Sunday, December 23, 2012

Feelings... nothing more than feelings....

Shock: the day we found out that our 16 year old has Ewings Sarcoma and our life as we knew it would never be the same!

Anger: realizing the new journey our son would be going through and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it.  Realizing the surgeon cut open our son without further tests that would have determined it was cancer so we could be at St Judes Hospital.

Fear: Is our son really going to be cancer free, able to have a normal healthy life after a year of treatments? Able to father children, will he go through this again as have some of our new friends, will he be strong enough emotionally to cope should that happen.

Relief   We know what must be done, The odds are in our favor, That we are better off in our hometown where he would still receive the same treatment, care and would be surrounded by his friends and family instead of in a location where we knew no one. That we are all going to make it through this better people.

Love: The outpouring of Love from all our friends and family members was and is overwhelming to say the least. The incredible Love I feel for others, now more on a spiritual level.

Coping:  Learning to cope with the new schedule, the emotions, changes in lifestyle, changes in how we can and can't be there for everyone as we were able to do in the past, learning how to be a couple in the midst of everything, Coping with being parents and staying firm in spite of the new life.

Exhaustion: From lack of sleep, worry, fear, anger, crying, trip to treatments, stays in hospital, being emotionally supportive 100% of the time

Frustration:  Not always having the answers for a child with questions, not always being able to say yes, not being able to be with my best friend and Mom as often as I would like to, having to deal with stupid comments from ignorant people, having everyone tell us what we should and shouldn't do.

Energy:   Receiving and giving of energy. The love from everyone gives us renewed energy, the hugs, phone calls, uplifting emails and Face Book messages are all re-energizing!

Strength:  The new strength we are discovering each day in how to survive, be alive and learn to live with each new change. Learning to ignore the negative energy and let it go.

Loss:  The loss of life as we knew it, the loss of our sons innocence, the loss of friends who didn't know how to cope with our new journey,  the loss of time we can never regain.

Gain: The new respect for life, new friends and amazing connections with people from around the globe, stronger relationships with new purpose and new meaning, better outlook on life, new respect for our son, my husband and even myself.

Joy: When we found out the cancer was all removed! When we were told the radiation was completed!  In the moments we share laughing, teasing and even crying. Watching a movie and enjoying the simple things. Dancing in the kitchen as our son stares at us as if we are aliens. Sitting by the campfire telling jokes and sharing stories.

Gratefulness:  For the outpouring of Love and Kindness. For a team of Doctors and Nurses that treat Zack as if he were their only concern, For the generous gifts we have received, For two amazing bosses that allow me to take time off when needed and continue to pay me, amazing friends that tolerate my mood swings, emotions and anger and still tell me they love me.

Compassion  Feeling more compassion for others, learning to put myself in "their" place and understanding that someone will always have it better and someone will always have it worse, but we all go through the cycle.

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