Tuesday, March 12, 2013

"Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way"

Sunday was another great day for Zack. He was feeling well and spent the entire day with his friends, out in the forest, driving to Hendersonville yet again, to take Donald to see his family and a few friends. It was so good to see him having a good time and being out and about.

As I continue to rest , doing just a couple of loads of laundry, I have time to think about the past few weeks and its effect on both my body and mind. How Zack has survived everything both physically and emotionally is beyond me. Does he really have youth on his side, like everyone professes? Is it his attitude? I am known for my positive attitude (most of the time), but is this the "warning" everyone was talking about? Have I finally broken down? 

I understand in general, when one doesn't feel well, the slightest little thing can set us off. Was it the "event" that set me into a downward spiral or was I already on my way and thus creating the "event". I probably will never know, but I am relieved that it finally did hit me!! It's like I am waking up from this nightmare and knowing that we are nearing the end of this particular journey, that has me looking down the road and wanting to create something to look forward to for us all! Not having the energy to do much of anything and having Frank and Zack's full support and help, I just sit, think, cry and sleep. 

By Monday, I am feeling a little better physically. I still have a slight cough and deep voice, but not like Louis Armstrong as my mother called me earlier in the week. I force myself to get up with a good attitude, knowing that as I proceed with the day, I will slowly turn it around. Our patients have a way of bringing the best out in me, as I must think about them and not myself, what do they need today. As Nancy says "getting out of our own head, is always a good thing." I prefer to think of it as getting out of my own way too!! They are kind and ask about us, especially since I have missed a couple of days of work, which in the past was unheard of. I tend to get in my own way, in the way of good, feeling undeserving for some stupid reason. What makes me or us so special always comes back to haunt me. As suspected, I am feeling a little more up as the day progress. Zack went to the Cancer Center on his own. He was scheduled for labs and a Neulasta shot. I get a call a couple of hours later from Julia (who is back from maternity leave) and all of his counts are good. She tells me that Dr. B. has my sniffles and cough. I tease and say I will stop smooching on him so much, followed by.... I got MINE from being in the Hospital, kind of the same place he hangs out. She laughs and agrees.

When I arrive home, Frank tells me we are going to have company! Hans and Andrea are coming up to see his father, who is in Elizabeth House with terminal cancer (there's that word again!). They are bringing dinner and are going to camp out in our home office. I think for the first time, maybe EVER.. I don't want anyone here. I adore the couple, but I have no more to give. I can't be all smiley faced, glad to see anyone, when all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep. Poor Frank is so excited to see his old friend and tries everything to cheer me up. When they arrive, I can't pretend. I never can, everyone can read me so well. Hans hugs me and says "we shouldn't have come, your not well!" THAT had me feeling even worse!! Here they drive five hours and I can't even manage a smile. These are our friends and honesty is a must! I explain (he can tell by my voice) that I have been sick, and everything that has happened the past two weeks with Zack. I share that I have nothing to give, but a tiny smile. He too is sad, his trip may be the last time he can see his father and though their relationship hasn't been great, it is still his father. While we eat dinner, he gets a call and is told that there is a room with one of his sisters. The family is meeting to discuss when everyone can go and see their father, so it is for the best that they go and stay there. I don't argue, I simply say, "next time, we will be ready to party as all of this will be behind us and I will no longer feel like crap." With tons of hugs they are on their way, I ask the boys to clean the kitchen and within minutes I am in bed asleep.

It is now Tuesday morning. I plan on resting today, not going out, just chilling, when all of a sudden I remember it is Tuesday! I MUST go to my weight watchers meeting! I haven't been in a month and want to get back on track. I go thinking I will have gained and ended up loosing!! Since I am already up and out, I call Zack and he and Donald meet me for breakfast. We then go and pick up his Senior ring, which has been ready for a couple of weeks now. He had given me half of the money he had received as early graduation presents, so between the two of us I could finally pick it up. At breakfast Bob sends me a text and says "I'll treat you guys to lunch if you want to pick up Mom and take her out!" Zack, Donald and I agree, if Zack drives. He loves to drive his truck and I'm tired from all the trips to and from Asheville. So we head out to Hendersonville and have a nice lunch with Mom. I am still not myself, but no one has any expectations   This is who I am for today, tomorrow I may be back to my old self. Even I don't know. Once we drop off Mom, we decide to go and see if  Jamie is home (sister in law). She is just a couple of blocks over from Moms house, so why not. We surprise her and Curtis, who were trying to nap, with not much luck. Curtis loves his cousin, especially when he can pounce on him like a trampoline. We visit for about thirty minutes and head back down the road.  Zack asks for me to show him how to get to his uncles house, so we drive by there. Now, he says, I can find all of my relatives and visit when I don't have anything to do. He loves having his family close. We don't get to see them that often, so when he is well, he just hops in his truck and goes to see them. He and Donald drop me off at my car where we met and are on their way. I grab a frozen lasagna for dinner and later find out that they went to see his other Aunt Sissy and Cousin Darrick and then former neighbors Francis and Garfield. 

It took me all day, but I am coming back!! The fact that I even "thought" about dinner was a miracle in and of itself. I put the lasagna in the oven and yup, start to re arrange the living room. I needed to nest after being in the Hospital for so long. Kind of a way to remind myself, this is home and where we belong. Zack, Donald and Frank all tease me and then disappear  They KNOW they will be called in for the heavy lifting. Frank asks "why?". My response? "because I can!" What more can he say to that!! "Well, I'm going down to the pond to fish, call me when dinner is ready." I just laugh, he knows to stay out of my way when I'm being creative. Leah, Donald, Zack, Frank and I all have dinner together and talk about our day. I am so glad I woke up and accepted what the day had in mind for me. Nothing was planned, yet it was the perfect day. I got out of my own way, my own head and "allowed" myself a good time, which in turn allowed everyone around me to enjoy themselves as well.

The next two days are working days for me and I'm so grateful. No labs until Friday, when we see if Zack needs a transfusion  He feels well and looks very good. His eyebrows and mustache are returning, but he is quick to remind us they will be gone again in a couple of weeks when he has his next strong chemo treatment. Until then, we can watch and admire, how well he heals and what a blessing he is to have around. 

No comments:

Post a Comment