Friday, November 30, 2012

Life = Tortilla Soup

I guess I spoke too soon, well sort of, seeing that I still can't talk today. I go into Zack's room to wake him, he is getting ready very slowly today, he is also in a bad mood. Not feeling well, I "snap" and whisper that I can't keep being everyone's smiley face. I'm not feeling well, can't communicate at all today and need his help. I offer for him to drive himself for radiation treatment so he doesn't have to hang out with Mom and I, but he turns me down. It isn't until  just before we are ready to leave that I see tears in his eyes. I ask him what is going on, he tells me that he is hurting on his leg and his knee went out of it's socket again. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Here he is in pain and I'm on my pity pot. He shares that his left leg, the opposite of where the tumor was removed and where he is getting the radiation, has blisters on it and is burning. He also tells me his girlfriend broke up with him. He tells me he is tired of hurting. We somehow only talk about the "girlfriend' for a couple of minutes. He is young and I remind him that a REAL girlfriend is one that he can see and talk to, not long distance (he likes to play it safe and keeps long distance relationships, works for us too!). We quickly move on to his leg. He tells me that it just started to hurt last night and then he notice some blisters. He has been putting aloe on it, but this time it's not getting better. He also shares that his knee has gone out four times in the past few days. This is what happened in the hospital a couple of stays ago, when he collapsed in the bathroom and was in so much pain. 

I told him to talk with the Doctor today about the burning and see what we needed to do in addition to the aloe. ( I was to be with Mom for her CT scan and he prefers to talk to the Doctor on his own) I told him that I would talk with the doctors on Tuesday and see if we need to see a specialist about his knee or what they recommend.  We know his weight doesn't help at all, but also need to make sure nothing is going on in addition to that. We drive to Hendersonville and pick up Mom. It's so good to see her again, even if it's for tests. We try and make all the time we have, at least a little fun. I had already emailed Mom ahead of time letting her know it was going to be a short day. Tests, radiation, lunch and home. She was good with that plan as she has been pricing tons of jewelry for her booth and is tired as well.

We have to laugh as she can't hear and I can't talk. Zack has to be the translator today. Poor kid, he wasn't in that type of mood, but handled everything like a pro. Though still in a lot of pain, he dropped us off and insisted on continuing on to his appointment alone. five minutes away. I called radiology and advised them of his knee and the blisters on his leg to ensure they treat it properly. The nurse says "this is Zack's mom right?" knowing that she can barely hear me, I think that is what she is referring to, "oh he tells us everything."  Oh okay, why am I surprised? He has handled this entire situation like an adult. 

Mom and I go in for her CT scan. A sweet young nurse puts in an IV so they can do the contrast. We are advised to wait in the waiting room for 30 minutes until her labs are done to make sure it's okay to proceed with the contrast dye and scan.  While waiting Zack and I text back and forth. He is vague, but says they gave him two two containers of burn cream. He was advised to put it on as needed for the pain. This is what they had warned us about. It took him awhile to have this reaction, but it seems to be quite painful, especially on the back of the leg.  They call Mom in for her scan and before I can complete one Words with Friends game she is done. Zack is taking longer than usual because they are treating the leg, so we just sit, I pull out my phone and in my "notepad" application am writing to her. We laugh as I write that I am glad she can read!!! 

She is worried about me continuing to go and help unload Big John's stuff from the nursing home. I tell her this is the last little thing that I WANT to do for Linda. It won't take long and I promise I will be home and rest for the weekend. She knows I am stubborn and not very good at taking advise, so she reluctantly concedes. I had texted Floyd and told him that Zack would not be there because of his leg. His Doctors told him to take it easy and not run around, he needed to let it heal. Linda is adamant about me not coming up to help, but I know she is still going to be a work when we get there.

Once Zack picks us up we all agree on Cracker Barrel for brunch. Mom and I love it there as they have a cute little store attached to the restaurant and we always manage to find a little something unusual (though today neither of us were really in that type of mood) . After a nice breakfast, we grab some dog food for Mom and Bobs babies and head back to bring Mom home. I make a quick stop at our hairdressers place of business to pay her for Mom's (early) Christmas present a hair cut at home tomorrow. We drop Mom off, but not before picking up a box full of beautiful jewelry for her booth in Brevard and two huge boxes full of brand new toys from Mom and Bob (their annual tradition) to take to Marines Toys for Tots. Zack is sound asleep in the back seat, so we put the boxes around, in front and in back of him. He is nice an cozy.

As soon as we arrive home, Zack goes and lays on the couch. He is walking very slowly and I tell him to stay home and take it easy. I head out to John and Linda house, no one is there yet, so I plug in my phone and watch a movie on Netflix. Before I knew it, I was sound asleep. I'm not even sure how long it was before Floyd and Big John arrived. I was anxious as I was still so angry at him and yet how can I be when all he wants is to be at home.  I am becoming an expert on mixed emotions these past few months. I have learned that whatever I feel, it is right for the moment. I am not eager to run to him and welcome him with open arms. Billy (Linda's son) comes up to help and between the three of us, we have the truck unloaded within minutes. I run inside to us the restroom and am followed by John in his electric scooter chair. As I get ready to leave, I walk up to give him a good by hug and he thanks me for coming to help. I don't answer. He puts his fingers up in a cross pattern and says "I hope your not contagious." I look at him and say "No, but thank you for being so concerned about my health." As I walk down the path, I can't help but chuckle. He is who he is and will never change. It really isn't worth me getting upset over. I stop by the truck to give Billy and Floyd a goodbye hug and am on my way. It felt good to fulfill my promises for the day.

I had received a text earlier in the day from Jessica (my partner in crime at work). She checks in with us quite often and for some reason felt something was wrong today. I told her it was a rough day, but won't be a long one. She offered to fix us dinner and I have learned to say "Yes, thank you very much" when someone offers something.  After a quick trip to Lowes (yes I went there AGAIN) for window plastic to winterize our house, I stopped by and visited with Jess and her family for a little while. It was so nice, even though my voice was squeaky the entire time, to just sit and catch up and watch the kids (three adorable 6 yrs, 3yrs and  9 months .. I think I have ages right) running and crawling around so happy. I was handed a box with a pot full of tortilla soup, tortillas, shredded cheese, sour cream and a pumpkin cake for dessert. I said my goodbye and headed home. It was 5:30 pm, a full but successful day. 

Zack was laying on the couch when I arrived home, Frank was walking Sidi. I immediately heat up the soup and devoured two big bowls full. Oh my gosh!! I have never had this before and I have found my new favorite! It's kind of like our lives right now, there is a little bit of everything in a big pot and yet somehow it all works well together. Frank and Zack took their time getting their dinner, I guess they weren't as hungry at first as I, but they too loved it. Zack even had two bowls and has not been eating quite as much as lately. We were all sitting around so comfortable that I talked them (I didn't really have to twist their arms too much) into watching Men in Black 3. It had us all laughing and chilling! I was in heaven. Zack's knee was being iced, he put the cream on his leg, Frank was nurturing to him and explaining how to help it heal faster with continued use of aloe, the cat decided I was the perfect pillow and the dog laid on the floor with his "baby", a stuffed animal he suckles until he is asleep. 

Once the movie was over, it was my Que to go lay in the bed and write the blog for the day.  I received a couple of texts from my sister in law, Tammy. I texted her back telling her to call me, forgetting that I hardly had a voice. She just needed to talk a little about everything that has been going on with Big John, her kids and life in general. She kept talking about what we are going through, how she can't understand how we are handling everything and why I'm still trying to do it all. This is a common question / statement I receive quite often. I simply explained that once all of this is over, I don't want to be lost and try and figure out who I am. Though, who we are changes daily.

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