Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"Mom, it's just me. the bumble bee and Meme"

Yesterday started out as a normal day. I went to work, opened the office, that has become such a routine I don't even pay attention to the steps. I start out at one end of the building and end at the other. I could do it in my sleep and not miss a step. I am anxious, it's raining and Zack is driving his truck (the bumble bee) to Asheville for labs and then to Hendersonville to take Mom grocery shopping. Maybe I'm anxious because of the weather, maybe I just want to keep Zack in my small world and protect him every minute of every day. I know I have to trust him, that he will drive safely, that he knows what to do. He has already proven himself wise beyond his years and yet I can't forget he is still young and going through so much. 

The office is open, again I go through the motions. Checking patients in, greeting them with the usual smile, answering how Zack is with "he's great, just got out of the hospital and done with radiation." It has almost become a "script". At 8 am, just in time for the Cancer Center to open, I call and schedule a time for Zack to go in for his Neulasta shot and lab results. They set it up for 1:00 pm as their morning is full. I call Zack and let him know what time to go, he is already up and ready to go and pick up his Meme. He and she are both excited about spending time together. Their bond is so special, there are no words to express. Knowing he is set for the day, I get back to work. My head feels like I have two bowling balls resting behind my eyes. When we close for reports I ask Doc Nancy if she would mind adjusting me. We go to the back of the office and as I sit on one of the tables I open the flood gates. I just sit there with both Docs (and Bff's) and cry non stop. I am tired, I don't feel well, my weight has reached its highest ever and I feel every ounce. Physically I am exhausted, mentally and emotionally. They sit and listen and offer all their love and support. Somehow, just pouring out my heart and soul allows me to clear my mind. Both do their magic and within twenty minutes or so I feel so much better. Nancy and I come up with an "easy" plan for me to loose and get healthier. If I can just lay off the sodas and sugar I am going to start to feel better. Instead of overwhelming myself even more, just cut out a couple of things and see how that helps. 

The weather is off and on rain, but Nancy calms me even more by reminding me of just how special Zack really is. "He is so responsible, makes the right choices and has grown so much in the past few months." "How special for him and Meme to have one of one time together." Once I start to visualize their day together, I am calmer and feeling, actually a bit silly. Not about being overwhelmed, but about my fears. I am able to really focus for the next shift. Both Docs offered for me to take some time off, but this is my sanctuary, positive energy is all around and I don't want to miss a minute of it. I jump back into work and feel clearer. Zack lets me know he arrived at Mom's safe. Before I know it, I'm at lunch and already making the right choices as to eating healthier. THIS I can control!! I may not have control over anything else in my life, but THIS I GOT!!!  I realize when I order that the server is ready to bring my usual soda until I tell her tea and once finished with lunch she offers dessert, No thank you!! Off of sweets!! How empowering it felt. 

I head back to the office and receive a call from the Cancer Center. Zacks labs are back and he is in good shape until Thursday, when they are sure he will need a transfusion. He has surprised them in the past though, so we will just wait and see. It is so wonderful that he doesn't have radiation anymore. Him not having to run out the door first thing in the morning and head to Asheville every day is HUGE!!! Zack returns home after meeting his friends in Asheville for lunch and starts on his new English project. On my way home from work I call Mom and ask how their day went. She couldn't stop bragging about how well he did. From his driving, to his manners, to how well he is handling everything. A proud Meme indeed!! Since we don't have to go to the Center tomorrow I tell Mom that I have decided to stay home and rest. Though this means we can't see each other until our Christmas party on Saturday, she is glad I am showing signs of taking care of myself. Of course, knowing my mother the way I do, she will believe it when she sees it. 

It is Tuesday morning. Frank heads out to work and the house is so quiet. Zack is still sleeping, of course I can't sleep past 7 am, but I lay in bed watching a couple of shows. I'm not anxious about having to jump up and do anything, which for me is quite unusual. Around 11 am Zack wakes to me reminding him to give himself his morning shot. We hope that Thursday they will cut his shots down to once a day. He has been giving these to himself twice a day for over three months and the Docs said he would be cut down after that. It is becoming harder for him to administer the shots, but he still won't ask for our help. he insists on doing everything himself.

The day was spent resting, while watching TV. A couple of small loads of laundry, fill and empty the dishwasher and just a little bit of bookkeeping. For the most part I rested. I didn't even pull out the vacuum!! Zack worked on his schoolwork all day with about an hours break for lunch.  Later in the afternoon he and Drake went to the post office for me and picked up a part for a neighbors truck he is helping repair. 

Frank returns from work and we all have a nice dinner.  Zack is feeling well, but says he can tell he is going to need a transfusion on Thursday at least his legs are healing from the burns as a result of the radiation.  Tomorrow Frank takes him to get his permanent drivers license. Zack is so excited, he tells us "now I don't have to be back at 9 pm because of restrictions, I just have to be back at 9 because of my curfew." I must say, at least he understands the rules!

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