. Suddenly I am relieved. I know the Docs can handle everything, I just don't like it when they "have to". Jessica is an angel, She "tolerates" my Taurus attitude as her husband too is a Taurus. We laugh at the similarities, the OCD, the times when she "gets too close to my space", all the little things that make us "unique" and sometimes, not so easy to get along with. Jess is the ONLY one besides the Docs that I work well with. She is detail oriented, gets the job done and so sweet, everyone loves her.

We arrive to the staff's smiling faces. One of the nurses is Angie, she is a petite blonde with tight long curly hair. She wears several bright colored necklaces. She is the greeter, always smiling, she loves Zack and is sad to see him react so badly to the chemo treatment. She puts us in a bright room with a large window (different from our first room). This room has a soft bench, bed and massage recliner. Zack lays in the bed and she immediately starts him on iv fluids and anti nausea medicine. This is the third kind they are trying. She explains that this will make him sleepy and almost on cue, he falls into a deep sleep. She sits on the couch with me and tells me how wonderful it was to watch his and Franks relationship. She said "in the beginning your husband was very tough, strong".. ( I say he is the alpha male!), she laughs and agrees. She tells me that as Zack started to feel worse, Frank got up and was wiping his head with the damp washcloth, holding the bucket for him and rubbing his back. She said that he didn't even want to leave to get lunch. Being a teenager and father, they have had their share of arguments of late ( they BOTH can't be right you know!). It touched my heart to hear this. I'm sure this experience will bring them closer than ever before.

Angie shares her "story" of her father. He is fighting his own cancer battle right now, but the prognosis is not good. I ask how she can work with small children with this "disease", she says sometimes it gets to her, but she loves being with them and the what you get in return is amazing. She tells me that it is hard for her being the nurse in the family, "sometimes I just want to be the daughter", but she admits, with her knowledge she has been able to help her family through the tough times. I tell her my belief that we are all here for a reason, and we all "sign up" to either be the teacher or student, (or sometimes both) many times at our own expense. Zack is my teacher and the teacher of many.  The lives that he has already touched is amazing!

Angie leaves the room after a great big hug and I plug in my Kindle Fire and continue watching "Grey's Anatomy". At least "McSteamy" (Eric Dane) and "McDreamy" (Patrick Dempsey)  can keep my mind off of our current reality. (Hey I'm married, not dead!)

An hour or so later, Karen (our case worker) comes into the room to offer more suggestions on where to file for additional financial assistance. So far between the tests and two surgeries, the statements that have come are over $20,000.00 . I am not worried, I know that everything we need will be provided for one way or another, but then again I was raised that way and it has always been so. While Karen and I are talking (very softly.. which for me is a miracle in and of itself) Angie comes in and says "don't you guys bother him, he needs rest!!" I LOVE that she is protective of Zack, I know that if I am not there she will take very good care of him. I tell Karen, I need to rest a bit before we head back home and work, so she leaves.

Zack starts to wake up, his color comes back in his face. He sits up and asks for his ginger ale. He is thirsty and hungry. Good signs! I get him some crackers and peanut butter from the snack area down the hall. The counters are filled with crackers, both saltine and graham, peanut butter in individual packets,  fresh coffee and two small refrigerators with ginger ale, apple, orange juice and water bottles. They try to make it as easy on the children and parents alike.

Angie comes in and tells him he is ready for his shot. This is the one that helps the white blood cells. She asks "where do you want it?", his response " anywhere but the butt!!!", she laughs and sticks the needle in his arm. He doesn't even flinch.  We discuss whether or not we may need to return tomorrow. She explains that if he can't keep food or water down the rest of the day and tonight, he will have to return tomorrow for more fluids, IF he continues as he has been he would have to be admitted into the hospital. He looks are her and says "I will be fine!" You won't see us tomorrow. They agree to remove the IV line from his chest, this way he can shower, swim ( if up to it) and go back to "normal" life.

We say our goodbyes and set up our next appointment for Tuesday at 10:30 am, with a promise that the next treatment will not make him sick and will be a shorter day. On the drive home we drive through and get some lunch, he is able to keep it down and sleeps a bit more in the car. I drop him off at home, he lays on the couch and promises to call me if he needs anything. I feel comfortable leaving him for the afternoon. I work 10 minutes away and Franks next work project is also 10 minutes from the house.

I return to work and right when I was getting settled in the phone rings, it's Zack! "Are you okay honey?", "Yes Mom... uh.... did you forget to pay Directv?, we don't have TV". SHIT... "Yup, I probably did Buddy, give me five minutes and it will be back on" "Okay, sorry, bye"... At this point I have to laugh... I go online, pay the bill and resume with my work, Zack texts me and says "Thank you!!". I know he is feeling better.. he is watching his shows! It's a good sign!

As I'm working, patients come in and ask how he is doing. It is so great to be able to report all the good news. They are so supportive, offering me their phone numbers should we ever need anything, including us in their church prayer list. In walks a lady holding a loaf of bread. I look at her, smile, greet her thinking "okay is this lady selling bread?",  she looks at me with a smile and says "I'm  K. R.", ( I know that name, but from where?) she looks at me again and says "I was Zack's math teacher from last year", I laugh and say "oh my, YOU!!!" (We had some issues last year with Zack not completing his work and various emails back and forth, he did manage to pass the class though and I gained a couple more grey hairs in the process.) She came closer to the counter and said she did not mean to upset me at work, but she just heard from one of the teachers about Zack and HAD to stop by and give her Love to him. She said "I know I wanted to give him a swift kick in the pants a couple of times, but he is such a sweet young man, and I had to see how he is doing". I tell her what is going on, and how it is treatable and curable. She tells me that she is a two year survivor from cancer and though she didn't share it with all her students, she wanted Zack to know that he is strong and will be just fine. Before she leaves I give her the blog address and she asks if she can share this with the other teachers. I tell her she is free to share it with anyone. She shares that other teachers and staff want to keep up with his progress and she is sad he won't be returning to school, but is thrilled to learn he will graduate with his friends.

I finish my day at work, touching base with Zack off and on. Frank got home early because of the storms so I worried less. When I returned home Frank tell me that Zack went up to his friend Drake's house for about ten minutes and then returned home feeling queasy again. He had taken a couple more of his meds and was asleep. I went in to give him a hug and kiss, he woke up saying he felt horrible. I notice his MP3 player vibrating, check it and tell him that I see he had two new emails, he checks and it's a man he has been waiting to hear from about a car. (he is trading or selling his truck for an automatic since he was advised not to drive a stick shift with his port). He sits up, reads the emails, gets excited and comes into the home office to make arrangements to go and see it on Saturday. It was good to see him excited, he said "I still feel like crap" but I have something to look forward to". I share that I don't care what makes him feel better, it's just good to see him smile! He looks at me with the sweetest look and says "stand up!", he then gives me the best hug!, then runs to Frank to tell him about the appointment to see the car.

He can finally shower since the IV was removed and is ready again for bed. We made it through the first week. At least now we know (sort of) what we are in for. With each other, our family, amazing friends and the tremendous community support we have it made! We are truly so very blessed!

Day Two.... but who's counting?

Last night, we finally managed to wake Zack up and get him settled in his own bed. He was feeling more and more nauseous ,so he took one of his meds to help with that. He did manage to fall asleep. I didn't hear him except for a few times when he would get up to get more water. It is so important for him to stay hydrated and flush out the bad stuff. 

On the other hand, Frank and hardly had any sleep at all. Our beloved Shitzhu Sidi decided to have his skin allergies and scratch ALL night long. We would get up and give him a Benedryl  NOTHING... NO HELP! Finally I got up at 1:30 am and put his cone on his head to keep him from scratching, then he proceeds to loose his dinner and hour later and I'm up cleaning THAT! So after about 4 hours total sleep, we wake up ready?? (okay maybe not so ready) to face another day.

Zack and Frank went  for his half day treatment (which turned out to be another full day).  He was given another treatment, then three bags of fluids to ensure hydration and to flush out all the toxins from his system . I know that there is a protocol to be followed, but shouldn't it count that the kid has NEVER been sick, only had three antibiotic prescription in his entire life? Maybe this is too much medicine? Of course I will call and ask, but I'm sure they must follow the same for everyone, just the dosage changes based on weight.

It is so hard to hear your child when they are not feeling well. You feel helpless and yet we are only day two? Will he get used to this? Will his body adjust to all of this treatment? The good news is that he has been sleeping most of the day. I guess that's good news. I need to find something good from this day for him.

At lunch I sit in "something" with my white pants and now look like I .... well you get the idea, so I decide to head home to change. I call Frank to see how things are going. Zack is sound asleep so doing better as far as how he is feeling. We then discuss the dog situation. We need to get a good night's sleep, so Frank tells me how one of his clients washes her dogs with Head and Shoulders shampoo, I think, why not, so I have 30 minutes left and head home, chase the dog around the bed (he knows what I'm getting ready to do), put him in the tub and give him a "human" shampooing. I then get changed and head back to work with a sense of accomplishment.

Zack showing his "attitude" with his saltines, just before bed.

I am finishing up work for the day, when I get a call from Frank, who is furious!! He says that he is outside Walmart (pharmacy) waiting for them to finish the new prescription for anti nausea medicine. He goes back in to pick it up and the cashier tells him he can't have it as it is a controlled substance. At this point, he wants to get Zack home and is not in the mood to mess with these people. (Zack was in the truck sleeping in the back seat at the time). He look at the lady and says, "EVERYTHING in back of this counter is a controlled substance!" she responds that he must have a paper prescription for that type of narcotic. He tells her that the nurse called it in, and that's what they always do! She again says that she can't release it without the doctors signature on paper. THAT is when he went outside to the truck, calls the on call Doctor and explains the problem. Then calls me and tells me to talk to the doctor and see what we need to do. I tell him to go home, get Zack settled in and rest until I get back home.  "I will get in touch with the doctor and go to get the medicine".  By the time Frank gets home there is a message from the pharmacy "your prescription is ready for pickup". Frank calls me and tells me about the message. I make it to the pharmacy, and the woman is apologizing for the inconvenience. She tells me that "the Doctor called and said that we needed to release this to the parents. He is really looking out for you guys" 

I take the medicine and decide it is going to be another 30 minutes until the local BBQ place has our dinner ready. Not having taken Mom shopping the past couple of weeks, I realized that we were out of groceries ( I would always do my shopping with Mom), so I grab some stuff around Walmart. Ours is a smaller store, not a super center like in Moms town, so it is limited as to what I can pick up, but I decide to get saltine crackers, and caffeine free soda for Zack to maybe settle his stomach. (it worked when I was pregnant.. hey you don't think?? NAH!!) LOL


I arrive home to a tired young man, husband and dog.  Zack is on the couch sitting up, Frank is on the porch (his favorite place besides a river), with the dog sleeping on a chair across from him. All the stress of the days events leave, I have my family back home safe and somehow feel I can "control" what happens next.(of course we all know the reality of it all).


Frank and I eat dinner, Zack eats his crackers and coconut macaroons (a suggestion from a cashier at Food Lion that her customers undergoing chemo eat to help ease the nausea) and drinks his water. He closes his eyes and says he is trying to change his thinking. I tell him mind over matter, that is one thing Grandpa was very good at. 

We decide that I will take him in the morning for his shot of Neulasta. (See description below) He was going with his friend, but we all three agreed it was best for me to take him this time, since he has had these issues the last couple of days. Luckily his appointment is at 8:30 am, so we should be back in time for the busy part of my work day. Again, I have amazing bosses / friends who are super supportive and love Zack.

Neulasta^® works as a white cell booster. It works similarly to a protein that is made in the body. It acts on the cells in our bone marrow to increase the number of new white blood cells that are formed. 

Neulasta^® helps protect your natural defenses with just 1 injection per cycle of chemo. It is given approximately 24 hours after you receive chemo²

Zack is a lot more clingy the last couple of days, than in recent years as he tries to be the cool teenager around his friends.  I am enjoying our time together. I wish it were under different circumstances, but it is what it is (sorry Bob). Now it is time to rest and watch one of my shows while I slowly fall asleep.

We are nearly done with week one!! We are survivors and attempt to show some attitude!!