Monday, July 16, 2012

The Best Possible Results!!!

I wake up this morning full of extra energy. My hands are shaking, I have been awake since 3 am. I can't sleep. Who could? Well Frank, but with the physical work he does it's easy.  I get ready, staring at all my clothes and don't care what I put on. I find the most comfortable, easiest big black and white skirt. I need to have a no fuss outfit in case there is bad news. Yes, there is such a thing... at least in my mind  (which can be a scary place sometimes).  I go about my business, drop off the tax returns for Ruth to review, drop off the truck payment, I must stay focused on the tasks at hand so as not to go insane. Step one, two, three......

I make it to work just as Dr. Steve pulls in. He beat me to work, something that rarely happens. I am greeted by a warm and loving smile by both Doc and Atlas (our office mascot, a tiny little Pomeranian). I go in, turn on the lights, AC, computer, steps four, five, six..... We start greeting our patients. I smile, step seven..... hand them their folder step eight... and send them to the front room for their adjustments.. step nine... I KNOW I can make it until the Doctors office opens and we get our results from Friday's PET scan.   My best friend walks in (Dr. Nancy) and greets me with her sweet smile, she knows me too well, I can't hide my emotions. I look at her and say "nothing yet", "it's going to be good news, I just know it is" she responds with confidence. I quickly email Mom, with "no news yet", as I know she is already awake staring at the phone waiting for it to ring. By this time I had already called  Dr. Pollock's office for the results, "the nurses are not yet in, but they can tell me the results as soon as they get into the office." 

We are busy, a really good thing, pretty soon I stop counting the steps and just am on auto pilot. It is 9:30, 10:00 I call the office again, The nurse says she hasn't received the results yet, but will call me as soon as she has them. I wait until 11:00 and call the Cancer Center in Asheville where the PET scan was performed. The kind man says, we faxed them over two times to Dr. Pollock. I said " I am a mother, this is my baby, I NEED to know the results", he assures me he understands and said for me to call the Doctor again. "IF they tell you they don't have it, you tell them to call ME!!!" I hang up, call Peggy, Dr. Pollock's sweet nurse and TELL her the she DOES have the results and PLEASE PLEASE tell me... She says she can't but the Doctor will call. I ask when? She says ASAP!! I tell her to call him again and tell him I am loosing it!! Freaking out!! Going out of my mind!!! She calms me and says she will call him again. (Dr. Pollock is VERY good about getting back to his patience, I just don't happen to have any.

Within minutes I receive a call on my cell phone... I run into the Exam room leaving an adorable red headed child at the front desk. I sit on the floor and Doc P. asks how I'm doing. I tell him it depends on what you have to tell me, He says "there is not evidence that the cancer has traveled" "there are a few spot around the incision , but the lungs, etc.. look very good." I shout THIS is a miracle!!! Oh my God!!! So what's next. He says firmly, we are not out of the woods yet, he MUST meet with the team in Asheville and start the chemotherapy protocol. I tell him about my husband reservations and are the Doctors prepared to answer his questions. He assures me they are and tells me he will follow up in a couple of weeks. They will be the primary care givers from this point on. I thank him and he wishes us well.

I am sitting in my full skirt ( told you it was the right outfit) on the floor, sobbing for what seems to be an eternity. This sobbing is relief, I can breath again, I can smile and mean it, My "baby" is going to be alright. We still have a journey ahead of us, but we can handle it. I call Frank and tell him the good news. He says "why are you crying? happy cry" I laugh and say "yes, I can finally cry a happy cry. " I can hear from his voice he is so relieved. He says okay what's next. I remind him that chemo is still on the table and tomorrow's meeting will determine the next step. I call Zack and tell him, he is like "okay, hey can I borrow the car today?" Thank God he doesn't fully realize the impact, or maybe he's just very clever at hiding it. (of course he got the car!)

I finally come out of the room and am greeted by my sweet little red headed patient. She knows about  cancer having gone through this twice with her family. She looks at me and says are those happy tears? I give her a big hug and say "the happiest". She smiles her adorable smile right back at me. I go in the hall, Doc Nancy looks up at me, I give her a BIG thumbs up!! She comes running into her office, followed by Doc Steve and we all just stand there hugging each other with relief and joy!!! Nancy hands me the phone and says call anyone you need to, call your mom (of course I already had, she was out walking her baby Bijou, but when she returned Bobby had the good news for her).  Mom returned my call and was in tears, I swear she was ready to faint, she could barely breathe!! I worry she is taking this so hard, but I can't make her feel better, I can't even do that for myself lately. As Bobby says, we are a family of "fixers" and this one... WE can't fix, so we have to rely on others to take care of Zack. As I come out of the office another sweet face greets me at the front door, it's Jessica my co worker and dear friend. She has come in with her adorable three children for their family adjustment. I tell her the good news and she is in tears, another group hug and the inner office circle is complete. 

Today's modern technology makes it easy for me to reach out to everyone all at once. I text, call, email and FB family and friends during lunch. Docs Steve, Nancy and myself are sitting at our favorite table under the tress at our local Mexican restaurant, looking at each other and smiling. We all know this is a blessing, a miracle !! We are ready for the next miracle.

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