Friday, August 3, 2012

We're okay, really we are!! NOT!!

Another rough night for Zack. The doctor gave us a different medicine which knocks him out. So.. being the mother I am.. I worried that something would happen. I slept on the love seat next to him ( he wanted to sleep on the couch so he was closer to us) so I can check his breathing. Finally around 1:30 am I decide he is okay and go to bed. Within 30 minutes he is up again loosing what little he ate the day before. Frank jumps up to help care for him and I immediately send him back to bed. There is no reason for him to be up, I'm off the next day and he has to work. After about an hour, Zack falls back asleep and I again make myself comfortable on the love seat.

He wakes up about 8 am and is feeling better. I get up, make him three scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast, he is able to keep those down. He and I drove to the High School to set up his homebound and online classes for the semester. They are closed! We return home only to discover that I left both folders on the brick wall outside the school, so we drive back to the school and there they were waiting for me, right where I left them. "Told you I was alright".

Zack fixes himself a ham sandwich for lunch . I decide to go to the grocery store to stock up for the next two weeks. Since eating dinner hasn't been my priority of late, to late, to tired to cook as is Frank, I get crock pot meals, beef for stew, pork for pot roast, hamburgers already packed and ready to cook. We all need to continue to eat healthy, but if it doesn't get made, we bring home takeout and that's not the healthiest and certainly not affordable. I'm roaming the aisles and I can't read simple English. The labels are clear, my glasses are on but I don't know what they say. Okay, I'm loosing it. It's like I don't understand the language. My mother has that every now and then, but she speaks 6 languages. I barely speak two. I realize I'm again a zombie, doing what needs to be done, but not really "there". After an hour of roaming around the aisles I return home and Zack is outside with his friend Austen. It's so good to see him out and having some "fun".

Austen is putting fog lights on his truck which Zack watches. He sticks around for about an hour or so and has to leave, so Zack comes back in the house feeling weak and tired. I tell him to eat a couple of saltines and fix him a ginger ale. He has to drink so much water, ginger ale keep hydrated that he is tired of looking at his glass. I remind him that the more he drinks the more he washes the toxins out of his body. He reminds me that I've already told him that 1000 times. I laugh and tell him "I'm a mother, we like to repeat ourselves!" and I'm a control freak so double that!

If this past week has taught us anything, it's that none of us are okay. We run around and smile, but inside we are crying. We tell people everything is fine and it really isn't. The fact that the cancer is gone is HUGE!! I choose my words so very carefully as to not jinx anything or appear ungrateful! We ARE blessed. I KNOW that for sure! We are not fighting to get rid of anything, we are pro active in ensuring that nothing comes back, ever again. The journey so far is a tough one and we need to keep out wits about us. But when you are tired and emotional it's hard to do that.

We have all been shaken to the very core of our being. The bond that we have with our family and friends is unshakable, and yet we have already lost a few people from our lives for whatever reason. ( not able to handle it, don't want to have to think about it? too busy? who knows)  Having said that, we have gained many more friends and find ourselves even closer to "old" friends.

My mother, whom is my best friend, has been hit the hardest. I know that sounds weird, but at 80 years young, a survivor of WWII in Belgium, a lousy 17 year marriage, an abusive mother ( sorry Meme, you know the truth), 13 years caring for an adored husband with Alzheimer's only to loose him, a broken ankle, kidney cancer, broken back..... SHE didn't need another thing added to her life. I know, it's not about her, or me or Frank, but it affects us all. It affects her because this is her little baby that she loved and cared for when we owned the antique shop and he would go upstairs to stay with his Meme and Grandpa while they were making the Father Christmas figures. It affects her because they stayed together in the hotel room for 9 hours playing while I was doing the shows. If affects her because they have such a special bond that no one and nothing can break. Mom knows in her heart that he is going to be okay, that he IS okay. But to her, knowing what her grandson is going through without being able to "fix it" has been torture.

My nephew Nick called and is heading down to WNC to see his family and to visit with Zack. He asks if Zack is up to going to the shooting range or doing something, but I tell him he is not. He wants Zack to meet Forrest, his girlfriends brother ( I think I mentioned him before) who survived cancer and went through chemotherapy and radiation as well. We make arrangements for them to come on Sunday to the house. Zack confirmed that he would  LOVE to go to the shooting range, but is not up to it at this time. Forrest would also like to make himself available at the hospital or clinic when Zack has his treatments, just so he has someone with him that KNOWS what he is going through. Another blessing!  Rhonda is bringing mom grocery shopping on Saturday and then to Brevard to put more jewelry out in her booth, so I made arrangements to meet for lunch. I miss taking Mom shopping on Tuesdays, (a treat I have enjoyed for many years, "our" time ). I am envious because I want to do it, but my energy right now is not there.

Well, it is time to eat dinner I fixed an hour ago, I'm not hungry but know I have to eat. I blog when my mind works and now it is shutting down. I know this blog is especially "jumbled" today, but I write what I feel, and you are on the roller coaster with me right now. Hang on dears "it's going to be a bumpy ride" .  Hugs!!!

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