In search of peppermint............

Today was just an ordinary day in the hospital. The walls are starting to close in on both of us and I've had a chance to go out for an hour here and there, so I can only imagine how Zack feels. We both woke up around 8:30 am, with very little sleep. Zack because of all the checks and amounts of times he had to visit "mother nature" due to the high volume of fluids being pumped into him and me just because I'm not in my own bed. (told you princess....) My mattress' sit right under the air vent, so I constantly have recirculated air, either hot or cold blowing on me all night. Whine Whine..... Big Deal!

I headed out in search of peppermint oil for Zack. The Aromatherapy group here in the hospital brought some to him the first month to help alleviate his nausea. They put a cotton ball in a container and the oil on top of it. Though they continue to bring it to him each time he is admitted,  I have been in search of it ever since. All the stores in my town didn't have anything, finally yesterday Brian (our day nurse) told me to check out the Co Op up the street from the Hospital. I was in luck and found it immediately. My friends also posted on FB several other ideas, some which we have tried and some locations we haven't looked before. 

Frank stayed home today, he worked part of the morning and since the project he is working on requires him to be there after hours and on the weekend, we decided it was better for him to stay home and not come visit. We are all learning on how to conserve our energy. It wasn't that long ago that he was sick for three weeks and unable to work. He is just now getting his strength back. In the winter we have to put clear plastic on all our window to help insulate them even more. Luckily, Frank was doing that today, so the house will be winterized when we get home. Check... another thing off our list!!

I went to get my hair cut, my usual routine now every time we are in the hospital. This time a young lady was there. I never know who is going to be there from one time to another. At this point I really don't care. I don't have much time to spend thinking about what I look like. I make sure I'm dressed decently and as long as my hair is short and clean, I'm good to go. She did a decent job, a bit choppy in areas, but like I said.... I decided to take a few extra minutes and see if I could find a new flowing skirt. Karen was the inspiration. I went to a store just around the corner from the hairdresser and after trying on three items, left without anything totally disgusted. I have put on so much weight, I can blame it on the stress, hospital food, boredom, the moon, it doesn't matter why, what matters is what I will do about it. Right now, today, I'm disgusted, exhausted and feel defeated in every area of my life.  

I return with lunch and settle in for the rest of the day with bookkeeping from Franks business. Zack is doing rather well. His leg is hurting a bit and when I check the burns they are healing beautifully. There is one new area that doesn't look so good, but I'm sure treating it with the cream, it will be just as good as the others. Zack has been resting, watching movies and doing his school work. I took some time to do research online and look for gifts for the nursing and office staff at the clinic. Everyone over there is involved in Zack's care and I wanted to make sure I had everyone covered. I found the cutest little coin purse / key chains with a monogram sewn on. Since I have the list of each staff members names, it was so easy to personalize it even more. I went back to doing bookkeeping and all of a sudden find myself asleep and waking up an hour later with my hands still on the keyboard. Zack looks at me and says "good morning sunshine."  Of course by this time it is a little after 5 pm.

I see that Rhonda had emailed me and said she wanted to bring dinner again. (She has been spoiling us this week)  Zack stated that he wanted to go ahead and take a shower tonight, so  knowing the shift change at 7 pm would make it impossible  to get help for an hour or so, we ask the day nurse to wrap up and unhook him from the IV fluids. Once finished, Zack and I wrap up his burns and show the one area to the nurse and he says "that's really not my area of expertise, but I will make sure the wound care specialists look at it tomorrow." Translation? "my shift is over soon and I really don't want to start on another thing right now." Okay, we're fine with that, we have taken care of his wounds up to this point and it probably won't cost us $1,000 for bandages and tape. 

Rhonda calls around 6:00 pm, she had a person walk up to the door at the last minute and being the great employee she is, took care of business. She had me order at the local Greek restaurant (which really serves Italian food???) and before we know it, the three of us are sitting down enjoying yet another great meal. She shares her day with us and I see how tired she is, yet she still takes the time to come and see us, bring us meals and visit for awhile. Our relationship hasn't always been the best, we have certainly had our ups and downs and yet as I sit here and listen to her, I am so pleased that we were able to work out our differences. She is really such an important part of our lives again. I did miss my sister!

Once Rhonda begins to leave we look at the clock and realize that Zack's fluids have been off for about an hour and a half. I call to the night nurse to get him hooked back up and ask when chemo is to begin. This is a new nurse to us, Amber is her name and she usually works the day shifty. She is a petite blonde with a ton of energy.  Once she left the room, Zack looked at me and said "she needs to lay off the coffee" She would come back in and explain everything she was doing. Zack would motion to be as if to say "why???" I explained that this wasn't our first rodeo and she was thrilled that we knew what was going on. She had four patients and he specialty is oncology. We are learning that the nurses that care for him all have their specialties in this field. That's why we usually have the same people each time we come.

It is now 10:30 pm and he is on the second part of the chemo treatment. Zack has started to taste that "weird" metallic taste. He grabs something sweet to help counteract the bad taste. It works for a little while. The senses are so different with this treatment. His sense of smell is very sensitive  and tastes have changed as well. Things he used to enjoy bring different reactions now. As we wrap up the last day in the hospital and prepare to go back home tomorrow, we are grateful for another "successful" stay. I don't like counting what is done or what is ahead, that is something I have realized only recently. I choose to live for what life will bring us today and think about tomorrow when it comes...... At least that's how I feel today. 

Radiation..... DONE!!!

Zack had a good night's sleep Wednesday night and Frank was off to an early start Thursday morning. I waited to call and talk with Zack personally until 11 am knowing that he would have the trip to and from radiation until that time. At first he didn't answer the phone, so I thought he was still at radiation, but a mothers intuition is rarely wrong, I called again and within 15 minutes he answered. He was feeling horrible and said that "they" gave him Zofran, which is the one anti-nausea medicine that makes him feel worse. It was my understanding that this had been taken off of his chart, or at least marked as one not to give. I immediately call Brian who was the day nurse and told him to remove that from his chart, he was very apologetic and said he would take care of it. He said he offered Zack Benedryl (which normally makes him sleep), but Zack didn't want any. I told him to go ahead and give it to him this time, he needed something to help with his nausea and sleep was the best thing for him. Once he had that, he was able to sleep and thus felt a little better.

I finished out my day at work and was on the road by 6:30 pm. Rhonda was joining us for dinner in the room, so since Zack wanted KFC spicy chicken (one of his favorites these days) I decided to stop and pick up something for us all. I also needed to get more drinks and breakfast items, so I stop at the local grocery store, which unfortunately decides to pick tonight as the night to wax the entire stores floors, so NOTHING is out in the isles. I leave there and head across the street to KFC and it takes them 10 minutes to cook the meals, then leave and drive a little further down the road to the next grocery store where they had everything I needed. I am finally feeling the home stretch and eager to get into the room and rest. When I was within reach of the Hospital (5 minutes) I am all of a sudden stopped by a train. I am trapped where I can't take the back roads, so I must just sit and be patient, not my best attribute of late. Knowing there is a distinct possibility of me not finding a parking spot, I call Rhonda and ask her to meet me in the lot, locate an empty space and block anyone from taking it. (Okay so I was a bit over demanding at this point, of which we later laugh about) By the time I arrive at the Hospital, it is 8:30 pm. I find Rhonda on her cell phone standing in the middle of a space, guarding it with her life. She is holding an empty carrier, which I had also asked her to bring down from the room for my purchases. She greets me with a tired smile (she has been working every day for the past two weeks) and says "your wish is my command." I hug her and have a hard time letting go.  

Zack looks very tired, he doesn't really even appear to be enjoying his meal much. He just sits there and eats, while Rhonda and I visit. He has already started with his nightly chemo treatment and is hoping for the best. Not long after I arrive, Rhonda heads home and I crawl in bed. Zack is up for awhile as the Benedryl has worn off and he is plenty rested. I awake around midnight and tell Zack he needs to shut everything off and just rest, even if he can't sleep, he must rest. Soon he is sound asleep, it didn't take long for me to follow. 

We wake up this morning celebrating the fact that it's his last day of Radiation. Zack get dressed and when Maria walks in she asks if I would like to ride with them  to the Center. Not having had this opportunity before, I quickly accept, throw some jeans and a shirt on and we are off. Zack is placed on a gurney and we are wheeled up and down the elevators, through the many hallways of the hospital and outside to a waiting ambulance.  On the 10 minute ride over, Zack talks about Ford motors vs. Chevy and how one ambulance compares to another. He all of a sudden starts to become more alive. Last night and early this morning he had a look of pure anger, I try very hard and say "it's not about me, it's not about me", but when your kid looks at you with anger, it's kind of hard not to take it personally.  Of course I go about the business of getting him what he needs and let him feel whatever he wants to feel.  I'm not sure I could handle this with such grace if it were me. 

We arrive at the Cancer Center lower level and are greeted by a nurse, then another nurse, then the office staff and they are all congratulating him on this being his last radiation! He was given a certificate signed by all the staff.  After today, no more radiation! Zack seems unfazed and as always when asked how he is doing, simply gives a thumbs up.  He is in a bad mood and is going to stay there!!! They are not yet ready for him, so we sit in a "holding area" and Maria and her partner tell us they will be back soon to pick us up. I sit there quietly, grab him an orange juice and me a cup of coffee, anything to pass the time. It is an awkward silence for me, as I know he is feeling so many things and yet unable or unwilling to express himself. I decide to tell him that I need a list of  small Christmas ideas for him, Frank has come up with a great "large" present. His expression changes, a little twinkle comes in his eyes. He says "am I going to LIKE what Dad wants to get me?", I smile and say "OH YEA!!!". All of a sudden he starts talking about the "bumble bee".. AKA his truck. He tells me he wants to do this and add that and will have the windows tinted and oh yea, you know the bars that go along the side...... He came back to life, stood up straight and was suddenly my Zack. We spent the rest of the time talking (or he did)  about trucks and the different parts, etc... It's such a blessing to witness when your child has found passion for their future career.  They come to take him for his final treatment and within 10 minutes or so he is done. While he was having his treatment, I went to the front desk and left the staff with a little goodie bag with chocolate covered pretzels, nuts and all sorts of other delicious treats. This is a new business my boss' daughter has started and I was so excited because it was the perfect "Thank You!" gift for taking such good care of Zack. We wait about thirty minutes for our ride back to the hospital and following the same procedure are back to our home away from home.

The rest of the morning was spent resting, watching movies on our respective laptops and napping.  I headed downstairs around lunch to pick up some sushi for us and decide to take one of the goodie bags to show to the manager. I had mentioned to Doc Steve yesterday that I was going to "try" and meet with the manager since I was upstairs anyway and see if they would be interested in selling these in the Hospital cafeteria and shop.  I placed the bag in my purse, headed downstairs and asked to speak with management. A gentleman came out and before I could get the package all the way out of my purse, he says "we need that!". I said "good, 'cause we have what you need!". I explained how the business started and that I would be glad to have my boss contact them to arrange a meeting.  He immediately phoned the senior manager and yes, they were interested. He asked if I could leave the bag so they could see the packaging and sample the food. I was a bit hesitant as I had purchased that bag as a gift ( I had already given one to the night staff, radiology staff and this one was going to be for the day staff). I handed it to him and said "Take this!". We exchanged information and after grabbing the sushi, I headed upstairs. Excited  I called Doc and gave him what we hope will turn into good news.

Around 2 pm or I get a call from Doc and he is ten minutes away with another goodie bag for me to replace the one given to the manager. Oh course my first question was "is Doc Nancy with you?", she has been to NY to see her mother for the week and I have missed her terribly. Though she wanted to surprise me, I pulled the truth out of him. We agreed to meet in the lobby in ten minutes. On my way downstairs, I hear this wonderful  Christmas music in the hall of the pediatric wing just outside Zack's door. I follow the music and there are three musicians, one playing the cello, one guitar and the other the violin. I stood there for a few minutes just absorbing the Christmas spirit. 

As I sit in on of the lobby chairs, Doc calls and is right around the corner from me. It was so great to see them both. This time there were even more treats, banana chips, chocolate coffee coffee beans, a mixed bag of "trail mix" and the gift bag. Zack was thrilled to see the banana chips, always his favorites. The Docs came upstairs and visited for quite a while. Zack wasn't very talkative and Steve was doing his best to get him to laugh, with occasional success. It was so nice having company, with each passing month of treatment the visits are less and less, I guess everyone is... well I am learning, it doesn't matter why, "it is what it is".  I walk Steve and Nancy downstairs to their exit and head back upstairs. Zack and I are chilling again, of course eating the delicious snacks, when an hour or so later Karen, our Social worker from the cancer center comes dancing in. She has a beautiful skirt on, which I immediately covet, of course her size 1 vs my size 18 .... well.. no comment. Karen is always so full of energy and excitement. She came bearing gifts from one of the organizations, several gift cards for Walmart. Perfect!!! That's where we get his medicine, his drinks and snacks.  What a special gift! We visit for awhile, show many pictures of  Zack when he was little, in middle school, the Santas my family used to make (one of which I just won on Ebay.. more on that when it arrives) and my fathers paintings. Karen then sees Zacks artwork and tells us about an organization that comes into the various clinics to help children with art. The only way they supply their art closets is through the art work. She explains that the children draw something, they are scanned and then the copies are sold all over the place. The funds from this artwork is then used to supply the art closets. Karen loves Zack's work and asks if he would consider donating a piece to be scanned and sold.  There is not question he would do this. Just another way to give back! 

As we are wrapping up our visit with Karen, Amy and Bill walk in. How fun it is to have so much company. It wasn't until later that I realized how much talking both Zack and I did. We were two children fighting for attention. Of course Zack comes to life when Bill is in the room. They talk about Drake, (Bills son) and trucks, motorcycles, guys stuff... Amy just had major surgery a little while ago and though she looks great, is still very tired. We visit for a while and kick them out so they can go eat dinner and get Bill to work the night shift at a local nursing home (in Brevard). Just as they are leaving Rhonda calls with dinner orders.

Rhonda arrives with a wonderful dinner. Though still exhausted from the days work, she stays to eat dinner and visits for a short while. We discussed how Mom and Bob were going to get their groceries this week when Zack raises his hand and says "hello???, I can take her, just let me know when." "Monday, after your Neulasta shot, IF everything is okay with labs etc..." "It's a plan, let Meme know."  As soon as Rhonda left I pick up the phone and tell Mom, who is thrilled, she not only gets to see Zack, she gets to ride in the bumble bee!!! 

As Amy (night nurse) arrives with the chemo treatment, Zack and I decide it is time to settle in for the night. Half way through the chemo he starts to feel bad, so he is given Benedryl. Soon thereafter he is sound asleep. I sit here filling in two days of details and think of how nice the day was. Even though we are in the Hospital, we make the best of it and look forward to going home on Sunday. We are grateful the radiation is done and have on less "thing" to deal with. 

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday........

It is Monday and Zack's blisters are healing slowly but surely. We had decided to keep him from radiation treatment to give him one more day of healing. Our plan for this week is to be in the hospital, so since he only has four more radiation treatments, they can come and pick him up and bring him over for the rest of the week. No more driving every weekday to Asheville. What will he do with all that time? School work!!!! We figured that by the time he leaves the house and returns four hours are gone and it's the middle of the day. It's always better to get a good night sleep, eat breakfast and hit the ground running. By the afternoon he is already tired.

Zack went to school to drop off some work and ran into the assistant Principal. She "casually" mentions a test to him (one he has never heard of) and then says something like, never mind you won't be an early graduate anyway. Zack freaked. He came by the office and told me what she said, I of course, said "well, she was trying to get your attention!", You haven't turned in any of your English and you are way behind. IF you don't get it done and NOW, NO you won't be an early graduate. Though we rarely see the teachers, I think maybe five times since school has started (and that's total teacher visits for all) We have to hold Zack accountable as well. Tough? you bet! Again, a boss is not going to stand over him and say "now get your work done", at some point he will need to learn self motivation. I am disappointed in the "system" and how little effort is being put out, but they too are limited in the amount of time they can expend on one student. Aggressive words from an exhausted parent, who is having to also be teacher, cheerleader, bookkeeper, mother, housewife, well..... the fact that I'm writing the blog two days "late" should say it all, 

As I'm sitting reviewing my Facebook page, I see an invitation to a fund raiser. It is a young lady, 15 years old and in her second year of high school. She goes to the same school as Zack and had just had surgery for a brain tumor at Duke University Hospital. They thought at first it was benign but pathology reported it to be malignant. I won't go into the details, it's her journey and I can't keep track of others details as well. It is going to be a tough road ahead, this I already know. I saw that she was friends with Zack on FB and asked her to friend me. I wrote a personal note to her and her parents (not sure of her comprehension level after surgery) and told them to call if they ever need someone to talk to, as we are going through a similar situation. I see now that she accepted me as her friend too. This is all I can do for her, offer support and prayers. She seems to have a great support system. That is so important. Without friends, family and yes, even community support these journeys can be even longer. We, (again I can't say enough), are so blessed to have such support world wide!

As I sit there reading about yet another young cancer patient, I start to anger. I am fed up with this word, fed up with what it does to the kids and their families. I meet so many people, in the waiting rooms, hospitals, clinic and now FB. I hear their many stories and many successes as well. My emotions are up and down so many times when this word is mentioned. Lately it is the anger that comes out. "Who cares what the hell it is called, it's cancer" was one such comment which offended a very dear friend. Let this be my apology from this point on... if I offend, it is NEVER intentional and please accept my heartfelt apology in advance. I am a woman that has always taken what life throws my way (not that it's been that bad of a life). Right now, today I'm pissed. 

Let's move on to Tuesday morning,. We are all packed and ready to go. Just like when I was expecting Zack, a bag is always packed with the Hospital "staples", these are items that are not used in between visits, two lamps, extension chords, light bulbs, snacks, blankets, etc.... It doesn't take us long at all anymore to get ready. We have the folding laptop table, ottoman with a blanket neatly folded inside, the prepared bag and then we add our clothes and toiletries. All of this fits neatly on a rolling baggage carrier for when we arrive at the Hospital. Snacks and drinks are always purchased at the store after we are settled in the first day. We even have the arrival down pat. We pull up to the entrance, unload, leaving Zack with everything. I then go and "try" (usually after three times around the lot) to find a parking spot, walk back up to the entrance and we arrive on the third floor, Pediatric Unit ,with a a loud "We're BACK!!! Of course, as always we are greeted with a smile and our room number.

We started out this morning, as always, with radiation. They tell us this is the last week and it is more centralized than in previous visits. This is considered the "booster" treatments consisting of four. The burns that are still healing will not be affected anymore and will now be able to heal completely.We then arrive at the Pediatric Oncology floor and after labs are drawn are told the counts are well enough to "go in".  Dr. Bottom comes in and is concerned about the blisters. She doesn't want Zack to go in to the  because the chemo will shoot down his immune system and if he continues with both this week, his wounds may not heal. Zack (who usually doesn't have an opinion about when to go in ) looks at the doctor and firmly says, "I'm not going in next week!" I have the house party and two other parties I'm invited to if my counts are good. Dr. B decides to call the doctor who is handling his radiation and he assures her that there will not be anymore burning, so we are approved to go in.

We enter the Hospital, get settled in and it is now 3 pm and I head to the local store for drinks and snacks.  Just before I left for the store I noticed a contest on FB through a local store. The person that leaves the last comment at the end of the contest (no time given) wins this large antique nativity. So, I decide what the heck. Let me just say that, there were five of us, leaving comments off and on for four hours. It was so funny. We were the same five, with one additional person here and there. One lady in particular, Karen was saying what a rough week she was having and she really needed it, her underlying tone was playful, so I put in (remember people I have a weird sense of humor) that mine was worse because my kid is in the hospital. (this was also another chance to share our story via the blog, so I put that information in there as well.). She read it and immediately said "I don't REALLY need it", and I replied with "me neither, I'm just using the sympathy vote".  I did get a very sweet message from Karen, as she too has a 17 year old and it touched her heart. The fun part was that the five of us started getting silly. I was in Walmart and hadn't put my name in for awhile, so someone said "where's Sabrina?" I , of course having this all on my cell phone answer "lost in Walmart", Karen responds "attention Walmart shoppers, please find Sabrina and show her the exit.` I respond "I see a light Karen, should I go into it?" her response "No, I don't think you should." Others had similar responses and it not only made the time go by, but allowed me the luxury of laughing, yes out loud in the middle of walmart. I didn't give a damn who was watching me! At some point we were putting down each others names to be the winners, the President of the store posted the rules stating "the person who wins MUST show ID"... yadayadayada....Unfortunately someone marked us ALL (5 of us ) as spam and we all got either warnings from FB or were blocked!  We had all teased of visitation and when we discovered it was "one of our own" that won, my comment to him was "we will all meet and expect a custody arrangement to be made." Through all of this, I have met a new friend. Karen and I are now FB friends and thanks to a silly contest, had a wonderful afternoon.

Once finished ( a couple of hours later), in the store, I met with Rhonda in Zack's room. I drop off the goodies for him and his dinner and Rhonda and I  head down to the cafeteria for dinner. As we head downstairs to the 2nd floor I see a family in the corner of the Pediatric ICU waiting area. All of a sudden I realize they are the in laws of my former boss, Lisa.  Though I didn't leave work on the best of terms ( I quit after having a breakdown and she didn't understand) I still can feel for their misfortune. I went up and gave the mother, sister and father a hug. They are there waiting for news of their great granddaughter (26) who was in a head on collision with her 6 month old in the car. I found around lunch today (Wednesday) that the baby suffered a broken leg and the mother needed surgery on her arm. Both mother and baby are expected to make full recoveries. My meal was horrible, dried up roast beef, so I ate the roll as Rhonda devoured her sushi (which she said was fantastic!) Once finished , we said our goodbyes and I headed back up to Zack. They were just getting him ready for chemo treatment at 8 pm.  I had fallen asleep before him and when I woke up at midnight, he was still up on the computer, with the lights on and TV blaring. I told him he needed to get to sleep and change (he was still in his long pants, belt and even his boots). He snapped to which I snapped right back and said "not your punching bag!!" He immediately after changing gave me a big hug and apologized. He then explained that every time he moves his legs hurt from the burns. My heart sank, am I helping him or hindering? I tried to explain that perhaps wearing his shorts instead of long pants would help his legs heal faster, less material rubbing his legs. He agreed and thanked me. Within minutes, he was sound asleep, as was I. 

It is Wednesday and we are now down two more radiations and one more chemo for this week. Zack has figured out that if he wears my ear buds that came with my phone he can't hear anything else in the room. It's kind of funny in fact. We have to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention. He wore them all night and slept very well. I was so tired, I never even heard when Stacy (his evening nurse) would come in. I had ordered three mattress' this time, (yes I AM familiar with the princess and the pea). The only place to put them in under the window, which is also right under the heat / air conditioning vent. Zack was hot all night, so the air was on most of the time. I had hid under the covers, but when I woke this morning my sinuses were worse than yesterday. My eyes felt like two bowling balls were laying on them. We were awakened by a knock on the door. It was the EMT coming to transport Zack for his morning radiation. Within minutes they were all three out the door and I was getting ready to go to work in a couple of hours.

Zack returned from his therapy saying "they broke the machine." We had to go and use another one. Of course the joke for the rest of the day was "YOU broke the machine?" Dr. Scothorn came in and checked out his burns (Zack didn't want Donna .. daytime nurse to check him, he is embarrassed). Doc S. said everything looked good. He too is not worried about more burning.

Jessica offered to work for me this morning, so I took her up on her offer. I get a text at lunch (around the time I was heading out to work the afternoon shift) and Jess is offering to continue to work the afternoon shift.  Feeling worse I call her and make sure she really can and that Doc Steve is okay with that. Doc Nancy is out of town visiting her mother and I already felt weird about missing the morning. Her response, Yes I can and Doc says it is just fine!! Something inside just gave in and I finally thanked her and said I will come by and close tonight and get everything ready for the morning. I call Rhonda to meet for a quick lunch (she only has an hour and I didn't want to eat at the hospital again), we meet and once she heads back to work, I see go back to the Hospital and chill until 5:30 when I decide it is time to head home.

Zack had fallen asleep in the chair with his hands holding up his face. Before I left I helped him to the couch (torture chamber), get him covered up and kiss him goodbye. His face is flush so as I'm heading out the door I ask Donna (daytime nurse) to please check his temperature. She gives me a big hug goodbye and tells me to take care of myself. It isn't moments later that I can't hold the tears in anymore. I am exhausted, sad and an emotional mess right now. I know not feeling well is not helping at all, so I decide to just get my butt home and in bed.

As I head home I call my Mom/ Brother and he calms me down a bit, as he is always does. I talk with Jessica and thank her for working and just as I'm pulling into the drive, Doc Steve is checking to make sure everything is okay. He isn't feeling 100% so he says "we will do the best we can tomorrow, get some rest.". Once in the house I throw in a couple of loads of Hospital laundry, Zack is going through clothes right now with changing of bandages and is already short for the week. I sort through the mail, hug my little Sidi who is glad I'm home, but confused about the "others" not being here.

I call Frank to see is Zack did indeed have a fever and he says "no, it's all okay, rest." So, here I am finishing up a blog that has taken me three days to complete. I am glad to be home, but can't wait to be back with my "baby" tomorrow night after work. We are reminded constantly to, "count how many are left and you will feel better", not really!!! We are very busy making it just day by day, it's hard to look ahead or behind, we are here today and we must make today as easy as possible on Zack, tomorrow is yet to come. Of course, that's how I feel today, tomorrow maybe I'll be less pissy!!! (smile)

Mamma sweepy!!!

Christmas at "OUR" Castle!!!!

   

      Can  you tell that Christmas has come to the Kensinger - Fisher house?  Not having much "spirit" about the Holidays, I wasn't going to put out all of our decorations. This morning I woke up with a list in my head to finish up the weekend chores. I was still coughing most of the night,  so my morning started early. Frank and Chris (his employee and one of Zacks best friends) had to work again today. Chris arrived at the house an hour earlier than expected, he had forgotten that Lowes didn't open for another hour. So he and Zack had some time to hang out and catch up. Chris is a very caring young man. He goes with Zack to a lot of his appointments and when he noticed I was not well, asked how I was doing each day. 

Once Frank and Chris left to work, I fixed a nice breakfast for Zack and I. He still didn't really have much of an appetite so he only ate a little. Imagine my surprise when he came out and said his leg was much better. His blister on the other leg finally ruptured so he cleaned and bandaged it. We have to make sure that nothing gets infected, as his immune system can make it harder for him to heal as he would normally.  

I continue with the laundry and start to hang garland up. Zack had noticed that the garland hanging from the mantle over our new heater had melted and was all hanging down instead of being round and fluffy. For safety, we had decided to remove that and I put it on the mantle. I then placed my Dads Victorian Father Christmas figure and horse on the mantle as well. My parents had made these for years and we would travel around the Country selling them at high quality arts and crafts shows. The Biltmore House that I talk about so often, had commissioned them to make an authentic Victorian clad "peddler" and a sleigh. In Seasons past, we would see them displayed in the "Chippendale room" and other rooms of the house. This is the first year we could not spot them.  My other Father Christmas figures I had placed on two shelves in the home office and put plexi-glass in front to seal out the dirt and dust. These can't be displayed in the living room as in previous years, but we have the pleasure of enjoying them year round. 

Checking in on Zack, he is continuing to do better. He is resting and hasn't even asked to go anywhere. We decided to cancel his radiation treatment for tomorrow. He needs one more day to let the burns heal. He will then be in the Hospital on Tuesday (if counts are good) and can continue with the final four treatments. We also will feel more comfortable, as the nursing staff can treat his burns and keep a close eye on him. He doesn't argue with us, he is actually pleased that he doesn't have to drive there. This will also give him a chance to turn in some of his school work and collect more to work on in the Hospital.

Before I know it, Zack has brought in the last box containing a portion of my mother in laws Village buildings. The entire village was divided among the four children when she passed several years ago. I always put this out on my grandmothers buffet (Kas in Flemish) and create a winter wonderland with hidden lights and lace cloth to mimic snow. Once I am done with the finishing touches, I vacuum the house and it is time for a nap, but not before putting in a "frozen" pumpkin pie for dessert.

I wake up just as Frank and Chris return from work. I would love nothing better than to go to bed and sleep for the rest of the night, but I need to finish dinner and have billing to send out for Franks business. Once that is all done, Frank brings my dinner to me as I complete it, I fold up everything and go lay in the bed.

Though most would say I didn't rest this weekend. My idea of rest is not running from one appointment to another and not feeling anxious about everything on my list. I take time to sit and rest in between "projects" and finish the weekend off with a sense of accomplishment but also a little more rested.  

Living a dogs life... today....

Frank woke early this morning to go into work. The project he is working on must be done on the weekends. He is making repairs to an inside water feature at Gaia Herbs. I sleep in as I had a rough night of coughing. I'm feeling better, but now with the "dry" cough the head starts hurting. I know in a couple of days I will be over this. Zack wakes up with me rustling around in the kitchen. His spirits are good, but he is having a hard time walking. His leg hurt him all night from the blisters. He told me that at some point last night, they had ruptured and it took him awhile to stop the bleeding. I wish he had called us, but he is so independent . He told me he knew he could take care of it and he saw no reason to wake us.

Zack lays on the couch and we both decide to rest today. Of course my version of rest consists of doing dishes, laundry and vacuuming  Though the latter never happened. I took Sidi in for his haircut and after running to the store for some staples and grabbing lunch was promptly back home. Zack and I watch a movie and right in the middle the phone rings, Sidi is ready to be picked up. Though it is only five minutes away I know the traffic is going to be crazy because the parade is coming through town. I seem to have forgotten that the parade also ended right where I had to go for the pick up. Luckily a policeman was there and motioned me to go through to my destination. As I turn left into the parking lot, a rather aggressive woman driving an SUV is pulling out and we are nose to nose. I am already out of the road and into the parking lot so there is no where for me to go. She refuses to move, so I simply motion which direction I am headed in as she does the same. I sit back with my hands on the wheel as if to say "I'm not moving, I can't!", She looks at me in anger and finally backs up, then follows me and parks right across from me. It all worked out perfectly because she was able to find a spot due to my persistence. Remember my new quote is "I'm not passive aggressive, I'm aggressive, aggressive. "  I pick up Sidi and am back watching the movie with Zack and relaxing again. At some point I had received a call from Linda. Big John did very well last night. She tells me if he continues like this it will all be okay, but we both know this is again the "honeymoon" stage where he does what he is supposed to do and then a couple of weeks later, he is back to his "old" self. I can only hope and pray that he stays the course and makes it easier on everyone involved. For now, it is good news. 

We watched about five movies, one right after the other. Frank returned home from work and after we had the delicious left overs of soup,  Zack decided to shower so we could check his leg. It was so hard listening to him, he was crying from the pain. When he came out, we looked at the area where the blisters had burst and though it looked very good (not infected or red), he was in so much pain, tears were running down his face. At 5' 9", Frank was standing on his toes trying to hug him and about in tears himself.  I held a light so that Frank could see exactly where to place the burn cream and then apply gauze to keep the area protected. Since next week is our Hospital week, I prepared Zack for the fact that they will continue to bandage him, (they will not allow him to do it for himself ) so he needs to make sure he wears his shorts. By doing so it would also keep the area loose from clothing irritating the skin. We always have to think two steps ahead. What to bring, how is he feeling, what will he want to drink, what will he want to wear, eat. What scent will be best for him in the even of nausea. Of course that is still a couple of days away, but It's already on our minds. 

Once a "chic flick", Sabrina... comes on the TV, I am banished to the bedroom by the guys. Of course, still having laundry to fold and ready to lay in bed and finish watching my movie I am happy to oblige. I wouldn't want to torture the guys, that's for sure. 

Life = Tortilla Soup

I guess I spoke too soon, well sort of, seeing that I still can't talk today. I go into Zack's room to wake him, he is getting ready very slowly today, he is also in a bad mood. Not feeling well, I "snap" and whisper that I can't keep being everyone's smiley face. I'm not feeling well, can't communicate at all today and need his help. I offer for him to drive himself for radiation treatment so he doesn't have to hang out with Mom and I, but he turns me down. It isn't until  just before we are ready to leave that I see tears in his eyes. I ask him what is going on, he tells me that he is hurting on his leg and his knee went out of it's socket again. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Here he is in pain and I'm on my pity pot. He shares that his left leg, the opposite of where the tumor was removed and where he is getting the radiation, has blisters on it and is burning. He also tells me his girlfriend broke up with him. He tells me he is tired of hurting. We somehow only talk about the "girlfriend' for a couple of minutes. He is young and I remind him that a REAL girlfriend is one that he can see and talk to, not long distance (he likes to play it safe and keeps long distance relationships, works for us too!). We quickly move on to his leg. He tells me that it just started to hurt last night and then he notice some blisters. He has been putting aloe on it, but this time it's not getting better. He also shares that his knee has gone out four times in the past few days. This is what happened in the hospital a couple of stays ago, when he collapsed in the bathroom and was in so much pain. 

I told him to talk with the Doctor today about the burning and see what we needed to do in addition to the aloe. ( I was to be with Mom for her CT scan and he prefers to talk to the Doctor on his own) I told him that I would talk with the doctors on Tuesday and see if we need to see a specialist about his knee or what they recommend.  We know his weight doesn't help at all, but also need to make sure nothing is going on in addition to that. We drive to Hendersonville and pick up Mom. It's so good to see her again, even if it's for tests. We try and make all the time we have, at least a little fun. I had already emailed Mom ahead of time letting her know it was going to be a short day. Tests, radiation, lunch and home. She was good with that plan as she has been pricing tons of jewelry for her booth and is tired as well.

We have to laugh as she can't hear and I can't talk. Zack has to be the translator today. Poor kid, he wasn't in that type of mood, but handled everything like a pro. Though still in a lot of pain, he dropped us off and insisted on continuing on to his appointment alone. five minutes away. I called radiology and advised them of his knee and the blisters on his leg to ensure they treat it properly. The nurse says "this is Zack's mom right?" knowing that she can barely hear me, I think that is what she is referring to, "oh he tells us everything."  Oh okay, why am I surprised? He has handled this entire situation like an adult. 

Mom and I go in for her CT scan. A sweet young nurse puts in an IV so they can do the contrast. We are advised to wait in the waiting room for 30 minutes until her labs are done to make sure it's okay to proceed with the contrast dye and scan.  While waiting Zack and I text back and forth. He is vague, but says they gave him two two containers of burn cream. He was advised to put it on as needed for the pain. This is what they had warned us about. It took him awhile to have this reaction, but it seems to be quite painful, especially on the back of the leg.  They call Mom in for her scan and before I can complete one Words with Friends game she is done. Zack is taking longer than usual because they are treating the leg, so we just sit, I pull out my phone and in my "notepad" application am writing to her. We laugh as I write that I am glad she can read!!! 

She is worried about me continuing to go and help unload Big John's stuff from the nursing home. I tell her this is the last little thing that I WANT to do for Linda. It won't take long and I promise I will be home and rest for the weekend. She knows I am stubborn and not very good at taking advise, so she reluctantly concedes. I had texted Floyd and told him that Zack would not be there because of his leg. His Doctors told him to take it easy and not run around, he needed to let it heal. Linda is adamant about me not coming up to help, but I know she is still going to be a work when we get there.

Once Zack picks us up we all agree on Cracker Barrel for brunch. Mom and I love it there as they have a cute little store attached to the restaurant and we always manage to find a little something unusual (though today neither of us were really in that type of mood) . After a nice breakfast, we grab some dog food for Mom and Bobs babies and head back to bring Mom home. I make a quick stop at our hairdressers place of business to pay her for Mom's (early) Christmas present a hair cut at home tomorrow. We drop Mom off, but not before picking up a box full of beautiful jewelry for her booth in Brevard and two huge boxes full of brand new toys from Mom and Bob (their annual tradition) to take to Marines Toys for Tots. Zack is sound asleep in the back seat, so we put the boxes around, in front and in back of him. He is nice an cozy.

As soon as we arrive home, Zack goes and lays on the couch. He is walking very slowly and I tell him to stay home and take it easy. I head out to John and Linda house, no one is there yet, so I plug in my phone and watch a movie on Netflix. Before I knew it, I was sound asleep. I'm not even sure how long it was before Floyd and Big John arrived. I was anxious as I was still so angry at him and yet how can I be when all he wants is to be at home.  I am becoming an expert on mixed emotions these past few months. I have learned that whatever I feel, it is right for the moment. I am not eager to run to him and welcome him with open arms. Billy (Linda's son) comes up to help and between the three of us, we have the truck unloaded within minutes. I run inside to us the restroom and am followed by John in his electric scooter chair. As I get ready to leave, I walk up to give him a good by hug and he thanks me for coming to help. I don't answer. He puts his fingers up in a cross pattern and says "I hope your not contagious." I look at him and say "No, but thank you for being so concerned about my health." As I walk down the path, I can't help but chuckle. He is who he is and will never change. It really isn't worth me getting upset over. I stop by the truck to give Billy and Floyd a goodbye hug and am on my way. It felt good to fulfill my promises for the day.

I had received a text earlier in the day from Jessica (my partner in crime at work). She checks in with us quite often and for some reason felt something was wrong today. I told her it was a rough day, but won't be a long one. She offered to fix us dinner and I have learned to say "Yes, thank you very much" when someone offers something.  After a quick trip to Lowes (yes I went there AGAIN) for window plastic to winterize our house, I stopped by and visited with Jess and her family for a little while. It was so nice, even though my voice was squeaky the entire time, to just sit and catch up and watch the kids (three adorable 6 yrs, 3yrs and  9 months .. I think I have ages right) running and crawling around so happy. I was handed a box with a pot full of tortilla soup, tortillas, shredded cheese, sour cream and a pumpkin cake for dessert. I said my goodbye and headed home. It was 5:30 pm, a full but successful day. 

Zack was laying on the couch when I arrived home, Frank was walking Sidi. I immediately heat up the soup and devoured two big bowls full. Oh my gosh!! I have never had this before and I have found my new favorite! It's kind of like our lives right now, there is a little bit of everything in a big pot and yet somehow it all works well together. Frank and Zack took their time getting their dinner, I guess they weren't as hungry at first as I, but they too loved it. Zack even had two bowls and has not been eating quite as much as lately. We were all sitting around so comfortable that I talked them (I didn't really have to twist their arms too much) into watching Men in Black 3. It had us all laughing and chilling! I was in heaven. Zack's knee was being iced, he put the cream on his leg, Frank was nurturing to him and explaining how to help it heal faster with continued use of aloe, the cat decided I was the perfect pillow and the dog laid on the floor with his "baby", a stuffed animal he suckles until he is asleep. 

Once the movie was over, it was my Que to go lay in the bed and write the blog for the day.  I received a couple of texts from my sister in law, Tammy. I texted her back telling her to call me, forgetting that I hardly had a voice. She just needed to talk a little about everything that has been going on with Big John, her kids and life in general. She kept talking about what we are going through, how she can't understand how we are handling everything and why I'm still trying to do it all. This is a common question / statement I receive quite often. I simply explained that once all of this is over, I don't want to be lost and try and figure out who I am. Though, who we are changes daily.

"No trash in my truck Mom"

I took a day off (Wednesday) from blogging because, well simply put, it was as normal a day as we have had in a long time. Zack decided to drive himself for radiation. He said he hasn't been as tired lately and kind of likes driving himself. He had to take my car because his truck needed a new power steering hose. He was there and back within three hours. He had already arranged to have his friend meet him so he could drop off the truck, get me my car and pick his truck up when finished. 

He was so excited when he got his truck back, he went straight home and pulled out the shop vac to really clean out the interior. I guess some of what I do has rubbed off on him. He took one of our small organizer baskets and arranged the supplies he uses neatly in the basket. Mom was teasing that he will stop and wipe down the vehicle when he goes through a puddle. Zack just grinned and said "I have to agree."  I was never quite sure which way he was going to go, neat or sloppy. With my car he would do the best he could at keeping it clean. With his.. everything has it's place and when we were together going to Asheville, he showed me where to put the trash. "No trash in my truck Mom". Kind of fun to witness.

He has been doing his school work more steadily. I'm sure that it is finally hitting him that he only has a few weeks left in this semester. I told him failing a class was not an option, it would show up on his records for Tech school and later the Auto Diesel School in Nashville (his ultimate goal).

I came home from work and find myself feeling pretty bad. I know this feeling. I get it every year when the "leaf season" is nearly done. I know EXACTLY what I have done wrong,. I didn't wear my mask when blowing the leaves at my sister in laws house. Add to that the emotional crap of Tuesday and you have someone (oddly enough.... or not!) with her voice becoming weaker. I crawled in bed, Frank fixed an amazing dinner and as I gulped it down, I realized I was right where I wanted to be, home and in bed resting.

Zack had been spending time up at Drakes, doing his homework while Drake worked on his own truck. He came home by 9 pm and was in good spirits. Frank is slowly coming back to his old self. Work has slowed down, he missed a total of 10 days of work and that is hitting us pretty hard, but I know he and the business will bounce back. It always does.

It is now Thursday and my throat no longer hurts like last night, but my voice is pretty much going. Zack is again going to his radiation therapy on his own. This time he gets to take his truck, so he is even more excited about the drive. He must also go and have his lab work done to see if he needs a blood transfusion tomorrow. I arrive at work and of course my boss teases me about my voice (who doesn't like teasing a person when they sound like a mouse squeaking). He is concerned because I had the flu shot (something I have always been adamant about NOT having, but was told that we HAD TO for Zack's sake.) My boss is worried that I now will have the flu or something as a result of the stupid shot. I try and assure him that this is NOT anything more than what I get every year from the leaves. It actually becomes a joke, we run around and say it's the "leaves"... 

By mid afternoon my voice is so far gone that people on the phone think I'm crying. THEN I have even more fun with it and tell them (only the ones that know us well) that it's the doc being mean to me and made me cry. Of course they all get a good laugh in. It was actually pretty funny the things some of the patients came up with, from "your husband must be in heaven", "Hey Doc are you enjoying the quiet in the office?" to "I don't think I have EVER seen you not talk, that must be torture for you!!". Ah yes, I feel the love. It made the day go by and with the laughter, as they say "it's the best medicine."

Zack calls me at lunch and tells me that he does not have to go back for anything at the cancer center until next Tuesday, when we go into the hospital. He does continue with radiation tomorrow and Monday, but the other can wait. It has been two weeks since he has had chemo and I'm glad his body has had a chance to rest a little. The radiation is enough for the moment. I make arrangements via email with Mom for tomorrow. I would have LOVED to talk with her, but that would have been pretty sad. She can't hear and I can't talk. I remember when Dad , (who had Alzheimer's for 13 years) was alive, we would get such a good laugh about she and him. (Remember you must learn to laugh at bad situations). Dad would say something to her, she would lean in and say "What?, I can't hear you", Dad would then say "I can't remember". 

Mom has a CT scan to make sure her only kidney is okay. She had cancer in her other kidney over a year ago and had it removed. This is a standard followup.  I then call Floyd to arrange a time to meet him at John and Linda's house tomorrow to help unload all John's stuff from the nursing home. Linda and I also talked and tried to come up with solutions. To everything she says "he won't do it."  Linda has tried everything, but when it comes to John, he does what he feels like doing and doesn't care about anyone else.  He never really has, it seems and that's so sad.  I talked with an old neighbor of theirs today and they told me they can remember how mean he was to his kids. He would  treat them like crap and then be nice to everyone else. They had a real hard time forgetting what they witnessed and to this day, unfortunately again, they don't have anything really nice to say about him. I can remember better times of course and I'm sure like his kids, try and hang on to those memories. Getting old sucks and I try and remember that sometimes our "bad" attributes get worse when we get older. To end ones life with little or no friends, family that loves you, but really doesn't want to be around because of how you treat them. Sad indeed. 

Once I return home from work, I again decide to crawl in bed. Frank has fixed me a nice hot bowl of chicken noodle soup and I just motion instead of talk. He tries to get into two in depth discussions about what I don't even remember anymore. I look at him and in a whisper say "don't argue when I can't defend my views, why would you do this now?" All of a sudden he looks at me and smiles.... the brat!! He KNOWS I can't talk. For shame!!!! Zack is up at Drakes again, doing his school work and just hanging out with his friend. He again returns before 9 pm and is limping. His knee has been going out of the socket lately and he said it happened twice again today. I'm going to talk to the doctors to make sure it isn't related to anything he is going through. 

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully my voice is a little better. I'm going to rest it as much as possible, until I really need it. Oh, wait.... never mind!!!!

Mom, I bought the bumble bee!!!

So it's Monday and Zack and Frank are ready to go to Asheville for his radiation therapy. Frank, Zack and I spent most of Sunday afternoon on the internet trying to find another vehicle for Zack. This time, since the last guy never bothered to return even my call, we were determined to go with a dealer. Three strikes, your out!!! with regards to private sellers. 

I find this nice, bright yellow 1999 Dodge Dakota extended cab truck, call the dealer and they are just about to close. The owner of the lot assures me that he is going to be closed until Monday morning so the chances of us getting the truck is very good.  After the radiation treatment the guys go to the dealership and a few hours later emerge with "the bumble bee".  While they are purchasing the truck (so blessed, the insurance check from the burned classic car covered the expenses of the new truck) I got a call at work from the cancer center. They told me Zack needed to come by for lab work. Zack told Frank to go ahead to work and he will go for his tests alone and return home. He was so excited about the truck, he was full of energy. I'm not sure who was more excited, Zack or me. I get my car back and he finally gets something that he will be able to drive. He stopped by the office to show us his new truck and Doc Steve threw a bunch of change from his pocket onto the front seat floor. He explains that this is a tradition back "home" where her grew up in NY. Zack was beaming as he was showing off his new truck. 

It is now Tuesday and Zack is driving ME to Asheville in the bumble bee. He is to have radiation and double blood transfusion today. Zack is not having any adverse reactions to the radiation so we are very pleased with that news.  He only has one more week and  the radiation therapy is DONE!!! We did just find out today that he was supposed to have back to back hospital stays (news to us). Since his counts were down last week, and this week we go in next week. I'm not sure anymore what the heck that means for Christmas, but I'm thinking we are home. Like I said before, we WILL be home, they will just have to wait for us!! Zack wasn't thrilled when he got the news today, but after yet another "cheer up" session, I just kept saying "three more hospital stays after this one, let's knock them out!" 

While he is getting his blood transufsion, I had set up a meeting with Big Johns (father in law) Doctors, case worker and social worker. Unfortunately the other children could not make it, though I wasn't sure that "strength in numbers" would have made any more of an impact. Linda (mother in law) and I met with and pretty much wasted out time discussing why they should not allow John to go home. I guess, the patient has all the rights and the caregiver has none. So, after a condescending statement from a primped up 21 year old Hospice case worker telling me "you really need to understand where HE is coming from." HE REALLY wants to be home and promises to be good and follow directions. I said "OH so you can guarantee that he will take his medicine, not catch his bed on fire for a third time when he smokes in bed, not smoke with the oxygen tank on, not threaten his wife or family members that try to take care of him, he will not keep them awake all hours of the night just to turn on the TV or the computer, or just because out of pure spite he will scream until someone comes running so he can throw a book at them." I tell her NOT to talk to us in a condescending way, We are well aware of what it is being a caregiver, we don't need HER telling US how to feel or how HE feels, we have been caring for him for years!!! I told them that he is in such great shape because of the 24 hour care he receives in their center and by sending him home, where he will no longer follow their recommendations they are sending him home to die and quite possibly taking some other people with him. He has already threatened to burn the house down with Linda and Billy in it!  Bottom line? He comes home Friday, the bed and oxygen tank will be brought over Thursday, have a nice day and by the way "thank you so much for meeting with us." I remind the young woman that WE were the ones that called the meeting NOT them, and NO they are NOT welcome!!! 

As Linda and I exit, we go to see John. He is smug and asks how "our meeting went". I look at him and tell him that Frank and I are involved now and if he so much as lays a hand on Linda or does anything that could threaten their lives I will personally call Adult protect services and have them open a file and come out and observe his behavior. He tells me to get the hell out of his face and not talk to him that way. He tells me he doesn't need me or anyone else in his life, he is going home and that's all he cares about. The sad part about all of this is, I love this man, he has been in my life for 30 years. We all love him and wouldn't waste five seconds of our time if we didn't. Through the good and the bad, I feel for him and hate that this is how his life will end. Such anger, hurt and disharmony. I don't like this side of me that came out today, I am both embarrassed and angry that I allowed myself to get so upset. This is a no win situation, where we all loose.

I was never so pleased as when I got out and went back to Zack. Having called or texted the "kids" with the results, I opted not to talk to anyone about it anymore. I have expelled what little energy I had left today and though I promise to be there for Linda, I have handed the rest over to John's kids. They are four in number and more than capable of handling it from here.  My energy can be better served with my son, husband and mother. Zack was still upset about going to the hospital next week, but has been resting off and on. We have another hour before the transfusion is complete. Zack asks how the meeting went, I fill him in. He tells me it was a good thing he wasn't there. He is still young , but understands fully what is going on and has his own opinions. He can be headstrong like his parents. 

While finishing up, we receive a text from Melanie who had been by earlier to give Zack a hug. She is there with her daughter for blood work. It was so neat to share our relationship with the staff. Zack introduced Mel as his "other" mother, I introduced her as "his nice mother, I'm the tough one." We all got a good laugh at that. Once we were done, Zack and I grabbed lunch and make a couple of stops, naturally for items for his truck. The truck started to make a weird noise, Zack pulls over and determines that all the power steering fluid is gone. Luckily we were right next to Target, so we run in and get what is needed. We arrive safely at home. Frank and Zack look at the truck and see that the hose has a hole in it. After an understandable "fit", Zack calms down and runs to the parts store. The part will be in tomorrow, he will take my car for his radiation tomorrow and when he returns will take his truck in to get repaired. 

Exhausted, but with renewed strength to start a new day I settle in for the night. Zack visits with Drake as they clean out his truck, armor all it, wash the windows, and install a box for his supplies. He is back to his good mood and has learned yet another lesson. (If you own a vehicle.... Shit happens).

Bah Humbug!!!

The day started out relaxing. I was the first to wake around 7:30, followed by Frank and much later Zack. Unfortunately we must wake him at 10 am for his shot. I walk in his room and he says "I know!!".  None of us have any plans for the day. I have a list of things I "must" do, but don't really have the desire to do anything at all. I just sit on the couch, fix a couple of frozen waffles for breakfast and start to catch up on more recorded shows. Our Directv box has been acting up, freezing during programs both recorded and live, so I know we are going to have to replace it, which means we won't have the shows we have recorded. 

Zack had brought in the Christmas boxes and they are strewn all over the living room. Usually this would drive me nuts, but today, I'm not even in the mood to decorate. The guys are quieter than usual. It isn't until later in the evening that I learn that Frank isn't feeling well again. Zack is in a bad mood because he has to do a lot of school work and we told him to get it done (again!!). Frank joins me on the couch to watch the shows and is very quiet. 

I am playing more games online, playing on Face Book when I get an email from Mom. Rhonda has been working non stop every day for the past two weeks. She is tired today and tells mom she will come tomorrow after work to take her grocery shopping.  I see that and immediately email that I am on my way to have lunch and take her shopping. Mom emails me back and tells me NO NO NO!!! Stay home and rest!! We have a "battle" via email and of course I win!! I let Rhonda know, not to worry about a thing, rest, I got it covered. I was so glad to get out of the house, since I had been sitting so much, my neck had started to hurt and I knew a little of exercise would do me some good. I asked Frank to load the leaf blower in my car so I could go and surprise my young sister in law by taking care of the leaves in her yard. Some think I'm  crazy to do that , but I love doing that type of work, you see instant results!  

I pick up Mom and we grab lunch. It's so nice to see her again. I worry about her. She takes everything that Zack (and we) are going through too much to heart. She is being overly empathetic and needs to release some (a lot) of the worrying she is doing. It is draining her energy and making her have to work twice as hard to think in a positive way. She is hurting a lot lately too. I'm not sure what is going on, I keep asking if she did something to hurt her back, but she says no I'm just tired. I know there is more going on than she is telling me, or maybe even she doesn't know. 

After lunch we head to the Aldi, one of our favorite places to shop for groceries. They originated in Germany, but I can remember going shopping with my Meme in Belgium at the Aldi right around the corner from her apartment when I was younger. Mom meets a couple there who are sharing their history and Mom is telling them about Belgian chocolates, cookies, etc... She seems to hear them well, so I leave her to visit as I finish grabbing a couple of items. Once we finish paying for the groceries I see Mom leaning on the counter. I encourage her to sit as I finish bagging all the food. (that is one way they save, no bagboys). We leave and head to another store to grab Bobby's drinks and wrapping paper. I quickly run into the pet store for dog food for Sidi. Mom tells me she had a wonderful day, but wants to me go as soon as I drop her off. She knows I still want to do Jamies yard and it will be dark soon. 

I drop off Mom and her groceries, give Bob and her a big hug and head over to do the leaves. She was right, within an hour it was getting dark and by the time I finished there was just enough light for me to see how to put the blower back in my car. It felt good to get out and do some things. I wish I could give my mind a rest, but the emotional stuff will be there for a while.

Once I am home, Frank tells me Zack is at his friends house for another camp fire. He did manage to get a lot of his school work done so he asked to go up for a couple of hours. The tree had not been decorated yet, so I started to pout a little.  I didn't want to do it alone, they didn't want to do it, maybe we just don't decorate this year! Frank got up and started to decorate apologizing that he had not even paid it any attention. It wasn't until much later that I realized (after much questioning) that he wasn't feeling well.  I started to hand him the ornaments and within an hour the tree was finished and beautiful! Zack returned home, had a great time and commented on how pretty the tree was. It was good to be back home and though the energy in the house is down, I know it will be back up as soon as Frank feels better.

I go into the room with some presents I have purchased for Christmas and go ahead an wrap them. I bought this pretty blue and white paper, all the presents are going to be that color this year. I finish wrapping everything and put them under the tree. Again, I feel a sense of accomplishment. Every day I must stay on top of things as much as possible. We never know what each day will bring and it is more tiring to "catch up", than to stay on top of things. Tomorrow Frank and Zack will go to radiation and then look at the trucks. Tonight Zack is talking about the yellow Dodge (my favorite), so we shall see. Let's hope it is an easy day for us all!

"Mom, You talk too much!!!"

It is "black Friday". I'm not really sure what that means anymore. I see in several advertisements that it now starts at midnight in most stores. I guess it's like gambling, everyone wants to be the first ones there so they can get the best deal. I went a couple of years ago (three hours after the doors opened) just to see what the fuss was all about. If you want to feel like a herd of cattle standing in line for the food, then it's for you. NOT for me. 

Frank, Zack and I decide to go together today  for his radiation therapy. We must be there at 8:15 am and then followed by blood work. We hope that the guy calls us while we are there to see the truck. We are all in good spirits, ready to handle whatever happens today. I (again trying to be the cheerleader) tell both Frank and Zack that we must just go with the flow of whatever is to be today. No expectations, no anger, just deal and make the best of it. We are all in agreement.

We arrive to a skeleton crew at the radiation department. Always very nice and cheerful, they greet  Zack and bring him right in the back for treatment. Frank has stayed in the car, there is no reason for a "crowd" to be there (as Zack puts it, he doesn't like a lot of attention when doing this). I tend to calm Zack down faster when he is upset, so it's a good plan just in case he needs a transfusion. He finishes with his treatment and we are to go up to adult oncology and hematology on the third floor.  

Zack and I step out of the elevator onto a large waiting area the length of the building. The chairs are all laid out in rectangular patterns, each facing another. There is a large television at the end of the area, with a shelf in the middle of the room acting as a divider.  The reception area is at left of the elevator, but somehow it is confusing as to where we are to go. Staff is running around when one young lady in scrubs hears me say Zacks' name and says excitedly "oh, I have your chart, follow me." Immediately, the young man at the reception desk says, rather abruptly "NO, I HAVE HIS CHART!". Zack and I look at each other and then at the young woman, she, looking embarrassed, says "Oh, I guess I DON'T have the chart".  She asks us to have a seat and will be with us in a moment. Zack and I sit across from each other and looking around, I mumble to him "weird energy!", he chuckles and says "ya think?" I comment that the receptionist forgot to shower, his hair long and very greasy, clothes all wrinkled and the attitude on top of that, I almost got up and took Zack out of there. What a difference between the children and adults. Yet everyone is going through the same thing. Why should anyone be treated any differently. Do (as Zack reminded me he will be next year ) 18 year old and older be different? I felt better when I saw one of "our" people with another patient Zack's age. She gave me a hug, looked at Zack and commented on how much better he looks. The nurse takes his blood without having issues finding his vein (very unusual) and within thirty minutes we get the good news. NO TRANSFUSION!!!! We were so happy, we had found out when you go into the hospital for a transfusion they keep you there eight hours (in the clinic it takes about three).

We head out and meet Frank at his truck. Still having not heard from the guy selling the truck, we go ahead and grab some breakfast. An hour later, still no word.During breakfast and on the ride to Asheville, I called two of the case workers about Big John (Franks Dad). I tell Amanda (Hospice social worker) that I will be in Asheville on Tuesday and insist on meeting with the two doctors that are releasing him. I tell her, if they are going to release him, then they must assume responsibility for his care and should anything happen to him, Linda and Billy in the event he smokes and blows up the house with them in it. I also tell her that I will go to the news and let them know what is going on. (a few months ago a woman was smoking while on oxygen and blew up her apartment and nearly killed the people around her.) I told Amanda, when John was in HER facility (Elizabeth House, a Hospice Care Facility ) we were visiting him, he started to light a cigarette with his oxygen on and still in his nose. I had grabbed the lighter and Frank grabbed the tank.  We then brought everything to his nurse. Amanda agrees to get the Doctors together. She "reminds" me that John is the one insisting on going home, and I "remind" her that this man also doesn't remember everything all of the time due to hardening of the arteries. I also talk with the case worker in the nursing home and tell her we are going to try and get him to agree to stay for another week. She says she will do whatever she can to help us out. She says "this is the hardest case I have ever seen, he is a selfish man and doesn't care about the safety of anyone around him." she offers her apologies that she can't do any more for us. Legally everyone, including our hands are tied. 

Zack comes up with the idea of the three of us going to see him. He says "Mom, maybe he will listen to me" I ask him if he REALLY wants to see him, he tells me he is ready to see him and thinks that he has a shot at Papaw "hearing" him. He also thinks if we stall, the truck guy will call. We arrive at the nursing home, John is not in his room, we know exactly where to find him. Sure enough we go up to the second floor patio and there he is smoking. At least he didn't have his oxygen on him. They had set up his room so that he can't leave with a tank. He is thrilled to see Zack (this is the first time since he lost his hair). Immediately the guilt sets in. How can we love someone and be so angry at the same time? My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I'm be deceitful, but also know (without being overly dramatic) that it may possibly save lives. Many have questioned why I'm involved. Why not let Frank or the other kids do all of this. The answer? I know what I'm doing. I've been here before and time is of the essence. If we had time, I would let everyone else handle this and when Linda came and asked for my help, I would do anything for that woman. She and her son are the reason he is still alive, they took care of him for all these years and I for one will not let her down. Anyone that knows me as a friend, knows I would do the same for them. We have a nice visit when John brings up going home. I tell him we may need to push it back a week as the bed and everything is not set up yet. He then looks me straight in the eyes and says I am going HOME and nothing or no one is going to stop me. Zack tells him that he is looking so good and he would really like him to stay in the home. He say's I cold come see you when I get my treatments and you would still be around, because they take good care of you here. He tells us again, no one does anything for him, he does it all for himself and will continue to do so. the discussion became heated and I won't go into those details, it's not pretty, it's down right sad to witness. A son trying to get his fathers respect, love and understanding. It never has happened before, why would it happen now. Zack witnessed this and has a new understanding of his father, though he doesn't quite grasp it all  yet.  We leave a couple of hours later. Give John a big hug and kiss and are on our way to a more peaceful day. I am exhausted, not physically but emotionally. I call Linda and fill her in on the day. I tell her I have one last move and if that doesn't work, he will be coming home. She is to meet with me and the Doctors on Tuesday . If he does come home, she and Billy may need to look into staying somewhere else, perhaps if "they" see he is alone, he could get the 24 hour care he needs. 

We head home without a call, text or email from the truck guy. Zack is resigned to the fact this may never happen. Once home, I lay on the couch and take a nap. Zack and Drake are in his room playing video games and just relaxing, while Frank is outside reading his book.  Once I wake up I remember I need to make a bank deposit, so I run out and while our stop at the local department store to see if I can find some special gifts. Excited, I returned home with Gifts for my niece and nephew and a few odds and ends for stocking stuffers. With Christmas coming close and us not sure of our daily schedules, it's best to get done what we can, when he have a chance. When dinner is over, I find myself with a sore throat. Zack gave himself his shot (still a routine twice a day) and was heading to watch TV. Frank was watching one of his blood and guts movies so I crawled in bed and within minutes was sound asleep. 

It is now Saturday morning and I'm only awake ten minutes and managed to piss off the "guys". Frank, who woke me up with the TV too loud who could have simply said "I'm sorry I didn't realize" and Zack because I asked for the number of the truck guy. He didn't want me to get involved, but after two weeks of this, his emotions every time a change in meeting and me wanting him to get a truck so I can have my car back I am ready to step in.  Within an hour we all are talking to each other and apologizing. My sore throat is much better. I realized it was probably because I was talking soooo much yesterday my voice was tired. (those who know me are laughing hysterically right now).  Frank and I start to look for a truck on the internet. This time we decide to go to dealers instead of individuals. We have a better chance of finding a good truck as well as recourse if something goes wrong. Three hours later I find a bright yellow Dodge in Asheville, across the street from that is another truck he wants to look at as well. I call the dealership and they are closing in an hour. Frank assures me he will take Zack on Monday morning for radiation and then go and look at the trucks. We have a plan in motion! We are all excited and can now move on with the rest of our day. 

Zack (after asking 1000 times... teenager remember!) brings in the Christmas boxes. Frank goes up to the water feature and decorates the area. He also puts up the new LED lights we bought for the trim of the house. I am still pretty tired from yesterday. I was planning on going to Jamie's to help her with her leaves (also to check out her new house she is renting) and then go to see Mom.  I decide I need the day to be "lazy" and rest. So off and on, I watch TV, play games on my laptop and nap. I start to set up the tree and then chill again. It's so nice to have a couple of days to rest after all the emotional crap. I so look forward to Tuesday, one way or another a decision will be made with regards to John and I will know that we have done everything in our power to help. 

It is night time and Zack gets a call from Chris ,they are having a campfire at his house so he heads up there.. and no Chris. He returns home, sits in his room and says "he wasn't there!" I partially laughing and yet my stomach in knots, I tell Zack he needs to work on his communication skills. He tells me not to worry about it so much. I sit down and tell him how I'm always "trying" to ensure he is okay, happy and safe. I wish I could relax and KNOW that everything is going to be fine, but especially more so now, trying to find the balance is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. When his moods are so extreme it's hard to figure out what our next move should be. At least we can handle it as it happens and we must never try and figure out what lies ahead. One thing all of this has proven, we are not in control and must adapt with what life throws our way.