"Final words from Big John" Papaw

When my father in law passed away, in the safe was a sealed envelope marked "read at my funeral". My sister in law Shawn read it beautifully! As always, Big John had the last word and those who knew him can appreciate the humor in that statement. Zack loved this poem and was impressed that his grandfather wrote it, so I thought I would share.

MY DAY
BY: “BIG JOHN” FISHER

When my day arrives
How happy I'll be
For my Lord's happy face
I know I'll see.

The trumpets will have sounded
My race has been run,
I'll be sitting in heaven
Beside God's only Son.

I want no one to grieve
Or have a sad face,
For I've gone on
To a much better place.

All my family and friends
I want you to know,
I've known for years
Where I'm going to go.

Everyone who knew me
Knows that I loved life,
But I'm free now
Of all trouble and strife.

I've enjoyed this world
For the time I've had here,
But I go to a better one
Without any fear.

The beauty of nature
All things in the wild,
I've loved them all
For a little while.

There's nothing more satisfying
Than to sit on the ground
To hear and see
All the things God put around.

The song of a bird,
The baying of hounds,
I've listened to nature
And heard wonderful sounds.

The world all around us
Is a beautiful place,
The sound of the wind
To the stars out in space.

No one knows
What waits around the bend,
So make that journey
With a "really" true friend.

Acquaintances are many
True friends are few,
Be careful my friends
What you say and do.

Cherish those true friends
They will be there for you,
As you travel through life,
Whatever you do.

My family I love
With all of my heart,
They have all been a blessing
Right from the start.

Don't cry for me
Don't put on a sad face,
For you know that I'm now
In a much better place.

I'm on the porch of a cabin
God built just for me,
Looking out over Heaven
From the shade of a tree.

There's a stream nearby
I can hear the water run,
The angels are singing
We're all having fun.

Your vision of Heaven,
With grapes on the vine,
Might be quite different
Than this vision of mine.

But make no mistake
Whatever you do,
Heaven is there,
Just waiting for you.

Enjoy your life
And make it worthwhile,
Because you'll only be here
For a very short while.

We're all alike,
We're sister and brother,
So be good to your neighbor
And love one another.

Heaven is wonderful
What a beautiful place,
And I know I got here
Through Love and God's Grace.

The "energy" coaster

What a "energy" coaster day! I had everything open at the office by 7:00 am and the patients were streaming in with smiles, New Year's greetings and questions about Zack's health, state of mind and school. I was happy to report that on every avenue, he is doing well this week. It's hard to describe how it feels to be asked repeatedly how he is doing and yet I am so grateful that people care enough to ask and offer their prayers and good wishes. When the answer is positive, I feel the energy bubbling inside and almost with a bounce share the good news. When the news is not so good, by the end of the day my energy is drained and I feel more despair and sadness. It's part of the energy coaster (my new phrase). My high's are very high and my lows can get very low. My "in between" mood is numbness. 

When I checked in with Zack he was tired, but feeling well. That is to be expected after having had a treatment just Tuesday. We are scheduled to have his labs drawn tomorrow to see if a blood transfusion is needed after all of his tests. So at least for today, all reports were good. 

I had some news last night that one of our dear family friends wife passed away (she was around my age) and unfortunately communication not being our strong suit, Frank failed to let me know in time for me to make it to the service. He felt so bad, he has been working on the indoor water feature and just simply forgot to tell me last week when he got the news. ( I found out on FB) I can't get angry, this is our life. We hear something, try and remember to tell the other and by the time we see each other it is out of our minds. When we are together we are discussing the next treatment, tests, finances or the ever important "what's for dinner". We both agreed today to work on better communication with regards to everything!

On my way to lunch I called Mom to tell her of her December booth sales. She was still shaken and asked if I had received her email (I had not). She had choked last night. She was asleep and her throat closed. She has been having problems with her hiatal hernia and evidently stopped breathing while in bed. She made it out into the hall and my brother was able to get her breathing again. How terrifying this must have been. I feel so blessed that he is there to help her out. I'm not sure what I would do if it weren't for him. A dear friend of hers reminded her about raising the head of the bed so that she is sitting up more while sleeping so I'm going to go there Saturday and put blocks (or something) under her bed to help her out.I haven't seen Mom in a couple of weeks now, so we are way overdue for a visit and with next week being the Hospital week, I need to make it over this weekend. 

On the way back from the restaurant, I saw our friends (Sammie and Kelly), who are moving to Tennessee. They told us that they are heading out on Wednesday, so we stood outside on the sidewalk hugging each other goodbye. They were / are so much fun to camp with, I'm not sure if we are even going to make it camping this year... but... that's still some time away. 

Just after lunch I received a call from Mission Hospital. They advised me that we did not qualify for any discount due to our income. I discussed my concern with both my representative at the hospital who is very sweet and the obnoxious lady at the "accounting" department of Mission. (Sue) simply stated that they MUST use this figure and that figure,. but couldn't explain why Transylvania Hospital (which THEY purchased over a year ago and now own) came up with a discounted rate for us based on the SAME figures! Not being at home where the information was and in a panic I called our accountant, but neither of us could come up with the figures originally used. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Thank goodness Jessica was at work and calmly told me," it's all going to be okay, I just know it is!" She said " everything has a way of working itself out and to just let it go. " I then called Frank and told him the news, he too was very calm and said, not to worry, we will see what we need to do. Of course, knowing they did something wrong I told him I would fight it!! If the discount is good for one, it will be good for the other! It wasn't until I came home late tonight (Was playing catch up at work while everything was nice and quiet) that I was able to look through the papers from Transylvania (who approved a discount). They used our taxable income, while Mission was using the gross income. SO... I'm praying that tomorrow when I call, I will get a sweet, helpful, angel that is willing to treat us like humans.

Once I arrived home, I was greeted by Frank and Zack, (of course Sidi and Anubus too). They had fixed spaghetti for dinner, but I was so tired I simply had a bowl of cereal, hugged then goodnight and crawled in bed to blog.

 A couple of Moms friends asked her if I was tired of blogging, as I have skipped a few days here and there. I told Mom, no..... "I'm just tired". Have no fear, blogging is a perfect way for me to communicate with everyone. When I write, I feel as if all of my friends (one's I have met and have yet to meet) and family surround me as I share our experiences. We greatly appreciate the feedback, love, support and prayers from everyone. Anytime anyone wants to comment, they are welcome to do so as well. I Love hearing from everyone!!

Well, time to get some sleep. Tomorrow starts out very early and will be a long day in Clinic, Hospitals and Cancer Center. Be well everyone!!

"My how you've changed, since I've changed"

We made it through Tuesdays chemotherapy treatment quickly. I headed out early in the morning for my first Weight Watchers meeting. It felt so good to get started on a new path to a healthier me. Having spent so much time in doctors offices and hospitals, I don't want to end up in either, due to my weight. Zack and I arrived at the Cancer Center around 11:30 am. His port was accessed and within an hour his lab results were back with his numbers in the perfect range, his chemo treatment was completed within another thirty minutes and we were out the door.

Zacks spirits were good today as were mine. This is the first day in awhile that we were both kidding around and in a lighter mood. Zack was in need of a new belt as his has fallen apart, so we checked out the Country Western store and found the perfect one, which should last a lot longer.We arrived home in record time, giving me time to do some light house cleaning and Zack a chance to continue reading for his English paper. Frank came home to a home cooked meal (much to his surprise) and we sat down to catch up on some of our favorite shows.

My anxiety is much less and I'm feeling my old self again. I realized (finally) that by taking care of myself, I am in a better state of mind to care for others. Of course with this change, both Frank and Zack are livelier and more relaxed. 

Zack wakes up feeling tired today. His stomach is not upset, which was a huge problem last week. We tell him to rest as much possible today and I'm pleased when he tells me he is coming to get an adjustment today. I knew his neck has been hurting and he hasn't been sleeping as well because of it, so this will take care of that. He located a paper he had forgotten to include in his psychology packet, so he took a few extra minutes to drop that off at the school. Because there are several warnings out about different flu strains, we are telling him to be extra careful wherever he goes and not to go in areas where there are a lot of people. He arranged to go to the school when everyone was in class, so the halls were empty. 

I came home to a nice meal (Frank and Zack cooked this time). Zack surprised me with a VERY clean room. Teasing, I asked what he wanted, to which he replied "since you asked.... NOT." He said he is bored since he doesn't have school work. He has been reading the book for his final project, but was tired of his room being a mess and decided to deal with it. We found an old chair and TV at Habitat for Humanity (his TV died) and when I came in he was sitting comfortably in his "new" chair covered by the colorful blanket he received his first month at the hospital (from Project Linus). He tends to get colder now, which is mostly due to the shots to prevent blood clots. He was a bit concerned and asked why he would be so tired today. I reminded him that he just finished a chemo treatment Tuesday and I'm sure that was the cause. I'm glad we are going back to the Cancer Center on Friday, just in case he needs a transfusion. Though it is going to be a full day, with labs, MRI and X-rays and later in the day a CT scan. All must be done before going into the Hospital next week. 

I had purchased the Wii Zumba (dancing) exercise "game" with  a Christmas gift certificate I received as a gift. It arrived today and I was so excited I put it in the Wii system. Let's just say, Frank and Zack had a great time making fun of my "moves" and the music. I was instructed to do the game when they were not eating dinner. Of course, I continued to dance and enjoyed every minute!!! It's so nice that I discovered another way to torture them!! 

Glass is spilling over!

Sunday was the perfect day of rest. I continued my quest to be in a better state of mind. Zack's feeling better helps a lot. With rest and finishing up his schoolwork his mood has vastly improved. Though I managed to complete a couple of loads of laundry and dishes, most of the day was devoted to resting, my mind as well as my body. Frank managed to take half the day off and go fishing with Matt, followed by loading a couple of items of furniture onto the truck for Jeff (who left for Tennessee), Zack worked on his psychology test, which was the last work to be completed for that class. Drake and Kar came to hang out with him for most of the late afternoon. It was so nice to hear laughing and teasing, Zack took a break and played video games with them and occasionally one or all  three of them would come out and watch some TV with me (I'm hooked on the old TV series "Charmed", it's goofy, but that's what I need right now).  I managed to make a half way decent dinner for us all, Drake and Kar joined us as well. I felt that since I have not been quite so present of late, I "owed" a nice dinner to my family, though they never complain. Once dinner was complete the kids went home and we continued to watch a one of our favorite shows, that is until Frank falls asleep.

Monday I awake with a new energy. Sometimes allowing myself to be "self absorbed" benefits everyone. The time I took this weekend allowed me to heal, process and separate the negative from the positive. By realizing that my self esteem is very low, I am now able to work on building myself back up for the betterment of everyone involved. Staying on track with Weight Watchers has really contributed in a positive manner and I'm already feeling better physically. I realized that being quiet and going within, I was finding the answers I have been looking for, they have always been right in front of me, but I have quite often allowed others to guide me in the direction they wanted. I have let go of some of the stubbornness and opened my eyes to new changes. My mother will be the first to tell you that I can be a bull headed (well I am Taurus) and tend to stomp my feet when I don't want to do something, like the little girl having a tantrum because I couldn't have candy in the five and dime. 

I was again excited to go to work, to start the new week with more energy and a new outlook. Zack was still asleep so I wasn't sure how he was feeling. Somehow though, I knew he was better just because of his attitude last night. He must have gotten a good night's sleep as I only heard him get up once. Frank was getting ready to go to work, so I let him finish up his papers as I headed out the door. I made a declaration to the world, "I appreciate your advise, but I am fragile and can not and will not take criticism regarding my sons care."  Somehow by declaring this out loud, I gave myself permission to listen, give thanks and not feel judged. Something, that of late has been very hard  to do. 

The day went smoothly, my energy increased with each hour. My smile which started out false, became genuine. My gratitude increased when I received a phone call in response to an earlier email sent to the Vice Principal and Zack's teachers. Ms. C. called to advise that Zack had stopped by the school to drop off his psychology work and once he turns in his English paper this week, he will indeed be an early graduate! Music to my ears!! She says that she can't believe that he was able to actually finish the four classes and his Senior paper with everything he is going through. She really didn't think he would be physically or mentally able to do it! As I spread the word, others were in total agreement. Mom said that though she didn't agree with my pushing him to do it week after week, she now understood why I did and is so proud of his accomplishment. He will be crossing the stage in the Summer with his friends, but the next six months he will only need to focus on getting better after each treatment and staying healthy.  

I spoke with the nurse that handles all of our claims at the Insurance Company, Melissa has become a distant friend, who advises us, gives us support and genuinely cares about Zack care. She is the one that approves the treatments for the insurance company. She had called to check up on Zack and after we discussed a $13,000 bill from his radiation treatments (which is to be covered by insurance), I told her I had some good "personal news" to share. She sounded so excited when I told her of his early graduation. She said "Sabrina, no one has ANY idea how huge this is, he is on one of the strongest doses of chemotherapy and to be able to handle four courses and a Senior paper through all of this is amazing, he is one very special young man." Of course I have to agree, he has taught us so much about inner strength and determination. 

I finish up at work and Frank calls to tell me he is about to wrap up the inside water feature. He tells me to grab dinner for Zack and I and he will pick something up on the way home. I call Zack who is out with Drake, washing and cleaning out his truck (in the very cold weather). We agree to meet at the Chinese buffet (which is funny because that's where Nancy and I had lunch... hey one can never have too much sushi). As I walk in the servers tease and ask if I'm coming back in for breakfast. I simply look at them as they are looking at Zack (Drake joined us as well) and tell them "whatever my boys want, they get". No other words need to be exchanged, they understand and give a loving smile. 

Drake and Zack (my  boys)

Glass getting fuller.......

This has been a hard week to say the least. It is said that attitude is everything, well mine still is not the best, in fact I'm in hiding. I have found that I'm at a place where even the slightest bit of advise from anyone sets me off. Everyone (I too am guilty of this, quite often in fact, which is something I am working very hard at not doing) has an opinion, an idea on how we can better our life. I tend to share too much (Duh.... I'm writing a blog for the world to see) and then when I'm bombarded I get angry. Not at the people, at the advise, as if I'm not doing something right. I'm stubborn to say the very least, at times I have to stop, take a moment to breathe and then decide if the advise is helpful or not. My problem right now is, I'm overwhelmed and can't breathe!

Day after day, we wake up to the same reality. Just when Zack starts to feel better it's time for another round of chemo, or labs that show he needs blood. This week was four of five days with something.  He was pissed all week long and rightfully so. He is wrapping up his schoolwork this week to turn in by Monday. The computer program won't let him in, (we find out later, he needed to be re-registered in this program by the teacher, who was off on vacation). We see that light at the end of the tunnel with regards to that. He WILL be graduating early! I was talking to Mom today, who said I was tough on him to do his work, but in the long run he has done it, in spite of all the obstacles he has had to face.  

Friday started out with a huge blessing. Frank checked the mail and we received a gift from one of his clients to help towards the medical bills. Money has been slow to come in of late (the norm for Franks business in winter) so when I saw the check, it brought tears to my eyes. I will now be able to pay off one of the smaller bills from his first surgery in June, when we didn't have insurance and we will have gas money for the coming Month.

Zack and I headed out early for his Neulasta shot, his hemoglobin count was "okay" so they ordered one unit of blood, very quickly they determined it was in his best interest to give him two units, since it would be Tuesday before we return. As Zack told Frank earlier this morning, "Dad, they say two hours, it will be four, we all know that!!" Sure enough,  it was 2:30 pm before we were out. They gave him Benedryl again in case he had a reaction to the blood. It does knock him out and helps with the nausea, but leaves him lethargic for the rest of the day. His appetite has been down quite a bit this week as well, though we don't worry about that as much, we know he will bounce back as he always does. Once we returned home he laid on his bed and went to sleep. I had planned on going out with Nancy to a movie Saturday, but it's not looking good. Frank has to work more on the indoor water feature and I won't leave Zack alone when he feels like this.

It is Saturday and my frame of mind is worse. Zack was up most of the night. He was running to the bathroom  "flushing out his system" and very nauseous as well. I had already decided last night to cancel with Nancy today, even if Zack were feeling better, my mood is so bad I don't want to subject anyone to me right now. I will continue to hide out today with the hopes that staying home and being quiet and relaxing will help "bring me back".  I wake up around 8 am, just as Frank is heading out to work. He comes in to tell me Zack is still sleeping, we decide to let him sleep as long as he wants so he can heal. Around 10:30 am I go and check on him and he is starting to wake up. Frank had called and needed me to get a couple of things from the garage and something at Lowes for the water feature, so I tell Zack I'm running out to get these items. He sits up and offers to go and bring the items to Dad. Of course I'm not surprised, like I said, he bounces back, he has age and good health on his side. I am cautious though, I don't want him running around until I know that he is okay. He is still running to the bathroom, so he agrees for us to go together.

I load up the empty boxes from Christmas and the overload of trash that wasn't picked up this week. He gets the items from the garage for Frank and we are on our way. Our first stop is the dump just three miles from our house, then Lowes where he drops me off and I run inside and out in ten minutes (I get in trouble if I stay there too long). We then fill his truck with gas and head to the building where Frank awaits us.

We arrive and Frank shows us the water feature he has been working on for the past month. He has replaced all the stone work and re lined the pond area. He was trying to figure out how to make it quieter, the reception area was to the left and we were teasing at how the receptionist couldn't hear the phone ringing.  Zack had worked on this in the beginning and Frank was sharing his plans on how he was going to quiet it down a bit.

Zack started to feel better as the day progressed. He knew that I wanted to stop at the grocery store on the way home and offered to stop on the way home. He stayed in the truck while I ran up and down the isles grabbing food as fast as I could. We arrive home and after eating lunch I fall fast asleep on the couch.

I wake up two hours later in time for Frank to arrive back from work. Drake and his girlfriend Kar are here visiting Zack for awhile. I am so tired I don't even get up from the couch. Frank is tired and hungry and I don't even have enough energy to get up and fix anything. Frank fixes himself and Zack some burgers, I'm not hungry so I tell him not to bother for me. Zack managed to eat a couple of burgers. I apologize to Frank and tell him I'm working on getting better. I have put the patch on that should be helping in a couple of days, and he totally understands. He has been there with me before. He knows when I am "down" like this, it's better to let me process on my own, it doesn't last long (a couple of days).  He sits down to watch TV and I find us an action movie that both will enjoy. Zack is already back in bed resting, his energy is gone again, though he isn't feeling bad now. The movie was pretty good and gave us some one on one time.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I will have more energy back and my mood is changed. I do feel I'm coming out of it and thank God those close to me know when to give me time.  I am only giving myself until Monday to get over "this". Mom and I had a joke where she would tell me I have three days to get over things. My three days are up!!

Glass half empty.. well today anyway .....

It's so hard to watch your kid come home after a day of chemotherapy, feeling nauseous and still having to drink stuff meant to protect your kidney that smells like rotten berries, soaked in car oil that has been sitting in 100 degree temperature for a year. He holds his nose, tries his best to chug it and then keep it down. This process lasts about thirty minutes from start to finish.

This "procedure" all started out early yesterday morning, with Frank and Zack going to Asheville Cancer Center at 8:30 am. The strong "red" colored chemo was today, this is the one that makes him the sickest. I am usually the one that goes with him for this treatment, so not being there had me feeling anxious all day. I knew he would be just fine without me and even though Frank got everything set up for him and then headed out to work just down the road, I still wish I had been with him. The option was there, but it would have been more for me than him ,as he slept most of the time.

We touched base every few hours, most of the time it was the same. "How do you feel?". "Ugh." was his only response. They never did find out the results of the EKG and Echo, but we all determined that if there was a problem that would have been the first thing they would have shared. They didn't finish until 6 pm. Grabbing dinner on their way home, I finally saw them around 8 pm. I am glad that his appetite hasn't been affected too much.

I have been on a personal roller coaster of emotions ever since the Holidays ended. I took myself off of one of my medicines which didn't help at all, so I called in the prescription and will pick that up tomorrow, but most of it stems from day after day having to watch your kid go through all of this crap. I am angry, sad, tired and fed up. We have nothing to look forward to after the Holidays and they weren't all that great anyway. One day to the next is planning for the next visit to the center or hospital or x-rays or well, if you have read the blogs you pretty much have the idea. Zack came to me last night and said " Mom, If I have one more person tell me that we are half way through,I think I will punch them". He says "it feels like an eternity when you are going through it." "I know people are trying to help or make me feel better, but it really doesn't work, really there is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better!" I try and explain to him that people mean well, but I understand all too well. When you are in the thick of it, it's hard to see or even dare to see a time when it will be done, and then you are still dealing with the fear of "what if it returns?"  Thank goodness for Sidi, who jumps on the bed and pushes Zack out of the way so he can sit next to me. We get a good laugh as Zack, playing with all the with the dog, tells him not to push him around.  Zack decided to go and watch football with Frank and it was so wonderful to hear the two of them laughing and yelling at the TV, unfortunately it didn't last long as he started to feel sick again and went to bed. I started the blog last night and ended up falling asleep with my hands on the keyboards, a common occurrence of late.

It is now Thursday and the second day of chemo. Frank again takes Zack as I'm working and he can again work in Asheville while the treatment is being given. Today they gave him Benedryl to help him sleep a bit and handle the treatment better so communication during the day was a lot less than yesterday. They finished around two and headed straight home. Zack called and said that he was still not feeling well and going to go home and sleep.

I arrive home from work to a pair of grilled hamburgers that Frank had fixed. I throw them on a plate and stick them in the microwave, without any fanfare. Food has become my enemy. I joined Weight Watchers hoping to gain control as I am tired of being 100 lbs over weight, tired of the jokes, of talking and thinking about food all the time. It had become my friend for so many years, now it is my enemy as I hide behind it, thinking it is going to make me feel better. Obviously it has caused the reverse. Once I finished eating dinner, I went to check on Zack again, he was at his desk, still feeling pretty bad. He has to go in the morning for a Neulasta shot and a blood transfusion. They are planning on one unit of blood unless he is feeling worse tomorrow. His numbers were down, but not too low. They do expect them to go lower due to the treatment, so this is also to cover him for the weekend. He had arranged for Drake to go with him tomorrow, but with him feeling this bad I tell him I want to go. Drake is more than welcome to come too, but I insist on being there with him. He doesn't argue, he simply says gives me the thumbs up sign.

I am working very hard at being in a better frame of mind, but it's a challenge. I need to stay strong for Zack, and Frank who is now dealing with his own emotions regarding our sons treatment, his fathers passing, his best friend moving and me in my grumpy state of mind. Last night my mother in law called and "caught" me crying. She is a very strong woman who has survived her own cancer scare, lost her sister and brother to cancer, and then took care of my father in law for the past 10 years (not an easy task to say the least). She has compassion in spades, but knows that tough love is also something I need every now and then. Of course those close to me know too well my "wrath" if they hit me with it at the wrong time. Linda and I discuss several things and when we get ready to hang up she says, in her strong Southern accent, "Now listen woman, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself , get off your ass and get some sleep."   I couldn't have said it better myself . How can I argue with that? Well, today I can, but maybe not tomorrow!

Bring on the New Year!

It is New Year's Eve. I have never been one to put much stock in this particular "Holiday". In my teenage years it was always spent babysitting, while others were out having fun. Then as a young "responsible" adult I always chose to be the designated driver, which means NEVER drink and drive, (I was hit by a drunk driver at age 18 and lucky to have survived) it wasn't that much fun to witness others drunken behavior, so tonight, when our friends approached us to come over for a nice dinner and card games with our kids, I was thrilled! This was also a going away dinner with our friends, who are moving to Tennessee (five hours away) in a few weeks. Jeff, has been Franks best friend and fishing buddy for many years, he doesn't have many close friends and I know he will miss him. His wife Kelly and I had become close during our many family camping trips together. We, of course, have already agreed to meet half way for our summer camping trips.

The days plans were for me to run a few errands and then stay home the balance of the day, I would get rest and Zack would do his schoolwork. It is 11:30 am and Frank calls the house (he is working on the inside water feature). The Cancer Center has been trying to reach me, but my cell phone is on silence. They have scheduled an EKG and Echo cardiogram for Zack today at 1:45 pm, in Asheville. Frank is furious! I'm less than thrilled to say the least. This isn't the first time they have done this, but I assured Frank and Zack, it will be the last! I call the Center and find out exactly why this must happen today and why it was not scheduled last week along with all of the other appointments. The nurse tells me, "before we can proceed with the next round of chemotherapy, he must have his heart checked." Since the port is so close to the heart and the treatments enter through the port, they make sure that his heart is not damaged by all the chemicals. I tell her that we are not happy with this last minute scheduling. "We are trying to live a normal life in between treatments and we already had plans today." After much discussion, we found that we had no recourse, but to go today. Wednesday is Zack's next chemo treatment and they must have the results before then, so we concede. 

Zack calls Drake and tells me they will go together for the tests. He tells me to continue with my days plans of delivering items to SAFE the local battered women's shelter, where I occasionally donate clothes and nick knacks. Having worked in the Hendersonville shelter for years I am a firm believer in their mission  and do what I can to contribute. The director is also my former "boss", though she doesn't like to be called that, so imagine my surprise when I stop there and get a chance to see her. She had just discovered (through my letter to the editor) about Zack and wanted to make sure there was nothing we needed. Though we haven't worked together in years, she is and will always be near and dear to my heart. I run by the office to check the mail, go to the bank and while there get a call from Zack. He can not be seen without an adult being present. Zack tells me they will fax a release for him to be seen, so I run back to the office and await a fax. After waiting a few minutes, I call the Cardiologist and it is then that they tell me that I must be present and the nearest appointment is in 45 minutes.  So, I head over to Asheville, knowing it will take every minute for me to get there. Zack is irritated to say the least so I tell him and Drake to go grab lunch and meet me back there at 3.  We make it there with ten minutes to spare only to be kept waiting for an hour and a half. The technician says everything looks good, but they need to compare it to his previous tests. We have already been told that should there be a problem, we would be instructed to go to the Cancer Center or the Hospital. We head back to Brevard and luckily Frank fixed the food we were to bring to tonight's dinner, since I arrived home just before we were to leave again. 

Frank , Zack and I had a wonderful dinner with our friends and their two kids, learning a new card game (well to me anyway) called hand in foot and cuddling with their new puppies (Chesapeakes). It was so much fun and though we didn't win the card game,  I couldn't think of a more perfect way to wrap up the old year. Zack asked to stay at Drake's and since he has been feeling okay and his eye is getting better, we didn't see any harm. Frank and I arrived at home by eleven and brought in the new year watching the ball drop in New York (another tradition we follow). 

It is New Years Day and Frank's tradition since before we met 30 years ago has been to go fishing. He usually goes with his friends or brother, but they didn't want to get up early and be in the cold so he went solo this time. They say what you do the first day of the new year is what you will be doing the rest of the year. Boy am I in trouble! I woke up and as usual, not being able to sit still started the dishwasher, did the laundry and more bookkeeping for the business. I just can't see how I can sit around when there are things that need to be done. Zack returned home and knowing this is his final week for schoolwork, finished up a paper for English. Frank didn't have much luck at fishing, but spent most of the day trying and came home with a smile on his face. He was relieved when I told him I was not going to do any more work and just chill and watch TV. Zack left to go hang out with Drake for a couple of hours and tomorrow "life" continues with Frank taking Zack for chemotherapy, and me heading back to the office to open up after being closed for the week. I thrive on routine and am glad that the Holidays are over. 

"Making a list and checking it twice"

Friday was to be a day with my brother and Mom. It was to be our Christmas together since he wasn't able to make it to my house. I started out waking with a list in my head, so I determined it was time to get it out of my head and complete it already. Heading out about 9 am, Zack and I got to the office to remove all of the Christmas lights, ornaments, bells and snowflakes that are way above my height. It is so wonderful having a son who is 6' 5" and can reach up to the ceiling, even the gutters without a ladder. Because of the blood transfusion is energy level is good. He is excited today because he and several of his friends are heading to "the farm" a 30 acre track of land with a hunting cabin. The kids all go with their ATV (All terrain vehicle) and ride around on the property. When not riding, they are hunting (well trying to anyway).  This is something that Zack has been looking forward to for a long time. His friends started going up this summer, but he has only been able to make it once due to his treatment schedule. Now, he has the ATV he received as a gift from his Papaw a couple of months ago so that makes it even more fun. 

Within thirty minutes everything is taken down and we are on our way to the bank, post office and then to get my car inspected. (remember the list?) Zack was meeting one of his friends at a local tire store to help move some tires for a little extra cash and they were then headed out together to get ready for the trip. A part of me is anxious. I so want to protect him, every minute of the day, but I know that I need to let him go and trust that he is going to be okay. Hanging on doesn't help anyone. I make him promise that he will not do anything stupid, like stunts or going too fast, wear his helmet and KNOW that accidents can happen on these vehicles and we have been through enough, he doesn't need to add one more thing to HIS list. He tells me "Mom, I'm the one that is conservative on these things, remember when I flipped over Darrick's bike a couple of years ago?, well that scared the hell out of me!" Okay, Okay, I get it! Later in the day he calls me angry, the ATV is leaking fuel, to him this immediately means defeat. To me it means I must be a cheerleader and tell him one more time that stuff happens and he needs to figure out how to solve the problem, not get angry. A little while later, Frank calls and tells me they figured out what the problem was and he was on his way. Whew!!! I can breathe AGAIN!!!! Anxiety level can be toned down just a little more.

 After I  drop Zack off , I head up to Moms booth at Eclectic Cottage on Main. She had given me a box full of jewelry to put out,. When I arrived, her booth was such a mess that I took the extra time to take down the Christmas decorations, clean up and put out the new items. Within an hour I am back on the road and headed to Mom's house. Bob is resting, so Mom and I head out to get groceries and lunch. I had planned on 

spending the day with Bob, but he was not feeling well, so Mom and I spent the day together, something we haven't been able to do in quite awhile. While in the store in Hendersonville a woman approaches me asking if I was Zack's mother. Not really knowing that many people in Hendersonville anymore, I was surprised. She introduces herself as one of Zack's former teachers at Pisgah Forest Elementary. It had been so long I didn't recognize her. She tells me she read about him in the letter to the editor and was getting ready to send a card. She pulls out some money from her pocket and hands the bill to me saying she was going to put it in the card. I stand there in disbelief!! Here is someone we haven't seen in year and yet she is sharing how special Zack is to her and how she has him on her prayer list at Church. (something a lot of people have shared with us). I find Mom and share my experience. She just looks at me and says "Zack has touched many lives". It was so nice to just have a relaxing day with Mom, I'm so blessed that she is still around and every time I can spend with her is another blessing. Before I arrive home, I receive a call from Zack saying they had arrived at the farm safely. For now, at least, I can breathe easier knowing he is safe. 

Saturday, Rhonda and I agree to meet at the office at 10 am. Whenever the office is closed for the week during the Holidays, I take advantage of the time and "clean house" so to speak. I had Rhonda handle the back filing while I packed up the Christmas and loaded it in the car to take to storage. Rhonda and I took a "break" and brought several boxes to the storage area and grabbed a quick lunch. When we returned, she continued with the filing and I with finishing up the cleaning of the office. Zack calls me out of the blue and is having problems with his right eye. He tells me that it feels like someone punched him. He starts to cry and says that he can barely see out of it and the one time he has fun scheduled and now his eye is hurting so bad. It tears me apart hearing him cry and not being able to run and care for him. Though they are a couple of hours away I offer for Dad and I to come down there and see what we can do. He tells me no and he agrees to wash out his eye (he already took out his contacts) and if someone has eye wash, use that. Then I tell him to cover up his eye to force it to rest. He sounded better when we said goodbye, my heart is sad for him.  All we ask is for a couple of days when he doesn't have a problem. Rhonda and I finally wrapped up around 8 pm with a major sense of accomplishment. She called me on her way home and was so excited as it was snowing in Mills River (about 20 minutes away). Our town never did see the snow, but she said it was beautiful at home (Asheville, where we go for treatments). I am home and feeling every muscle in my body so I crawl in bed. Frank tells me that he had spoken to Zack just an hour earlier and his eye is doing better. He told Frank that he had laid down and slept for a couple of hours with his eyes covered and was now feeling better.

Sunday was my day to take down the Christmas decorations at home. Frank, his brother and friend have gone fishing for the day. He is taking advantage of his time off for the Holidays and catching up on his fishing since he had been so sick last month. I love when the house is empty and I have so much to do, I can run around and know that everything will be finished by the time he and Zack return. As usual, I clean out my closet and get a back of donations together, take down all the Christmas decorations and rearrange the living room (my form of entertainment). By late afternoon Frank returns, with sad stories of his failed attempts at fishing. Usually the joke is that the fish jump out of the water because he is in their presence, but today neither he nor the other guys fared well. Zack calls and is back in town. He wants to go and hang out with Drake for a little while. I ask him to first stop by the house so we can say hi and check out his eye. He comes by and we are so excited to see him back safe and sound. He goes up to Frank and picks up his 5' 9" frame while hugging him. He tells us of his riding around, how one of the parents had eye drops and helped take care of his eye (which looks a little red, but not swollen). He was able to hunt a little, but didn't shoot anything. The owners are getting ready to sell the property, but he has been invited down one more time. Zack heads out (the life of a teenager) and goes up to Drake's. He knows that he will have to stay home most of tomorrow and Tuesday to finish up his schoolwork, Wednesday and Thursday are his strong chemotherapy days followed by a shot on Friday. 

I personally am looking forward to the next two days. My list is complete and I will take this time to rest, something that anyone that knows me, knows is very hard for me to do. Knowing that we have a busy week ahead, I will take advantage of this time to rest. 

Saying goodbye to Papaw

Today was a somber day. I awoke at 6:30 am ready to tackle the business bookkeeping. I have been stalling long enough and it's time to get it done. Zack wakes with more energy, a direct result of the double blood transfusion yesterday. He is excited about going to "the farm"-  four wheeling with his friends this weekend and we did everything in our power to ensure that could happen.

 Frank was planning on going fishing this morning with his new gear, but flooding has made that impossible. He takes his time waking up and is pretty quiet most of the morning. A father and son have a different relationship that a father - daughter. I can't even pretend to know what he is feeling with his Dad's passing. I know he was devastated with his Moms. We were scheduled to gather at the small chapel at the local funeral home to say goodbye to"Big John" Fisher. Everyone is to meet at 1:30 with the service at 2 pm.

I finish up the bookkeeping feeling a major sense of accomplishment. Though I am off from work until next Wednesday, being the OCD personality that I am, I have a list and a schedule and nothing is going to stand in my way of finishing everything on my list. Zack has been running around from one parts store to another trying to locate the right part to fix his truck before the weekend. Frank and he made the necessary repairs and then we all start to get ready for the service.

On the way back home from the Cancer Center yesterday, we had purchased a couple of pairs of new pants and dress shirt for Zack. I am so tired of seeing him in those t-shirts with the arms cut out, but that is the only shirt that works when the nurses need to access his port for treatments. I tease and call them the "Port shirts". Zack comes out of his room all dressed up looking rather dapper! (He wouldn't let me take his picture) . He heads out before us so that he isn't in the middle of all the people. Frank and I head out and as we pull into the parking lot, cars are parking all around us and people are walking up the steep hill to the chapel. We walk past the line of quests signing the book, hugging a few as we walk past. My mission right now is to get inside and make sure that Zack is somewhere safe and protected from all the handshakes and hugs. I find that he in fact is, surrounded by family and it seems that they are protecting him.

As we all find our seats, John's wife, Linda, her son Billy, Frank, Jamie, Mitch and Shawn all sat in the front row.  I had been told when we arrived that the children were going to sit in the front, of course we all had to laugh later, when I shared that I had told the "children... AKA grandchildren" to sit up front. I just never think of Frank and his siblings as the "children". The "in-laws" sat in the next seat and grand kids in next...etc.. A local Baptist Minister officiated, he did a wonder job, though my personal belief is different than what was preached , having had the pleasure to know the minister, he is a kind man and has always been there for the members of our community. The minister had also been asked by John, before his passing, to sing a song called "Lord, build me a cabin in glory" which was originally sung by Charlie Pride years ago (a Country singer). He sang it acapella and did a fantastic job considering he never heard it before.  Mitch stood and spoke on how his father raised them and shared a couple of stories and then Shawn read a poem that their father had written, sealed in an envelope and put in his safe marked "To be read at my funeral". (I will share it when I obtain a copy) It was a beautiful poem and spoke of where he hopes he will be when he passes, (actually a cabin overlooking the hills, I'm sensing a theme here). I do hope that he is in that place of peace, he had suffered for way too many years and he made it impossible for anyone to take care of him. The family had requested a color guard, as John had served (during peace times) in the Marines. The younger serviceman and servicewoman unfolded and refolded the flag, it was then presented to Linda along with documents and a Thank you for John's years of service. This was followed by a three gun salute (caught me off guard... pardon the pun) and the trumpet playing "Taps". When they presented Linda with the flag is when I teared up, it was beautiful and I couldn't help but think how special it is that Mom worked so hard to ensure we were born in the US. When the service was over, in honor of Johns love of hunting, all us "children" put on camouflage hats. Those that knew him well fully understood our meaning.

We lined up to accept the guests and thank them for coming. Zack had spotted two people in particular, our old neighbors Garfield and Frances. He wanted to stay long enough to say hello to them and standing behind me, didn't shake or hug anyone until they came. They assured us they were not sick and right after saying hello to them, he left to return home. The turnout would have made John proud, the chapel was full , with friends, acquaintances from Dupont (where he worked for 33+ years) and family members. Everything had wrapped up in about two hours.  Floyd  (brother in law) and I went across to the offices to pick up the photos we had dropped off, Frank then went and was given his fathers remains. We will keep his remains with us until a decision is made as to where his final resting place will be.

As we were all leaving the chapel, we were invited to Shawn and Floyd's house for dinner. Their church had offered to bring us all dinner and though we were ready to go home, it was a nice way to end the "ceremony".  Zack handled everything so well. He came home and is now preparing for his big weekend. The fun part is, the four wheeler was a gift from Papaw, so he will in fact, be honoring him, which is exactly what John would have wanted him to do.

Of course this was years ago, but the memories are still there!

Zack and Darrick having fun with Papaw

Merry Christmas....and then some

Sunday was a day to relax, well okay so we didn't relax. We prepared the house for Christmas Eve Dinner when Rhonda and her boys will come over and do all the cooking. My brother Bob is not in any condition yet to be able to come over, (He is agoraphobic and has been for several years) we try and get together at Mom's house every year, but for the past few it is just too hard for him to have so many people and all the commotion. This is his story to tell, but not being able to spend Christmas with him is hard. I can handle if someone lives in another State far away, but when they live so close, it's hard. We honor his wishes as we know it wouldn't be fun, maybe even be torture for him  and that's not what it's all about. Frank and I asked if we could it at our house this year so that Zack can go in his room should he get tired. Everyone is in agreement. Rhonda's only request... "let me have your kitchen for the day and stay out of it!!".  I remind her of my motto "I have a kitchen, because it came with the house." Cooking is not one of my favorite things to do, I would rather have kitchen patrol than to cook.

Meme (Mom) and Zack

Monday is Christmas Eve. Since the office is going to be closed for a week after the Holiday's we decided to open from 7:30 am - Noon. The house is in order, so I know "my" preparations are complete. I work until noon, we exchange gifts, (I receive a Christmas bonus from my bosses, which is such a blessing) and Nancy and I grab a quick lunch before heading our separate ways.I had contacted the Cancer Center and told them of our plans for the rest of the week. Melanie advised that Zack go ahead and come in for them to check his levels, this way if he needs blood they can arrange to have it ready for Wednesday's appointment. Zack is angry, he didn't want to have to go in, but he also understands.  He and Frank headed out and by lunch I got a call from Melanie who advises that he does need blood and though they wanted to give it to him today, he refused saying it would be hours and he didn't want to miss Christmas Eve dinner with family.We have taught him even though you must have treatments there are some times that the schedule can be altered and if you truly want to do something, you have a right to speak up. So we have this all scheduled for Wednesday.

I had collected several pictures of Big John and after lunch brought them to the funeral home for the Thursday's service. As usual communication was mixed up and they were already closed, not being one to give up I call and ask where to leave them. We work out a location and I'm on the road again. Not realizing the banks closed early, I went shopping for a couple of last minute items and received change for my nephews "Joke" present. I had prepared two packages, one with change, small bills, and a couple of large bills and put each item in a coin roll, Frank found a stone that weighed the exact same as a snow globe that I placed in the other bag with larger bills. He had two bags in front of him and could only choose one as his gift. He choose the one that required the more work. Of course, later he found out the amount was the same in each bag, one just required work and the other not. This was "pay back" for a time when he placed money in small denominations in a plastic bag, filled it with water and froze it. He then presented my husband with the gift of "COLD HARD CASH!!" We love gags like this, it makes for fun.

Frank and Rhonda

  

Nick (nephew) and Havley

Rhonda and her sons Peter, Nick and Jim

  

Sidi (Tibetan for Peace)

       

"It's past my bedtime"

Rhonda's special marzipan

The Christmas Eve spread was magnificent. Hors d'oeuvres of Brie cheese, pigs in a blanket, a cheese ball and Rhonda's special fruit shaped marzipan. The meal consisted of mac and cheese, ham, pot roast, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, salad, two breads, cranberry sauce. I'm sure I missed something. There was enough food to feed an army, but the best part is all the leftovers. We had a great meal and a even better time together. Laughter is something that has been missing from this family for awhile, especially at the holidays. Mom misses the hell out of Dad, understandably, so the Holidays are especially hard for her. My "mission" this particular time of year was to ensure that Zack had the best possible memories. He has just lost his Grandfather and the limitation he currently has due to his therapy make it hard to keep things "normal", but we do the best we can,. 

Darrick, Zack, Curtis &  Jamie

Zack's new ramps

  
On Christmas morning, we woke fairly early and exchanged gifts. I used to think the days that Zack stopped believing in Santa, opening gifts wouldn't be the same, but we had a ton of fun. Frank had wrapped my gift in a large box, taped with duct tape and a set of drill bits (hey I asked for it, don't laugh) also taped inside the box. Zack will excited with his gifts, mostly for the truck and Frank's involved fishing gear.

Zack whispering

We all  (Franks family) had agreed to meet at his Sister and Brother in laws house for the Fisher get together. We usually go in the afternoon, today we will meet at 11:30 am. so that my younger sister in laws children could have equal time with us and their father (their parents are separated . It was actually perfect. We opened gifts, the children were picked up by their father and the adults had quiet time to visit and catch up on everything. 

Plans are ready for Big Johns service and if everything goes as planned, the service should be light and short. Zack will go to the service, which will be first, sit up front with us (Big John was cremated) and when it is over head home while the rest of us stay and visit with the guests. Frank and I were firm and told everyone we didn't want Zack to be subject to a large crowd. Of course everyone was in agreement, so no arguments.

We wrapped up the day around 4 pm which allowed us "down time" at home. Zack had already headed our earlier to go see Drake and his family and rest. We love the fact that he is honest enough, no matter what the situation to tell us when he is tired and needs to rest. That is the only way all of these get together's are working. We don't want to have to "guess" what he is feeling, if he tells us, we can better understand how to help.

It is now Wednesday and life as we know it is back to normal. Zack and I head out to the Cancer Center for a double blood transfusion and his next round of chemo. This time it is Vincristine, which, thankfully, doesn't make him as sick. He is tired, which is one of the side effects of low hemoglobin so we are already glad for the transfusion. We arrive at 11:30 am and are done by 3:30 pm, an early day for us. This can usually last until 6 pm. We head out and stop at a local store to pick up some new pants for tomorrow's service. Some family members state we must wear a suit, but anyone that knows us, knows we will not and do not conform. We are there to pay our respects to Big John,and I know he wouldn't care what the heck we wear. The reality is, he is long gone and much happier and hopefully not hanging around to see what we are up to. He served his time and now it's his time to rest in peace.

Feelings... nothing more than feelings....

Shock: the day we found out that our 16 year old has Ewings Sarcoma and our life as we knew it would never be the same!

Anger: realizing the new journey our son would be going through and there wasn't a damn thing we could do about it.  Realizing the surgeon cut open our son without further tests that would have determined it was cancer so we could be at St Judes Hospital.

Fear: Is our son really going to be cancer free, able to have a normal healthy life after a year of treatments? Able to father children, will he go through this again as have some of our new friends, will he be strong enough emotionally to cope should that happen.

Relief   We know what must be done, The odds are in our favor, That we are better off in our hometown where he would still receive the same treatment, care and would be surrounded by his friends and family instead of in a location where we knew no one. That we are all going to make it through this better people.

Love: The outpouring of Love from all our friends and family members was and is overwhelming to say the least. The incredible Love I feel for others, now more on a spiritual level.

Coping:  Learning to cope with the new schedule, the emotions, changes in lifestyle, changes in how we can and can't be there for everyone as we were able to do in the past, learning how to be a couple in the midst of everything, Coping with being parents and staying firm in spite of the new life.

Exhaustion: From lack of sleep, worry, fear, anger, crying, trip to treatments, stays in hospital, being emotionally supportive 100% of the time

Frustration:  Not always having the answers for a child with questions, not always being able to say yes, not being able to be with my best friend and Mom as often as I would like to, having to deal with stupid comments from ignorant people, having everyone tell us what we should and shouldn't do.

Energy:   Receiving and giving of energy. The love from everyone gives us renewed energy, the hugs, phone calls, uplifting emails and Face Book messages are all re-energizing!

Strength:  The new strength we are discovering each day in how to survive, be alive and learn to live with each new change. Learning to ignore the negative energy and let it go.

Loss:  The loss of life as we knew it, the loss of our sons innocence, the loss of friends who didn't know how to cope with our new journey,  the loss of time we can never regain.

Gain: The new respect for life, new friends and amazing connections with people from around the globe, stronger relationships with new purpose and new meaning, better outlook on life, new respect for our son, my husband and even myself.

Joy: When we found out the cancer was all removed! When we were told the radiation was completed!  In the moments we share laughing, teasing and even crying. Watching a movie and enjoying the simple things. Dancing in the kitchen as our son stares at us as if we are aliens. Sitting by the campfire telling jokes and sharing stories.

Gratefulness:  For the outpouring of Love and Kindness. For a team of Doctors and Nurses that treat Zack as if he were their only concern, For the generous gifts we have received, For two amazing bosses that allow me to take time off when needed and continue to pay me, amazing friends that tolerate my mood swings, emotions and anger and still tell me they love me.

Compassion  Feeling more compassion for others, learning to put myself in "their" place and understanding that someone will always have it better and someone will always have it worse, but we all go through the cycle.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The rest of this week has been full of changes and yet.. it is "business" as usual. Wednesday Zack went by himself for his Neulasta shot. Knowing he wouldn't be getting transfusion or chemo, he was fine driving there and returning within a couple of hours. His leg is still in pretty bad shape, but it's not hurting too much to drive. Since I have a couple of full days of work before the Holidays it's nice when he can go on his own. He much prefers a break too, from Mom and Dad's "hovering". We continue to wrap his leg with the special gauze they gave us, which is allowing it to heal in a more normal  pace.

Thursday, he stayed home and continued working on his schoolwork. His extension is limited to the time school is out, so he needs to finish up. He is frustrated and tired, but works on it nonetheless while complaining the entire time. His mood swings are pretty much up and down, but every now and then he sits down and vents. 

Friday morning around 7:30  Zack goes with Drake for labs. If they determine that he needs blood, they will have him stay for transfusions. I was scheduled to go shopping for the morning with Nancy, but offered to take Zack. He tells me "no offense Mom, but I would rather go with Drake." "It's more fun with my friends." How can I argue with that? I have to agree, they have more to talk about and maybe it's less stressful when his friends are there. I am still in bed when Frank comes in and says "Dads gone!" I look at him with disbelief and repeat what he said in question format. He tells me that his Dad was having a hard time breathing the night before and Linda (his wife) had checked on him a couple of times. At one point she had to put the oxygen tube back in his nose and went back to sleep. She was restless, this all seemed too familiar to her. When she awoke a couple of hours later, she found he had passed. We have been waiting for this moment for many years. This man had escaped death many times, his will to live was so strong, even with his quality of life becoming very poor. 

I was in such disbelief, I started to cry and Frank came and consoled me reminding me that he is better off.  Somehow, even though we know this to be true, it doesn't make it easier. Immediately I am ready to cancel my day with Nancy. Frank won't hear of it. He reminds me that every now and then I need to have some fun. He tells me that it is up to the kids, "there are four of us" to step up and handle whatever needs to be done. It doesn't take me long to be convinced. Being selfish, I knew I needed to have a day out with my dear friend. I called my sisters and brother in -laws and offered my condolences. I then realize that it is possible that someone would post something on Face Book (the worlds new form of immediate communication). so I call and ask my nephew Darrick to tell his parents to let everyone know not to post anything until we have had time to tell Zack. (Frank and I decided it was best to tell him when he returned home). Frank, heading up to Linda's house, tells me to just call him when we are done shopping and he will let me know where they are and what's going on. 

Nancy and I meet and once I shake off the guilt of going out, we both agree to "try" and make the best of the day. We arrive at the store and I receive a text from my nephew who says he saw that Tammy posted on FB about Johns passing. Possibly over reacting, I call Tammy (my sister in law, married to John's other son, Mitch) and tell her to IMMEDIATELY take the notice off of Face Book, Zack hasn't been told and I would hate for him to find out while getting his labs. I don't even give her a chance to respond, she says she can't take it off, she put in on through her phone, I tell her to do whatever she must, just take care of it!! It takes about an hour for me to find out from Frank that she removed it and though her feelings were hurt, she understood where I was coming from. Trying to apologize in my own way, I send her an "I love you text", to which she responded the same. It all of a sudden occurred to me that Zack would be driving by the store on his way home. I call Frank, who agrees, it is better to go ahead and tell Zack sooner than later. He is going to find out in the "wrong" way and it is better for us to tell him. I heard from Zack that he is not going to need a blood transfusion so he is on his way back home. I, feeling weird, as him to drop by Target which he does. We meet in the entrance, he is with Drake, who being my "other" son also has grown close to Papaw John. feeling really awkward, Zack says Mom "just tell me, I'm freezing my arse off out here." I tell him that Papaw passed away early in the morning and we didn't find out until he was on his way to the cancer center. He didn't seem shocked and said "I knew it was going to happen sooner than later." Somehow I knew he was being tough, I knew that he would "deal" with his emotions later. He said he was going to go up to see everyone and gave me a hug goodbye. 

Finally Nancy and I were able to relax and enjoy the rest of the day. The guilt slowly subsided and I could feel my shoulders relaxing as the tension of the morning left. We spend the rest of the morning finding wonderful Christmas gifts from our lists and after checking in with Frank, we head out to lunch. Zack made it up to Linda's house with Drake and was catching everyone up with his treatments as the kids were helping Linda figure out the funeral arrangements and reviewing all of John's legal documents. 

Once we are back I call Frank, who is at the funeral home with Mitch, Shawn and Linda. They are wrapping up the arrangements. They decided to have a memorial service with friends and family and later the spreading of the ashes with family. We pay our last respect to John and within twenty minutes we are back home. Zack had spent most of the day up at Linda's house and now was hanging out at Drakes. 

Now, Saturday morning, we all wake up slowly. The condolences are coming in by the droves from so many friends and family. Zack wakes up and immediately takes Frank to pick up his truck at Floyd's, who repaired it. When he returns he is in a bad mood. I ask him if there is anything I can do to help him out. He snaps and says "You know what it is." I tell him that I don't know what it is, there is so much going on I need him to talk to me! He starts to cry and says "it's Papaw." He tells me that even if we all expected him to pass, he is so sad and will miss him very much. Frank comes in and talks about how special Zack was to Papaw. "He loved all of his grand kids equally, but you son are the only one that is going to carry on the Fisher name and he was so proud of that and who you have become." I started to tear up, I hadn't even thought of that! Zack sits up straight and wipes the tears, he is all of a sudden proud.

The rest of the day he spent with Drake. It's so much easier to deal with things when you are with friends, especially at that age. Linda called and told me that she and Zack were teasing about how he found out, "in the middle of Target parking lot" Zack told her, she said I looked at him and reminded him of just whom is mother is. She said they both "agreed" and got a good laugh. I spent the day wrapping the presents purchased yesterday as Frank worked further on his indoor project. His leg is looking better by tonight, he is still walking with a limp, but each day the healing is better, 

"It's the little things"...

"Sunday is a day of rest". Well I finally took the advise and rested. Zack was to go with Frank and work for a couple of hours on the indoor water feature, but his leg is still in bad shape, so he stayed home and rested along with me. 

We sat on the couch and love seat and picked one movie after another. We went from old black and white movies, to action, to comedy back to action. It was so nice just to sit and relax and enjoy one on one time with my son. It was raining outside so I never once felt guilty about taking the time to sit and do absolutely nothing.

Monday, was an exciting day at work. I put out a spread of goodies and apple cider as a Holiday treat for our clients. I love setting up little treats, it's fun to see peoples faces and their appreciation for thinking of them. It's all about the little things, that's one thing I have known for years and continue to believe.

Zack's leg was not in any better shape. I wanted to bring him to the clinic today, but he asked me to please just wait until Tuesday, since we were going to be there anyway. He continued to work on his schoolwork. We were so proud when we received an email from his English teacher telling us he made an 89 on his Senior paper. She said considering the criteria he did an excellent job and we should all be proud of him. Of course under the circumstances the fact that he finished it is what I'm thrilled with. He doesn't know it yet, but the teachers have given him an extension on his schoolwork until they return in January, so.... will keep everyone posted. I personally want a piece of paper in front of me stating that he has completed all courses and will graduate!!!

I had an emotional evening. I find that there are changes in some friendships. I seem to get on people nerves more.I'm not sure if I'm talking too much about what we are going through or not enough. I am very confused and try and fix the relationships, but I am reminded by my very intelligent son "If someone doesn't want to be your friend anymore, show them the door, you don't need added stress right now." Well I can't exactly show the door, I am a type of person that becomes very attached to my friends and when I invest in relationships it is 100%. Of course, we all have "off" days and are not able to be there as much as we would like to be, but I try and make up for those days.  What I must learn is that some things are out of my control and it takes two people to have a relationship.

Zack and I  had a nice relaxing evening once I returned home from work. Frank is still working on the indoor garden feature so he doesn't make it home until 9 pm. I  had purchased monogrammed small key chain coin purses and photo albums attached to key chains for all the staff at the Cancer Center as Christmas gifts. It is just a small token of our appreciation for how they have taken such good care of Zack. I acquired a list with all the names of each staff member, so each item had their initial for that personal touch.  I purchased small bright colored foil bags, bows and silver tissue paper to wrap all their gifts.  Zack and Frank thought it was pretty neat looking, so if they liked it I know the staff will be pleased. I put them in a box for transport, loaded up my laptop and bills and had everything ready on the table for Tuesday's trip to the Cancer Center.

It is now Tuesday morning. We are expected at the center for week one of chemo. When I say week one, it is always the first treatment of the month, followed by the second week of chemo and the third is usually the hospital week. Well, that's what we "thought". Since Zack is close to reaching the lifetime max of the doxorubicin (the red chemo that makes him the most sick), he is not getting that for a couple of weeks. They want to spread out the treatments more now, which should provide some relief for Zack. Today was the "mild" chemo treatment. "Mild", but he still get nauseous ,usually not as long lasting as with the other medicine. He was given three units of IV fluids before beginning the treatment. 

Rhonda came early and stayed the entire day with us. At first I wasn't sure if "we" wanted company. On days like this, I come fully prepared to do bookkeeping, make calls and rest. Zack and I were in such bad moods when we first arrived, I wasn't sure she was going to feel welcome. Zack was just pissed about being there again and I was just pissed at the world. I find that I'm still trying to get into everybody's head and it just doesn't work , not to mention it's driving me crazy in the process. By the time Rhonda arrives, we start to loosen and have a better attitude. Zack is watching "Ink Master", a show where several tattoo artist compete for the $100,000 prize and title of feature article in "Inked Magazine". Today they are showing the entire series and tonight will be the Finale. He got Rhonda totally hooked on the show to the point where we had to rush back after lunch to see the next episode. It was kind of funny actually. She and I grabbed lunch at Neo, a local Mexican restaurant (which has delicious food) near Biltmore Estate, just down from the Center. We picked something up for him and luckily by the time we returned he was hungry.

While they were watching the show, I took a short nap, in between calling the billing departments at the Hospital, Radiation, Cancer Center and Anesthesiologist and then credit agencies that have all either sent collection letters or phone calls. Luckily I keep very tight records (which is a must when you get five - ten bills daily). Most were supposed to file with insurance and then send us new balances, There were still several that had not submitted to the insurance company, so we arranged to get that current. Those that have most EOB's ( Explanation of Benefits) back with balances are willing to work with us, I was able to talk with them all and ask them for a payment plan.  There is also something called "Charity" where they charge based on your income. I interviewed over the phone as they filled out the same documents that I had filled out with the local hospital where Zack first had his surgery. At least I felt that "they" heard me and are willing to work with us. I'm not sure any hospital expects payment in full from anyone and God bless anyone that could pay in full. Once finished with all the calls, I at least felt like I was back in control.

The rest of the day was spent watching the shows, and getting the scheduling filled in for the next few weeks. Zack had gone to the restroom and came back showing me the back of his leg. His burn had leaked through his clothes and stained them. I went out to get the nurse and asked her to take a look at it. She did, then she got the doctor, who asked the Radiation nurse to come upstairs and offer her input into how to treat the burn. They all concur that it is healing very well, but must be covered to allow it to continue to heal. He is also put on antibiotics. At first I protest, but then the Doctor explains how with chemo and the radiation, his immune system is low and the possibility of infection is high. After explaining this, we agree to go ahead with the antibiotics. This is not normal circumstances we are dealing with, but I will always question why. We are given various types of gauze including petroleum covered gauze that will not stick to the sore. Because we have not been successful at having the gauze stay on the sore, (trying paper tape and cloth tape didn't work either) we were given a special leg gauze that Zack can slip up on his thigh and will hold it in place. Everything they gave us can not be found in the local pharmacy so I'm glad I asked for additional help. 

It is 6:30 pm and we have been there for 9 1/2 hours. We walk with Rhonda out to our cars, hug each other goodbye and can't wait to get home. I have set up the TV to record the shows that we are not able to see while traveling. Once we arrive home, we immediately turn on the TV and continue watching the shows. Frank is home after having worked on the indoor feature a couple of hours before our arrival, so we share the days events. He is excited that we don't have to spend New Years Eve in the Hospital, we don't have the "heavy" chemo for a couple of weeks and that we finally have what is needed to treat his wound properly.  We are just celebrating the little things!