Who's reflection is in the mirror?

Should our moods be a reflection of others? If someone we love is having a bad day, do we in turn need to honor their feelings by also being in a bad mood? How far should our empathy go. These are questions that are difficult even under normal circumstances, but when you have a husband who has been sick for days and a son who is "done" with everything he is going through, is it fair to feel good about your day? Is it fair to run around and be happy and enjoy a beautiful day when they are not in a position to do so? I play cheerleader so often, when "they" don't respond it is so hard to know what the next step is. I must learn to give them space and make sure they know I am here when and if they are in need, that's all I'm sure about.

I woke up yesterday morning refreshed after a very good night's sleep. Frank slept on the couch and at 7:45 am was still sound asleep (very unusual for him). His fever has yet to break and we are discovering from others that have had the same illness that it is viral, so antibiotics will not help. He is constantly aching and has eaten very little. Zack spent the night at Chris F.' s house so I'm sure he had a good time, maybe not so much sleep, they are teenagers after all. I call him around 10 am on my way to Mom's booth to do some more touch ups. He is still half asleep and grumpy. Of course he gets angry when I ask if he's had his morning shot. This is a routine, twice a day. I ask, he says yes with anger and frustration in his voice. He hates the shots, they hurt and though he understands the severity of why he needs them, he is still so over it!

I make it to Moms Booth (where she sells her one of a kind hand made jewelry as well as vintage costume pieces) where they are in the middle of a Holiday Open House. There are cookies, cider, treats all over the place. Everyone is milling around and the booths are full of decorations. It feels good to be out there again, something different and constructive for me to do. I put out signs with 20% off in Moms booth and then "shop" around a little. Once finished I decide it's time to head over to Shawn and Floyd's house. My sister in law is showing her drawings at a show next Saturday and she asked if I could help her with the display.

Shawn's art work, display work in progress

Having done this for years with Mom and Dad,  how could I say no? Another chance to be creative and share my talent. The three of us had a nice lunch together, catching up and set up the display. When everything was set up I decided to head to Hendersonville to see Mom. Zack was still with his friends and Frank still sick, so I really didn't want to be at home hiding out in the bedroom. Mom and I had a nice dinner at Outback , grabbed dinner for Bob (brother) and Frank and once I dropped her back home, I headed to my home, feeling a sense of accomplishment for the day. I helped out where I was needed and had a good time as well. 

When I arrived home, Zack was there early. He was in a very bad mood and didn't want to talk about anything. He simply said he was going to bed. Frank was still on the couch feeling achy and feverish. I tried to get Zack to talk to me, but when he is in this bad of a mood I give him his space and let him know where I am should he decide he is ready to talk. I say good night and am in bed by 8 pm. I realize as I'm typing the blog that I fall asleep with my hands on the laptop. I guess I was more tired than I realized. 

It is Sunday morning and after yet another night on the couch, Frank still wakes up aching and with a low grade fever. He decides to take a hot bath to see if the fever will break with no luck. He tells me that he will go to Urgent care tomorrow if he is not better. He knows that there is probably nothing they can do, but we decide he must do something. Zack is in a better frame of mind, he shares after much prompting, that he is so pissed he has "two days until Hell!" I remind him that we may not go into the hospital. he says "Mom, with my luck I'm sure they'll do what they did last month, put my in for six days instead of five." What can I say? I have to agree with him and he has every right to feel this way. 

Our new routine until Frank is better is to wear surgical masks. It's kind of funny to see us all wearing these in the house, but it is (hopefully) going to keep us all safe. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I can't get sick, Zack certainly can't , so we do everything we can to stay healthy. 

I start the laundry and vacuuming of the house. I sterilize the bathrooms, door knobs, etc..... the routine continues of sterilization in the house. That is the most control I have to keep this at bay. Zack stays in his room and looks up more trucks for sale, his mood is better, though he isn't quite himself. I'm sure he will be thinking about the coming week, until we know on Tuesday what the week has in store for us. Frank is sitting outside on the patio, the weather is beautiful today so he wants to get as much fresh air as possible. After awhile Zack asks to go and hang out with his friends. Frank is frustrated because Zack keeps leaving, he feels he should help around the house and work on his schoolwork. Though I agree with him, I would rather him be out of the house away from any possible threat of catching anything, once I explain that to Frank he is more understanding. I also assure him that Zack will not be going anywhere next week until his schoolwork is current. This has become and unfortunate theme for us these days. 

I run out to the store to get more sterilization products and folders to keep all the medical bills and EOB's (Explanation of Benefits) from the insurance company in order. The bills are coming from so many directions I must have them in some semblance of order. When I return home, I fix some chicken soup for Frank with the hopes that he will be able to eat it all. He does seem to be getting better, but now he is pretty weak. Zack comes in to tell us he is going up to Chris' house for a bonfire (or firepit). We instruct him to be back home by 9 pm which is his driving restriction. I again am staying in the bedroom and finishing up the laundry, playing my games on FB and attempting to finish the blog before I fall asleep at the laptop again.

I am learning more and more that I have little or no control over anything these days. Perhaps I never have had control (even when I fooled myself into thinking I did). I am learning that change is inevitable and I can either fight it or go with it. I'm too tired to fight anything right now except taking care of  my"men". Oh.. and myself  (I will get fussed at if I didn't mention that one!!).  

As I keep up with Face Book friends and acquaintances  I follow a young mother and wife who's husband is battling his fifth time with this horrible disease. First diagnosed at age 13 in the spine, I try not to compare, but the fear is always there. He just finished another surgery where they thought the tumor was benign only to find it was Ewings.. again!! His case is different, but we have a kinship. We know what this feels like, we know the fear, the lack of control, the journey and the renewed strength we must find each and every day. 

Gratitude... is contagious!

Two weeks of radiation down and three more to go! That's how we have to learn to see things. Zack's final radiation treatment of the week went quite smoothly today. We arrived at our usual 9 am appointment and within 15 minutes we were back on the road.. I had plans to spend most of the day with Nancy and Zack was going to hang out with his friends. I had told Zack that it was better if we stay away from home and let Frank continue to rest. 

Zack is excited, he has the rest of the day and evening to hang out with his friends. On the way to treatment I called his "other" Mamma , Melanie and asked if it was possible for him to stay with them tonight. I explained my concern about him staying in the house with Frank still sick. I know I'm probably OVERLY protective, but I need to know that I am doing everything possible to keep him safe. Zack has been doing his share to stay safe as well. As soon as he enters the house he puts on his surgical mask (we bought a pile of them for us and guests when they are needed). He makes sure to wash his hands and uses hand sanitizer. Since I wear turtle necks most of the time, I have a built in mask, of course I'm still cleaning everything in the house and spraying the Lysol. 

Zack has a bounce in his step today. His color looks good and he is a little (too) excited about maybe not going into the hospital next week. I asked him if we were supposed to pack just in case, he looks at me and says "Mom, you know we never know one day from the next what is going to happen, we just have to be prepared." Excuse me??? I thought Frank and I were the ones that taught him that!!, well Scouts gets some credit too. So, it seems my son is taking these "changes" better than his Mamma, whom has never handled change well. 

I decided it would be easier for Zack to get around by just letting him keep my car. We run a few errands  like drop off his loaner cell phone (his replacement arrived within 24 hours!), mail out the broken phone, return some pants that didn't fit him. He is finally ready to drop me off at Target, where Nancy and I agree to meet for lunch and some window shopping. It was bittersweet seeing him drive off (especially in MY car). I have been in protective mode- overkill of late and know that I can't smother him. 

Nancy and I had a great time just being "girls". Taking our time shopping, having a wonderful lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant and then more shopping. I was lucky enough to find a cute affordable new purse (yes my weakness) and a pretty new jacket. As I do every month, I also grabbed some Lindt and Ghirardelli chocolates for the Nurses, Doctors and Social Workers at the Clinic. I love to give them just a little something as a Thank You for taking such good care of Zack. I still can't understand how they can care for children with these horrible diseases day in and day out and still continue to smile. It takes a very special breed and we are so grateful for having found them. I check in with Frank to see how he is feeling, which unfortunately was not much better, he thinks the fever has finally broken but is very sore. I then check on Zack who is having lunch with Chris L. and then plans on going to hang out at Drakes until school is out. It is now around 3 pm and Nancy and I decide to wrap up our day. 

Nancy drops me off at home and I find Frank on the patio reading his book with the ever faithful Sidi by his side. He is starting to feel worse again, with the fever returning and a head and body aches. This seems like the very thing that Nancy had a week ago and it took over 8 days to clear up. Now more than ever I am glad that Zack is away and I again start to clean everything up.

Frank tells me that he is going to sleep on the couch tonight, he just can't stay flat on his back for another day and night, so I run into the bedroom, change all the linens and decide that I can reclaim the bed and possibly, finally get a good night's sleep. I manage to make a couple of jokes teasing Frank and get him to laugh a bit. It's so hard to see him sick, he is usually quite healthy. This simply will have to run its course and I will continue to play musical beds / couches based on his comfort level. Zack checks in and is with Chris F. and his family where he will be spending the night. He is still feeling well and is glad to be able to hang out with his friends. 

As I lay in bed checking my emails, Facebook and start to write the blog, I see a message from one of my new found friends. I "met" Jen on the Sarcoma website and befriended her on FB.  Her husband ( I might have mentioned in previous blogs) was 13 when first diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma in the spine. He just today had surgery (his cancer has returned and successfully been treated four times before). Her post stated that they were surprised to find the tumor was Ewings.. again... Freaking out I called Nancy, we had just spoken of this at lunch, how each case is so different and how Zack, who's cancer was in the soft tissue NOT a major organ or in the blood or bone has very good odds (85% after treatments) of it never returning. Nancy calms me down reminding me of our lunchtime conversation. She also reminds me to watch something funny to change my thinking. She is right! Of course do I take her advise? Nooooot really!! I watch three episodes of "Hoarders". Oh well, ever the HGTV girl. 

As I lay in bed, I read on Face Book the many things that people are grateful for this month.  I am reminded of the things that I am to am grateful for: the many days my son is "allowed" to have as close to a normal life as possible, that my husband and my relationship is better than it has been in many years, that our friends are the best out there and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world and especially blessed to still have my mother in my life who loves and supports us. 

 “Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted–a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

Don't forget the mask!

What a difference a day makes. Zack went with family friend, Matt yesterday morning and they were back in Brevard by 11 am having completed another radiation treatment. Zack was and continues to be in a better mood. Unfortunately I can't say the same for Frank, who came to bed with 101.5 fever, chills and aches. I immediately bolted out of bed, grabbed my pillows and headed to the couch. We have been given instructions that should any of us get sick, we have to stay away from Zack and keep our masks on at all times, everyone wash their hands A LOT and spray disinfectant. Luckily we have a can of Lysol and have been spraying the house ever since.

Frank continued to feel bad through the day, so when Zack returned home I told him he must stay away from Frank and stay in his room.  He did manage to go out to lunch with his friends and had some time to hang out with them. When he returned home He didn't even seem to mind being in his room, at least he feels he is in control. He managed to get some schoolwork done.

My paranoia has set in. I run around the house spraying the air, wiping down door knobs, handles on cabinets, bleaching sinks and countertops. We have to do everything possible to keep Zack safe from whatever it is Frank has. With little sleep the first night on the couch, last night wasn't much better.

The cat wanted in, the cat wanted out, the dog wanted to sleep on the couch with me, then cried at the bedroom door to get to Frank, then the dog wanted back on the couch, then the cat wanted back in the house, then she wanted food, then wanted to go in the bedroom with Frank. All in total, that took about two hours off my beauty sleep.  I woke up around 4 am and was determined to fall back asleep. When I woke up at 6:00 am STIFF NECK!!! I mean could not turn head to the left STIFF. I probably should have just stayed up when I first woke up!

Frank is already up and in the home office preparing to send his employee out for the day. Now I don't know if this is true of all men vs.women but when I wake up, I almost tiptoe so as not to wake anyone else in the house. When Frank wakes up, he wants to make sure EVERYONE including the ants... are awake. Bam Bam Bam (he doesn't pick up the stapler to staple papers together, He beats the stapler to a pulp while it sits on the desk). He goes into the kitchen to make coffee, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG. I hear everything because we have an open concept kitchen / living/ dining room which is my temporary bedroom. OoooooKAY!!! I'M UP!!!! (I said to myself!)

I go into Zack's room, wake him up to remind him he is taking me into work . Granny Linda is bringing him to his radiation and labs today. I told them to take my car so she doesn't have wear on hers. She asks if it's okay to leave him and go see Big John. Of course that works out perfectly for everyone. I head into work and am so thankful because I have two (and I'm not just saying this people!) of the best Chiropractors that are willing and able to work on my neck. I managed to make it through the morning shift of patients and by the time Doc Nancy is there I'm ready for some magic. Let's just say it took a lot of TLC but I was able to finish up the day with a lot less pain, of course as the night progressed the pain increased again but with advice from Docs Steve and Nancy to use ice and then heat I'm sure I will be back good as new tomorrow.

 

I walked over to Mom's booth at lunchtime, it is just a couple of blocks from the office. Mom gave me bags of  new jewelry and Zack and I had picked up Christmas decorations the last time we were out. They are having a Holiday Open house on Saturday (which I'm hoping I can attend for a while) and they asked that all the booths be decorated for the season. I spent about an hour and a half, rearranging, dusting and putting up decorations. It was quite therapeutic and always fun to decorate.

Zack calls me and tells me we don't have to go back to the clinic until Tuesday. He is supposed to go into the hospital for his Chemo treatment next week, but they have already told him , he more than likely will not be going in as his counts have been too low. I remind him that we will more than likely be in the hospital at Thanksgiving and is he prepared for that. He says "we don't do anything anyway, so yea I'm okay with that, are you?" I tell him as long as he is okay, so am I. He is kind of looking forward to maybe not going in next week. He still has to go for radiation tomorrow and Monday, but tomorrow will be a short day for him. My plan is to take him and once finished meet Nancy for a couple of hours of girl time, which is long overdue for us.

As I am finishing up the day, Zack calls and asks if he can go to a bonfire with the FFA from school. No one is sick and he can visit with some of his friends for a couple of hours.  How can I say no? If he were at home he would have to stay in his room because Frank still has a fever. So I tell him to pick me up at work at 8 pm and that will give him plenty of time to see his friends and I can get the weeks work wrapped up.

We arrive at home and Frank is once again "kicked" into the bedroom and I start the sterilization of the house. He has decided to go to the doctor tomorrow to see what is going on. I'm sure it is nothing serious, but he doesn't like being sick and is worried he is not getting better. I make up my bed on the couch, plug in the  heating pad and Zack comes into the living to watch Big Bang Theory and catch up on the days events.

The long and short of it!

What a way to start the day! Zack comes out of his room angry. He starts hitting himself, the bed, pretty much anything he can hit his into. He had to start drinking a lot of water last night, (to ensure hydration for todays treatment).  He fell asleep around 10 pm and when he woke up this morning his phone was lying in a puddle of water (where the glass of ice had melted and left water on his nightstand.) It turned on but he couldn't do half of the programs that are loaded on it. He was SO angry and somehow I know it's more than just the phone. He wakes up and right now all he has to look forward to is... well..... if I can't answer that, I'm not sure he can. I assure him that we have insurance and will get a replacement phone today so that he can still communicate with his friends. 

Okay, we already know that "wishing" for a short day doesn't make it so. Zack and I arrive in time for his 9 AM radiation treatment. Fifteen minutes later they are done and we go upstairs in the center to see if they can fit him in early for his chemotherapy (our original appointment was for 11 am). Within 30 minutes, the port is accessed and we are told his counts are too low, so he needs a blood transfusion.  They explained that his count needs to be at least a 10 when undergoing both chemo and radiation. A higher count than when just on chemo because the radiation also kills more cells (both good and bad). Usually if it is around 8 and he is just having chemo, they can wait a couple of days for the transfusion, however, undergoing both treatments they can't wait as he will become too weak. Melanie tells us to go ahead and get his phone exchanged as it will take about two hours for the blood to arrive.

We drive about 10 miles up the road from the center and file an insurance claim with US Cellular (in my opinion THE BEST!!! cell phone company out there....) A new phone is on its way and will be here by Friday. In the meantime they have given him a loaner phone so he will still be in touch with his friends. We stop and grab lunch to take back to the center and arrive with 30 minutes to spare until the blood arrives. 

Zack's frame of mind is our main concern today. There are days when it is school work, friends, boredom and maybe even what his next vehicle should be. But when It comes to his state of mind that's when I call in the big guns! Once we returned it didn't take long before he was asleep while receiving the transfusion. At one point he woke up when the machine was beeping and I thought he was going to throw it through the window in the door. He became so angry, just like this morning with his phone. I had to be firm, but yet try and calm him down. I jumped up and turned off the sound, he looked at me and fell back into a deep sleep. I went out to get the nurse and ran into Dr. Bottom. I explained to her about his anger and frustration. The consensus was that "he is soo over it!" She, the nurses and the caseworker all are in agreement. They explained that most of us think it must be so difficult for young babies and toddlers to have to go through all of this, but their experience has been that it is much harder for teenagers, they already have their life set up, friends, proms, school, etc.... When their lives are disrupted, they don't adjust as easily. They also have a better understanding of what is going on and the risks. I'm not sure I agree 100%, after seeing a two month old little girl getting a transfusion and screaming at the top of her lungs. I think this pretty much sucks, no matter what age you are.

They had offered to have Buddy, (a minister) come in and talk with him. They said all the teenagers love to talk with him. I told them that there really wasn't a connection with Zack, when they had met previously a couple of times. He is a very nice man, but Zack never really talked with him that much. It turned out that he wasn't even working today, so they called Miriam in (one of the social workers) to talk or just listen. The staff suggested that I leave them alone in case he would open up more (they don't really know that Zack pretty much tells it like it is to us all and doesn't hold back ) but I obliged and went into the front room to give them some space.  Little did I know, that was exactly what I needed. The minute I was in the room alone, I sobbed and released a whole days worth of tension. My old fears came back. What if I'm not doing enough for him. What if I am screwing up his life by making him have these treatments. I KNOW what "they" tell us, on an intellectual level.I know the facts and the odds and there is no way I could or would risk him not having the treatment, but on an emotional level, if I were Zack, I would hate me! Nancy calls me  ( as if she knew), but I'm in such a state that nothing anyone says can comfort me. Bottom line... I'm okay when Zack's okay. Isn't that a normal response for any parent?

I go back into the room and Miriam told me that Zack mentioned he "might" be interested in a special counselor who works with teens in treatment. Of course, we have offered this to Zack before, but if they know someone who deals especially with this issue, we are 100% in favor. Zack is still down, but the closer we get to the time to leave, the more alert he becomes.

We finish up with the transfusion and then at 5:30 pm he is given the chemo (Vincristine, which is usually just a push into his port). We were out the door by 6:00 pm. As we get ready to head over to see our dear friend Amy, (Drake's Dad, Bill, is her sweetie) who had surgery today. We are given permission for Zack to go into the hospital as long as he wears a mask, but the Doctor also very firmly tells Zack to make sure he is taking his Lovenox, "with your numbers so low and the radiation, we don't want you to have a coronary embolism." OKAY, let's not scare the shit out of mother and son please!! We know every risk, but geez freak a woman and boy out!! Zack is still giving himself shots in the stomach twice a day to avoid blood clots.  He still HATES this with great passion! He is now going on three months of the shots.

We see Amy, Bill and meet Amy's mother . We visit for a short while and for the first time today, I see Zack smile and actually laugh. Amy and Bill are his second "parents", and they can bring out the best in him as well. We excuse ourselves as we are exhausted and hungry. We decided to stop, grab dinner and eat in the car on the way, after being gone nearly 12 hours we are anxious to get home. We are greeted by Sidi, Anubus and of course Frank who had just arrived from hanging out with his fishing buddy Matt. He is the friend that will taking Zack for his radiation tomorrow. Granny Linda is going to bring Zack on Thursday, when he needs radiation and then labs. She can drop him off,  go and see John (father in law) at the nursing home and when Zack is ready, come back to pick him up.

The only thing we can do as we end this day is hope tomorrow is better. Hope that Zack's day will be easier and his spirits are up. 

Who you calling OCD?

The past couple of days have been filled with house cleaning, leaf blowing, laundry and school work and on Monday work.  Zack finally received his report card with all A's. He is wondering why he got all top grades when he is behind in turning in all his work. I explain that the grades are based on what he has turned in to date. I know the teachers are cutting him some slack and not setting deadlines. He still has to complete everything by Christmas vacation when this semester is finished. He will then be a graduate, but will wait to cross the stage with his friends in May/June. He just finished his Senior Paper, which is a requirement in our school system. There is usually a project attached to the paper, but since his car caught on fire and his project was to paint it,  he was exempt. 

Zack's mood has been pretty good. He gets tired faster than in previous days. This is something we were told to keep an eye on, "normal' after radiation, is what they tell us. I checked out the area on the back of his leg and it looks pretty good. No signs of blistering, though we have been advised that it could take up to ten days after treatment to show up. This morning he went with Drake, who had asked his Dad if he could take the day off from school to take him to his treatment. They arrived and were already back in town by 11 AM. A short day, which Zack loves! We aren't sure what tomorrow is going to bring, He and I will go for radiation first at 9am and then at 11am we are to be upstairs at the center for chemotherapy. His color is off a bit, so we're hoping they don't have to give him another blood transfusion. He isn't thrilled when he has to have them, mostly because it can take up to two to three hours just for the blood to arrive and then another two for the transfusion. 

Even though he goes for radiation daily, we already have friends lined up for this week to bring  him when we are not able. Everyone is so eager to help and we're not surprised. We have always known how amazing our friends and family are. A day doesn't go by that we are not grateful for so much good that is coming to us.

I made it to my counseling / acupuncture appointment today. After having to cancel twice previously, it was nice to be able to share, though I really didn't feel the "need" today as things have been running pretty smoothly. As I'm talking with Jim and telling him how everything is under control, he looks at me and before I knew what hit me, I realize that my OCD was back... with a vengeance. As I'm telling him what I have been doing lately, he asks what have you changed about your schedule? My response? "Nothing". Okay, so I haven't taken the time to really think about that statement until today. I realize keeping busy means not to have to REALLY think about our situation, something I do very well. Even Zack says to me "Mom, I had my shot, I did my schoolwork, I did the trash and dishes, can you please throw MY list away! OCD Much?"  So, my homework for the next month is to rest when tired, not jump up and create something else to do. Maybe even let some things go undone and take the time to breathe and just "be". Yea.... I'll let you know how THAT goes!

Plans..............what plans?

We had an interesting start to the day. I had a day full of plans and lets just say, it works out better when you can open a window and throw out the plans. You'll end up having a lot more fun! Since we weren't able to have the Galaxie (Zack's car that burned) towed last weekend, we decided to give it another chance today. It worked out perfectly. The tow company came out to the house, picked up the car and had us follow him to Dana. (a small suburb of Hendersonville, just 45 minutes away). 

Zack was sad to see it being pulled up on the tow truck. As usual, I filmed and took still shots. Zack teased me and said "only you would want to record the worst day of my life!" I ask if this is really the worse day? He said "no, not really, but I loved that car." As we follow behind the truck I put my phone on video to record the car being towed, ( I know, I'm weird that way). The funniest part of all of this was a song that came on the radio at the time of the recording. Zack loves Country music and the song was something like, "I can't leave my love alone, can't be without her...." Zack and I burst out laughing, he looks at me and says "I told you my life was a Country song!" Thank God he has a good sense of humor and is in such good spirits. If he was not in a good space, I wouldn't have even towed it today.  We arrived at the scrapyard, they weighed the car and Zack then followed the truck to take off the new tires that we had just purchased. His plan is to resell them on the internet. He can then take that money and put it towards his next vehicle. 

  

We head out, Zack says goodby to his first love and we decide to grab lunch. He is very thirst today, this is not uncommon from the treatments. He gets very hot too and starts to perspire easily, another side effect he hates. As we are eating lunch I see his mood change, he all of a sudden is tired and doesn't want to eat. He tells me that he feels okay, but all of a sudden can't eat, (also not uncommon). While having lunch I receive a call from my younger sister in law, Jamie, and since we are only a few miles down the road from her house, we go ahead and stop by her house to say hi. Zack stands in the entrance to the living room, and once again we are all reminded of just how tall this guy really is. As always, I have to snap a picture and he obliges with yet another funny expression on his face. 

After about an hour, we headed over to Mom's house to bring Bob some sinus medicine and Moms long lost coat that was left in Jamies car months ago. Since Frank and his fishing buddy, Matt, went to see the fly fishing expo at the agricultural center, we decided to hang out and visit with Mom and Bob for a while. We had a great visit. This was the second time this week that we had a chance to see them. Zack was very talkative and lively. He started to feel better again, also not uncommon. We have certainly learned to go with the ups and downs, Zack most of all has learned to cope and deal with every situation as it comes. His friends have texted him all day and want him to come over for a bonfire tonight. He asks if he can go as long as he works on his schoolwork all day tomorrow, so we strike a deal. The rest of the today off for a full day tomorrow. Frank and I relax and catch up on the days events.

When we arrive home, Frank calls, is finished with the expo and heading home. Zack and I clean up the area where the car had been and I pull out the leaf blower (one of my favorite toys) to finish with clean up. Zack heads out to his friends house while I finish up. Frank arrives home and grabs the rake to help pull leaves out of small corners. We wrap up in a few minutes and head into the house for dinner and a night of relaxation. 

As I said, the plans that I had for the day didn't necessarily pan out, but a better day was had by us all. 

"Mom, will my eyes stay this way?"

Yes, this photo describes our day perfectly! Zack and I headed out for radiation first thing this morning and were finished by 10:30 am. I headed across the street to the Hospital to see a friend who is now okay and back home. We then head to Hendersonville to see Mom and pick up her jewelry for her booth on Main Street here in Brevard (Eclectic Cottage on Main Street).

Momo went with us for lunch at Denny's (where the the goofy photo was taken). Zack has been tired, but other than that he was feeling well. He hasn't had a blood transfusion in a couple of weeks (the week off, really helped his body heal) and is still going strong. We were both glad to be able to spend some time with Mom and see Uncle Bob. 

Once we were finished with lunch we went to a couple of stores to try and find a pair of overalls that would actually fit Zack. We finally were able to find a pair and THIS is where THIS photo opportunity came from. Zack was trying on cowboy hats, yes, he now wants one. I decided to show him how I looked in one and he said "AH....... NO!".  Hey we were having fun, so why not share the good times too! Our shopping was trip was short as Zack was getting tired fast. They did say the radiation treatments could do that, so we were not surprised. As Mom and Zack sit in the car, I run into the local salvage store to see if they carry kitchen doors. I have decided that I could replace the doors instead of the entire kitchen, (something that we are not in a position to do for quite awhile).  Both Zack and Mom tease me about NOT buying floor tile, NOT buying sinks, or anything else.. I tell them I have left my purse in the car and we all get a good laugh! I return about ten minutes later with excitement, they do carry the doors and at $5.00 a piece affordable for sure. Of course that is going to be a project for a little later, maybe a good winter project. 

Once we go back to Mom's house, Zack lays down and takes a short nap. Wanting to get a little exercise, I vacuum up some of the leaves in Moms yard. She bought this new gadget last year at my request. It is so much fun, it mulches the leaves as they are vacuumed up into the bag. I know, it doesn't take much to thrill me. After about an hour, Zack and I head home, order a pizza and Frank joins us for a movie on TV.

All said, it was a very nice, calm day. The weather was beautiful, company great and seeing my "boy" smile and be silly made my day! 

Students and Teachers Unite!!!

How quickly we adapt! Yesterday, Frank and I are up early to go to our respective jobs. Zack wakes up, a little grumpy because he is nauseous. Week one of the new month of chemo is always the worst, this is the strongest treatment in the shortest amount of time. He is heading out with his friend Chris to go for his Neulasta shot and third day of radiation. He is less stressed now because he already is in a new routine and understands the procedures.

He calls me once everything is done and they are on their way back by 1pm. He needs to stop at Walmart to return a pair of overalls that didn't quite fit and then knows that he is to be home doing his school work. Chris assures me as well, that they will get back asap and Zack will get started on his work.

Once I return home from work, he tells me that his friends wanted him to come up and see them, but he told them that until he is caught up with all his school work he can't go anywhere. He knows his "grounding" is finished but wants to get his work done. (Whew.. Thank the Lord!!!)

It is Thursday and Zack is scheduled for the radiation only. (GEEZ... ONLY... SHE SAYS!!). He has decided to go alone, it is a 45 minute drive one way and the treatment shouldn't take more than 15 minutes. He says "I'll be back before you know it Mom!" I am anxious. So much has hit this kid in such a short time. He just got his drivers license in June and already he is driving so much!! He is a cautious driver, he doesn't like to take the interstate there, he stays on 25 which is a two lane road and quieter. As agreed he texts me when he arrives for his 9 am appointment. Then around 11 he calls and says that he is almost back in town and would love to go have lunch with some friends at the High School. His counts are good, so I tell him to go to the front office and make sure it's okay with them (if any sickness  is going around they know to tell him). They all eat outside on the lawn, so as not to be in an enclosed room with a large crowd. All of his friends are very conscientious with regards to his health and keeping him safe. He had a nice lunch and a couple of kids told him about fundraisers they are doing for him, but "your mother is going to get the money for you!" He tells them that's totally cool and how much he appreciates everything! After lunch he was able to see most of his teachers, get some more work from one of them and was on his way home.

He calls me from home and tells me he is going to sleep a bit. He is all of a sudden tired again. He tells me that they were ready for him at the radiology department, but he had to wait to meet with the radiologist  (a new routine on Thursdays) so he sat for 45 minutes just to shake hands and tell the Doctor that he is doing okay. He did notice though, on the way home from Asheville, he had to stop a couple of times to rest. He didn't want to fall asleep while driving ( THANK GOD!) so he stopped. He tells me that he doesn't think he can do this alone as he had previously hoped. "I'm glad you are honest with us, that is all we needed to hear, we got you covered!" and with that as my heart sank for him, I told him to go and rest. 

We had all agreed in the very beginning that we had to be 100%  honest about everything! If Zack felt I was "smothering" him, too over protective, if he was hurting, sad, mad whatever is going on, we need to know. He showed us today that we can trust him. He did say however, that he didn't want me to take him all the time, "Mom, there just so many hours in a day a kid wants to spend with his Mother!!"  I teased right back and said "You think I want to spend time with a 17 year old, girl staring, truck talking redneck?"  We all had a good laugh. As it turns out, one of Franks clients works out of his home and has asked if he could help bring Zack to any of his treatments, just to let him know. Zack worked with Frank on a water feature at his house a couple of years ago and he was very impressed with Zack. He has five kids of his own and can't imagine going through this with any of them. We of course, have family and other friends offer to help  as well.

One of the teachers, who had escorted the High School Art Guild students to Washington DC last year, came by the office.  She has a large white square in her hands and says "are you ready?".. as she opens the squares start to drop, one by one, as I read Z A C K We miss you!! I see all the signatures and notes that are written all over each square, until there is no more room to write.  She tells me that she, other teachers and students put this together and had everyone sign their wishes for Zack. They wanted him to know that even though he is not in school, they are thinking about him all the time and how much they all miss him. (Especially the girls!!! she said) She was telling me how Zack made her feel safe when in DC, "we were walking around and I felt so protected next to Zack, I knew no one would mess with us, and they didn't." I had a hard time not crying and she said "oh wait until you read some of the notes." She was right, I had to grab a kleenex on more than one occasion before the "card" made it home. I thanked her and told her how hard this past weekend had been for him. He loves people and misses being in school and hanging out with his friends. He knows that people are thinking about him, but at times feels very alone. She said "well maybe now he will realize how much he is loved and missed." I had to agree, how could he not! 

Toward the end of the day, I'm closing down the office when the phone rings. It is Zack, "are you coming home for dinner? I'm cooking!" "well if you're cooking I better get home then!" He laughs and tells me "Dad told me I was in charge of dinner, so.... it will be ready soon." 

I bring home the "card", dinner is ready and he is in his room. I show Frank  and he is amazed at all the work and love that went into creating it. I call Zack's name as I stand in the hall just outside his room. He opens the door "YEEEESSSSS?" "HOLY SHIT!!" (sorry that's what he said, he is his mother's child). "What the....." He looks at it and his eyes light up. He is so excited! He asks where it came from and can't believe all the signatures around his name and the note. He takes it from my hands and I remind him "anytime you feel that you are alone and no one is thinking about you, look at this and be reminded that you are loved and missed and people, lots of people are out there thinking about you and your journey" He hangs it up in his room and a few moments later comes out and says "there are a lot of signatures and notes, some from people I don't even know!" He is so excited and couldn't stop hugging me. A Mom couldn't ask for anything more!

 

Follow the green laser........

 This morning was my turn to take Zack for both treatments. As we are driving the closer we get to Asheville snow starts to fall, but so light it looks like rain. We first go into the Cancer Center for them to access his port and start him on IV fluids along with his anti nausea medicine. Angie is his nurse today, she is always so happy and yet today she is more subdued. Her father who has been battling cancer for a while now is not doing that great. I still don't understand how she can work around this disease all day, every day and go home to help take care of her father. What an angel! She allowed me to take a picture of her while preparing the "red crap", as Zack likes to call it. His chemo treatment.We love all of the staff, each and everyone of them are special in their own way and we are so blessed to have them caring for us all!

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 Once he has the fluids in his system it is time to go down to the lower level for Radiation. This will be my first time seeing what they do and as always, he has allowed me to take pictures (the grump photo to the right was to intimidate!) We are escorted by Angie through the staff elevator downstairs and told to come back up when done. The technicians (four in all) come out to get us and we are taken into "the room". Zack lays on his stomach on the table. I look at the ceiling and there is a beautifully painted image of the sky with tiny little lights designed to look like stars. Zack teases that because he doesn't lay on his back he doesn't get to enjoy the view. 

 

The drawings on his legs all makes sense now. The green laser light lines up to the exact pattern marked on his leg and thigh. The techs move the machine around, up and down until it is perfectly matched to the markings. Zack shows me the mold they made which is designed specifically for him. One leg fits in at an angle with the knee pointing out, the other with the leg a little twisted. The technicians explain how it all works and where the actual laser is that shoots the radiation rays at his leg. 

When they were ready to do the treatment, Matt, one of the techs walked out to the waiting area, just outside the room. He was asking how we discovered the tumor, how we are handling everything. He is a young man about 30 years old, married and teasing about his wife wearing the pants in the family. I explained about our initial treatment from the surgeon that removed the tumor, having no insurance and now Inclusive Care and my blog. A few minutes into our conversation a man walks in and sits down. He is in his 40's and volunteers that this Friday will be his last radiation treatment. He has had 30 and his story was, as he stated a mixed blessing. He was involved in a serious accident where he was knocked unconscious and in a coma for about three weeks. When he woke up he didn't remember anything that had happened in the accident, but discovered the doctors discovered a malignant brain tumor. They removed the tumor without incident  and he has been going through chemo and radiation. His prognosis is very good ("depending on which doctor  you listen to"). He explained that the biggest changes are that he talks a lot more now, and his moods fluctuate, "like a roller coaster." I told him that is the exact word I use to describe our situation. One day is up and the other down. He said that there are days when he has a lot of energy and some where he has none left after his radiation treatment. I wished him the best and as he was going in, Zack was coming out.

We went back upstairs for the chemotherapy. Zack was talkative, in a good mood and as the treatment continued his mood went from good to bad. He was abrupt with Angie and the Doctor. He was told that he needed more fluids, he was border line dehydrated and they didn't want him to end up in the hospital. The extra fluids would take another hour and a half. Zack is NOT happy. He continues to be abrupt with me, Karen and Angie. Karen tries to talk with him and explain what is going on and he doesn't even make eye contact. As a parent this is hard to watch. I want to ask him, "where are your manners", but as his caregiver, I understand too well that he is not feeling well at all and just wants to be left alone. I head outside in the hall to apologize to both Angie and Karen, who both tell me that they do not take it personally! They understand what he is feeling and it is totally expected. "Of course he doesn't want to be here, we don't blame it at all!" 

I take a nap while he receives the rest of the fluids. When I wake, he decides that he is hungry and finally lets me go down to the cafe and get him some yogurt and a drink. He is still pretty nauseous but doesn't want any benadryl as it knocks him out. Within thirty minutes we are given our walking papers. He must return tomorrow for the Neulasta shot and radiation each day. Chris and He will go tomorrow so that Frank and I can continue with our work week. How lucky we are that his friends like to go with him. 

We stop at Walmart on the way home and get him some warmer clothing. With the weather turning colder and him on blood thinners he gets and stays cold. We discuss the balance of the week, how it will get easier and he will feel better. He must keep up his spirits, even though it is hard. How he must also be disciplined once finished with his treatment and come home immediately to continue his school work.  Karen told me how she was asking Zack yesterday, if he brought his school work with him, she went on to tell me that she told Zack " I'm sure that I don't need to tell you to do it with your Dad here," Zack looked at her and said "No, that' my Moms job", "Dad tells me to do my chores." She and I were laughing, at least he knows who is in charge of what!

We arrived home around 5:30 pm, ate dinner (he was finally able to eat a meal) and he is now in his room resting, but in much better spirits. Our friends up North seem to be okay in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. Aunt Lee had a tree fall down and nearly hit her back porch. Nancy's Mom is without power, but has her gas stove ready to cook on and the water has stayed out of her house. God Bless everyone that is having to deal with this storm. 

Road map to radiation...

Zack and Frank headed out early for a day of treatments as I headed in for a day at work. We were all anxious as we had no idea what to expect. When they arrived the usual vitals were taken. They tried to get blood from his port, but ended up going into his arm. This has become a problem of late. Though he is on blood thinners, the blood clots easily before it even gets to the tube. They started him on IV fluids in preparation for chemotherapy. Once he was set up, they send him downstairs to begin the radiation treatment. Luckily both treatments are in the Cancer Center, which makes it more convenient. 

Radiology began by re-marking his leg. Zack refers to his leg as a road map. We tease about PA (Pennsylvania)  being near the knee. They had originally marked the area a couple of weeks ago and those markings were still there, however they needed to mark it even more for the beginning of the treatments. He will have a series of five treatments for five weeks, a total of 25 - 28.  They said worse case that he could have some blistering and soreness, if this occurs they have a special cream and bandage to  put on the area. They said that he may have some mild burning (like a sunburn) and to put aloe vera on the area. They don't really anticipate too much of a reaction because it is in a muscular area and not so tender. Zack didn't seem too affected by it today. 

The radiation wasn't painful at all. Zack said that since he had his IV Fluids going the technicians were supposed to call the upstairs nurse when the machine beeped (meaning it was running low). They didn't  know how to silence the machine and forgot to call Emily, his chemo nurse. Zack finally told them how to hit the silence button and advised that they call his nurse as the fluids were done. Once that radiation was complete they went back upstairs to begin chemotherapy. This will be his new routine for the next five weeks. Either in the Center or while in the Hospital. They even said that he will be able to walk over from the Hospital (in fact the radiologist encourages him to walk at least thirty minutes a day to keep the muscles in good shape in his thigh) . They said that he will be able to be unhooked from the IV fluids, walk over, have his treatment and then be back at the hospital within thirty minutes. When he went by way of the ambulance, we're not only dealing with the cost, he was traveling for an hour to go across the street. 

Though it was a long day for them, Zack was able to get about three hours of school work completed during the treatment. They left about 4:45 pm and were back home within an hour. On my way home I call Aunt Lee (second Mom) to see how she is. I found out from Mom that she had another fall and this time broke her wrist, also on the left side. No she's not klutzy  the first time was on the bleachers at a football game, this time not sure, but probably lost her balance with her left leg in a straight brace. I'm worried and hope that someone can get her home care, even if it's just a couple of times a week to cook meals and help clean. Lee sounds great having been through two breaks in as little as three weeks, her attitude is amazing. I come from a long line of tough women. She may not be my "biological" Aunt / Mom, but the women in my life have always been strong and they are my teachers. 

When I arrived at the house, Zack was outside on his ATV with Drake sitting on the ground next to it working on the lights. Frank was inside preparing the balance of dinner  (I had put on beef stew the day before so they just had to fix the sides). I wasn't hungry so I sat on the couch and relaxed with a bowl of cereal. They were sitting at the table and talking, talking and talking... It was so funny. I'm trying to watch my show and they are so loud I can't even hear a thing. I tell them to tone it down and they both say "You're the one that wants us to communicate." They both laugh, as do I. It's so good to see both of them in a good mood. The day went well and we are all relieved.  We now understand the new routine and are ready to deal with the schedule! Some days Zack will be able to drive himself, (when he only has the radiation.)

The anxiety has yet again dissipated, a common practice for us all. We all tend to become accustomed to the changes quicker. Tomorrow, Zack and I go back to the clinic for his second day of both Chemo and Radiation. This will be the first time for me to see this new addition to his cure and meet the people that are now a part of our new journey. 

"Mom, I just want to be a normal kid"

We find ourselves yet again on the rollercoaster. Zack's mood swings have been very strong of late. IF there is anything good that comes out of this weekend, it's that he is communicating more than ever. We find ourselves trying to find new ways for him to open up about his feelings. He doesn't make it that easy. Usually we just need to hang out where he is and he will eventually start talking. Late last night after his friends left, he  was sitting at the fire pit. Seeing this, I went out to join him. Frank had already fallen asleep on the couch and I didn't want Zack to feel alone. I went out there and sat with him. As before he talked about a couple of trucks that he had found. He finally opened up more about how he feels, emotionally and physically. He said it didn't have anything to do with being grounded. He felt so good that he had his friends come and hang out with him and yet, when they talk about school or work, he misses that. He said "no one talks about the cancer or the treatment anymore," which he likes, but at the same time, he wonders if they really can understand what he is going through. He all of a sudden decides it's time for bed, he is tired and doesn't want to talk anymore. He isn't in a bad mood about it, he just doesn't think he knows how to express how he feels.

We wake up this morning around 9:30 am. Unfortunately that is the exact time he has to give himself his shot. THAT is how I must wake him today. I walk into his room, Sidi (the dog) follows me and jumps on his bed (well tries to, it is so high he needs a little help). Zack sees me, sees the time and hides under his pillow. I holler "it's party time!!!" "Just what every mother wants to do, wake you up with a smile and a shot!" He is not amused so I leave the shot, cotton swab and alcohol on his bedside table and tell Sidi "make sure brother has his shot!" I then hear Zack talking to the dog, I'm not sure what he was saying and I probably don't want to know anyway. 

Once we are both up and around, he starts to work on his schoolwork while I sort the laundry and straighten up the house a bit. I settle in on the couch and he comes in and sits down. I remind him that we were going to watch Hamlet together (with Patrick Stewart) for his homework. It is a three hour modern version on Great Masterpieces (PBS). He is not thrilled, but I let him know that I too am watching it so he doesn't feel quite so alone. We didn't find out until later from his friend Chris, that his classmates have been reading the book in class and discussing it with the teacher. She simply told him to watch the movie and write annotations. We get settled in and watched (well I slept for thirty minutes towards the end... I did my best!). the movie on my laptop. With just an hour until the movie was finished, we heard a car door close outside. 

It was the two Chris'. Both very dear friends. Chris F. had texted me earlier asking if Zack could go with him to Connestee Falls to pick up some leftover stuff from his fundraiser yesterday. Unfortunately I had to tell him no, as Zack was still grounded, BUT he could come over after he is done if he likes. He said that sounded great, he was going to see if he could help Zack with his schoolwork, as they have two classes "together". The "other" Chris had been working on the ATV  at his house with Zack and decided to finish it up and surprise him, so he brought it down to our house. 

Once Zack and Chris F. came back in Zack showed the school work he was confused about. It seems that some of the work is the same, but because Zack is home, his curriculum has been altered some. Chris looked tired, he had worked so hard on his Senior project and it was completed yesterday. I couldn't believe he wasn't home resting. After his visit, I call Zack in to finish watching the movie. His mood is a little different. He comes back in the house and slams the back door, he then goes in his room and sits abruptly in his computer chair. I ask him what is wrong, he yells NOTHING!! I snap! I am trying to do the best I can, we all are, but the mood swings at times are so frustrating. He is right, there is nothing we can do! I tell him to get his behind on the couch, he comes and sits next to me. He is sweating profusely and I ask him what he did? I'm not used to seeing this. He gets angry and hits his fist on the arm of the couch. 

He tells me that he walks up the hill and this happens. He is tired all the time and is fed up with everything. He wants to go to school, he tells me "Mom, I know you're not going to believe me, but I really miss going to school." I let him know that of course I understand. I "try" and explain how I remember (right or not) when we lived in Spain and I was homeschooled. I was frustrated because I didn't want my Dad to teach me. He didn't realize that I was homeschooled, or at least didn't remember. He shares that he feels like everyone around him is doing what all normal teenagers do, getting jobs, going to school, going to games, participating in sports and he has to go through all this crap! I told him that no one is to be expected to understand, We don't even understand exactly what he is going through. We see him when he has a treatment and yet we don't understand what it feels like.He continues to tell me that with school, he doesn't understand what he is supposed to do, he has to wait to get an email back from a teacher and he has such a hard time sitting and getting motivated.  I explain that it is so hard to see him upset and yet he has every right to be angry. Crying he leans his head on my shoulder and says "I just get this way every now and then, you know I'm going to be okay." I let him know that because he is grounded, that too could have a negative effect on him this weekend. he says that he really doesn't even want to do anything, go anywhere and sometimes doesn't want to see anyone. He is depressed and I can't blame him. Tomorrow is a new routine, at least for the next five weeks. He has his first radiation treatment along with the chemotherapy, it will be full day for he and Frank. We are all nervous as it is yet another "first". I'm sure once he is done with the day his anxiety level will lower, hell all of our anxiety levels will be better. At least that seems to be our new "normal". 

We finish the day with a nice family dinner and he starts to talk about his school work and what he is going to do tomorrow. He also, of course, mentions a few more trucks he has found online. His grounding will end on Wednesday and frankly I can't wait. We have been questioned a couple of times about grounding him during this time, but as previously stated, he is a young healthy man and when all the treatments are done, he will still need to know right from wrong and that part of parenting must always be a constant (not that we haven't bent the rules of grounding, just a little bit).

As I end my day, I'm reminded that not only is it my best friend, Nancy's birthday today, but my brothers, Walter and William (full term, stillborn twins) whom I never had a chance to meet (or them me) were also born on this day 56 years ago. Going through what we are now, I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a child, let alone three (she lost another just before me). My mother is constantly reminding me of how strong I am and I can't help but know where I get it from. HER!!! I am blessed to have an older sister, Rhonda and a younger brother Bobby and know that things are as the should be, but on this special day I feel blessed to be here and be strong for my son. Thanks Mom for teaching me to be strong, like you!!!

It's a nice day for a street fair!

After such a rough day yesterday, we are yet again in a different "light" today. Zack is still tired and somewhat weak, but not as much as yesterday. He wakes up with a little bit more of a smile. He has seen all the people that posted on facebook and somehow feels more a part of the community. His color is even better today. He rested quite a bit yesterday which is exactly what he needed.

He gets up, eats some breakfast and hangs out in his room checking websites and watching some of his shows. I decided to take it easy today. I can feel emotionally that I have no more to give and the only way to rejuvenate is to rest. Frank came in and asked Zack to go fishing down at the pond behind our house. We can tell Zack is really not up to it, but know that getting out and walking just a little bit will do him some good. He decides to go ahead for a little while and after about an hour or so returns home. Frank later tells me that he followed him home to make sure he was okay, as he said he was pretty weak. He said he took his time walking back and though he saw that he was not able to walk as fast as he usually has in the past, he wasn't out of breath or struggling. 

Zack and I started to watch Hamlet, with Patrick Stewart. A three hour modernized version which he is required to watch and write a paper on. After about thirty minutes he said he would rather read the book, but since that's not what the assignment is, we will resume watching it tomorrow.

Around 2 pm he comes out of his room and announces that today was the Halloween Festival on Main Street. We never even thought about it this year, we have, in the past set up a water feature or at least gone to see the vendors which are less and less each year. Even though Zack is grounded for a couple of days (yes, as tough as it is, we still have to be parents), we decided to take him later in the afternoon when the crowds would be less. We set out around 4 pm and immediately upon arrival see a couple of his good friends from school. Frank and I leave him to hang out with his friends and walk up ahead to check out the vendors. It is just the right crowd. Not so many people that you are close to anyone, so we don't worry about him getting sick, it is also all outside. As we walk up one side and head down the other I see Zack wandering towards us. He has a symbol painted on the left side of his face. He tells us that Parrish, his art teacher for three years painted it for him. That was his main purpose to go, so that he could see his art friends. He has been in the Art classes and Art guild for three years and was going to continue in the guild this year. The summer before last he went to SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design) to see if he wanted to become a professional artist and came out understanding that he loved art, but wanted to become a professional mechanic and keep art as his past time.

As we head back to the car, we stop and see Parrish at the Art Guild booth where they are raising funds by painting faces. He pulls me to the side and says that the guild really wants to do something. Could they do come and visit? How does that work? I tell him that Zack would love to have them visit. He is allowed to be around small groups of people when his counts are good and as long as no one is sick. When they enter the house they must wash their hands and avoid physical contact, just to play it safe. He takes my blog as well as email address and tells me he will be in touch soon. While standing there, Linda (mother in law) comes up to us with her niece who is waiting to get her face painted. Frank had won  a plant from the Master Gardeners when he was able to name it (personally they didn't know who they were dealing with!) and he decided to give it to Linda, who accepted it gladly.

We arrive home, order a pizza and are ready to settle in for the night, when Frank and Zack decide to set up the new fire pit I purchased last week. Zack receives texts from a few of his friends and asks if it's okay for them to come by. Frank says that he is allowed two friends only (part of being grounded). They get a nice fire started and the three of us sit out there and talk about cars, the fire and pretty much anything else that comes to mind. The sky is lit up beautifully with the reddest sunset and I'm actually enjoying just sitting with my two guys. After about an hour his friends arrive, there are four and instead of them going out to eat, they bring it back here so they can hang out with Zack. Frank and I come back in the house to give them some teen time, when I ask Frank  if we can bend the rules and let all four kids stay, this is the first time this weekend that I see Zack happy and having a good time. Frank, of course, agrees. 

At some point during the evening Zack comes in and shows me a text message on his phone. The truck he loved so much has sold. We tell him that there is something better out there and when the time is right he will have more fun shopping as he will then have the money from his other vehicles selling and will be able to be pay cash and own it outright. He does seem to get over it quickly, it helps that his friends are here to distract him. Drake stops by when he sees all the trucks. I think his feelings were hurt as he thinks that he wasn't invited and I tell him that no one was, they asked if they could stop by after getting their meals. I told him Zack was still grounded, but since he has been having a hard time this weekend we decided to let all of the kids stay. He tells me that Zack is not supposed to know, but the school has cancer t -shirts and everyone is selling them as a fundraiser for Zack.  He and one of the other kids told me that they were selling them at last nights game and they are selling like crazy. At times when you feel alone, you are reminded that you are not! Zack at times feels this way, but hopefully, he will realize that he is NOT alone, he never has been!

Senior Appreciation Week!

We have all been so busy taking care of business, the business of saving Zack's life. Life, at least the "normal" parts fall through the cracks. As I go on Facebook I can't help but feel very sad. Today was Senior Appreciation Day! My kid is a Senior and as his friends are all celebrated for their accomplishments in sports, band and academics (as well they should be!).  My son is at home, giving shots in the stomach so as not to have blood clots, having chemo cocktails, radiation, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions and not being able to celebrate being a Senior with his friends. Some may see my sadness as jealousy or bitterness. There isn't a jealous or bitter bone in our bodies! It is so exciting to see all these young men and women grow up and become the amazing people they are becoming. 

We are constantly reminded of how un-normal our lives really are. As adults we must learn to cope and deal with what life throws our way. But as children, life is supposed to be light, fairly easy, with school as their only concern. Today was especially hard for Zack. He is home focusing on his school work, he wants to go to the football game, but knows that his blood level is not good  (he is weak, pale and tired). He makes excuses for why he "doesn't want to" go, as he does so, he tears up. How can I sit there and watch him in pain? I decide to put a post on FaceBook with my own Senior Appreciation "kudos", so that Zack's friends could maybe post something to cheer him up. Let's just say, I think it backfired, feelings were hurt without intending to.I try and do something for my son and it becomes an insult to someone else. I tend to do that quite easily. Without even knowing what the hell I do, I open my mouth and stick my size 11 (42) foot in my mouth! . How can I explain how this pain  feels? I can't! 

All I can do is go to bed, try and forget the day and hope that tomorrow is  better. Hope that Zack will be in a better frame of mind, have more energy and have something to look forward to. Tomorrow is another day and if I have offended anyone today with my bragging, pride or sadness, How can I explain?, I can't!