Simply Amazing!

Simply Amazing!! He's just so amazing! "We never know what he is going to do next." That's what the nurse at the Cancer Center said to me on the phone today. Zack's counts were up to 11.1. That is the highest it's been in a long time. They can't believe it, of course nothing surprises me when it concerns Zack. He has shown us over and over how much of a fighter he is, how well he can handle any situation put in his path to date. Melanie took Zack for his radiation and then labs. She was so excited about the counts that she immediately texted me to let me know he was in great shape. We are all so excited because it is so unusual to have such high counts after a week of chemo and radiation.  His body is healing fast and will continue to do so through the course of treatments, that's been consistent so far.

We are so lucky to have friends and family that can take Zack for his treatments when we are unable to do so. He seems to touch so many people and I am constantly reminded by everyone how proud and amazed they are at how he is handling everything. We are all given certain circumstances in life and how we handle them is what makes us who we are. Every day I know more and more that Zack will be just fine because of the way he handles what is thrown in his path. From the diagnosis of cancer, to not being able to drive his first truck, to the car catching fire and on and on... He deals with it and moves on.

He returned home fairly early and started in on his schoolwork. Zack was asking me tonight how he could earn some money. They are going to look at another truck this Friday and he knows he is going to have to put a little money into it for some of the "frills" he wants. I won't jinx it by giving out too much information, but  when he asked if I could find some work for him (he isn't able to get a job like his friends, because of his schedule and current limitation due to treatments)  I told him I would pay him to do his schoolwork. Hey, why not? He has to do it, can't do much else, so why not relieve some of my stress and help him earn money.

I received a lot of help from case workers during lunch today. Tomorrow I have phone consults set up to discuss our options regarding my father in law. When one door closes another opens and we were fortunate enough today to have three doors open with people that are more than willing to help us out. Having gone through all of this with my own father, I remember all too well the hoops one must jump through, but if you have people behind you willing to take the time to help it makes the journey easier. Our goal is to keep him in the nursing home where he currently resides. He would really love to be home, but that is just not an option. He requires 24 hour care and none of us are in a position to handle him.

Well, I better sign off for now. Rest is needed for tomorrow. A full but fun day hanging out with my "little buddy" Zack, and Mom. So excited too, this week we get to see a long "not so lost" friend who is up for the Holidays. I can't wait to see her and her family!!  Yeah!!!

What will this week bring............

We are finally home, having spent the night in our own beds was heaven. Zack had a good night's sleep, me not so much. I have so much going on in my head, I go to sleep with a headache and wake up with one. I feel the pressure of those who need me and don't think I can say no. They have done so much to help us and in the areas where they need help, I have become an expert. (Social services, Nursing home problems and dealing with doctors who want to discharge my father in law when he absolutely has no business going home.) It isn't even Monday yet and I'm looking forward to Thursday. NOT a good way to start the week! I have to work on my attitude!

It wasn't until this morning that I realized how beautiful the house looked. Walking into the living room I did notice a gas heater in front of the gas log fireplace. We had been talking for the past two years about getting one as it is a lot more efficient at heating the house, especially when the power goes out in the winter. Frank was able to get a great deal on one and wanted to surprise me when I returned home. Frank, even still very weak from being so sick, had the house spotless, dinner ready (we had already eaten at the hospital - poor guy), clean sheets on the beds. All I had to do was crawl into bed, we didn't even unload the car until this morning. 

I managed to find the energy to wash three loads of laundry and spent the rest of the day napping and playing games on my laptop. Zack worked on his schoolwork and had a friend come visit him for awhile. Frank was planning on blowing the leaves, but never had the energy to do so. I didn't make it to the office to decorate, I figure this weekend will be perfect as I will have four days off and will be able to get Zack's help with hanging the lights. I love to tease him, he can hang most of the lights on the outside of the building without using a ladder. I did manage to finally get all of the statement in order, in their respective folders and now feel I have some organization. Now when the statements come in (four to five daily) I have a place to keep them straight. Everyone has been very nice to work with regarding payments and discounts after insurance. I even had an old credit card debt cut in half for early pay off.  More blessing all around. 

We made arrangements with Melanie (Zack's other mom) to take Zack for his radiation tomorrow and for his Neulasta shot. We are so lucky to have backup for the days when we aren't able to do so. Everyone has been so eager and pleased when we ask for help. The day should be short, especially since they let us leave the hospital early, I'm sure he won't need a transfusion since he just had a triple. I told Mel that he needs to come home immediately after to do his schoolwork. He only has four weeks left of school and has a lot to catch up on. 

Tuesday we pick up Mom, head to radiation therapy and then take Mom to her Urologist for her kidney checkup. (She had kidney cancer and we were so blessed, they took out the kidney and the cancer was gone, no chemo or radiation needed.) I also have a 4 pm meeting with Linda (Mother in law) and my brother in laws and sister in laws to meet with the nurses, case worker and doctor. The staff want to send my father in law home. He still needs 24 hour care and they "think" he will be just fine. Idiots!!! The fun part of Tuesday is going to the Biltmore House employee dinner with Mom and Rhonda. It is held on the property where we will get to see the decorated trees, other Christmas decorations and be treated to a wonderful time. I seem to have to force myself to go out for fun and glad that Frank told me I needed to go. He reminded me that a little fun can go a long way, so I'm taking him up on his suggestion. 

I just tonight decided to fix a Thanksgiving meal for us, Mom, Rhonda, Jamey and the kids. I am having a hard time getting into the "spirit" of the Holidays and know that Zack is really excited about Christmas this year.I figure this will help get us all in the spirit.  He knows that he doesn't have to be in the Hospital (well, let me rephrase this... WE WILL NOT ALLOW him to be in Hospital during Christmas). Even the nurses said that they will not force the treatment during the Holidays, they know that it is the hardest time to be "stuck" and they can postpone is for one week. (they already have before, because of his counts)

Knowing that I have asked Zack to change his attitude when going into the hospital, I am going to practice what I preach and try very hard to work on mine this week. I know getting much needed sleep  will be a big help, not to mention being back home with us all under one roof,  healthy and no chemotherapy this week. 

http://www.biltmore.com/

Counting the hours...................

Yesterday (Friday) was a usual day in the hospital, NOT.... Zack was scheduled to be picked up by ambulance to for his daily radiation therapy at 8:30 am, since I'm not allowed to ride with them , I decided to run to Walmart and get my hair cut, pick up a few items for lunch, more aromatherapy stuff (Zack loves the Rosemary Mint smell in the room, it helps relax him as well as help with the nausea) and office supplies to help organize the multitude of medicals statements coming in. We waited and waited and waited, finally at 9 am we were told they were on their way so I went ahead and left. It turns out they didn't come for another hour and a half. I walked into Walmart's salon and was greeted by Ryan, whom had cut my hair last month. I ask him to cut it a lot shorter and please go ahead and shampoo. I never realized how just a little pampering can make you feel so good. I was totally relaxed and felt like I could conquer the rest of the day. 

I return around 11:30 expecting Zack to be in the room waiting for me, he is still not back! He finally returns around noon, which is the time he is supposed to start his next chemotherapy treatment. One of the paramedics looks familiar and she says "I used to work with your Mom at the Sheriff's department", of course she meant my mother in law (Whom was also Mom). She then tells me how Betty would be so sad to learn of her grandson's treatment. We caught up for a few minutes until Bryan comes in and asks them where Zack's chart is, well they left it "somewhere" and an hour later it miraculously "showed up" at the nurses station. This delayed EVERYTHING! To explain, "they" can move the chemo treatments up only by an hour each day, so that we are able to leave 8 hours after it has begun. Because of this one "simple" error, his chemo was delayed by two hours, which in turn delays the time we can be discharged. Everyone makes mistakes, but when you have a teenager, who has already been in the hospital for five days, it's kind of hard to ask him to let it go.

Zack and I have lunch together, I then settle in with all the medical statements and start making phone calls to set up payment arrangements. I also am requesting a break in the balance based on income. Here we are six months into this and I find out from my phone calls that The Hospital hasn't filed any insurance, (because they don't have any on file?), she casually mentions on the phone, "oh, yes you have a balance of $179,000". I pick myself off the floor and ask if that is AFTER insurance (knowing full well that insurance will cover 80% of the expenses up to $5,000, then it kicks in with 100%. ) She says that they didn't have me down as having insurance, so I again gave all the information  and she tells me once they get the balance, they will be glad to take the application for assistance. At least I now have one person that I can call with her direct line. I continue with my other calls and everyone was very successful, some (again) didn't have the insurance information (even though my card was handed to them and scanned right in front of me). Once I was completed with this I was so tired, I decided I would handle the organizational part later.

I ordered Chinese for the two of us ( they deliver directly to our door!) and get more comfortable. Around that time there is a knock on the door and it is our friends Bill and Amy. (Drake,  Bills son, and his Mom came to see Zack the night before).  It was so good to see them. Amy just had major surgery a little over a week ago and was looking very good, but tired. I was so surprised to see them. They are a constant on these hospital stays as is Drake. Visitors are few and very far between these days. I don't even want to attempt to hazard a guess as to what has changed, I have enough on my mind then to try and figure out others reasoning. Zack says "whatever", so I take my cues from him. Within 30 minutes from the time they leave, dinner is delivered. We settle in for the night watching more comedies. ( A great stress reliever for sure) By 10 PM I am asleep and Zack isn't far behind.

It is 1 am and Zack gets up to use the bathroom. He sits up and without realizing it until it's too late, the IV tube connected to his port and the IV tree is caught in the wheel. He jerks back down and looks at me with fear and anger, "Mom, it hurts" I immediately call for the night nurse (Will) and tell them his port is out. Will comes in right away and sees that indeed, the port came out and will need to be re accessed. (they will have to stick a new needle and tubing into his chest port).  We are still half asleep and trying to figure out how this happened. Will assures us this is not uncommon, with so many wires, tubes and machines around I call him Pinocchio  He is not amused! Will turns off the machines , he has another patient that he must fix an IV on and will be back right away. I don't even know how long it was (not long at all) and Will was back with the IV port kit. He pulls out the old needle and I'm all of a sudden reminded of a scene from the Adams Family movie, where the kids are doing a play at school.... (if you didn't see it, you wouldn't understand). As soon as the needle is taken out (sorry for graphics) blood come out everywhere, I remind Will he is on Lovenox which is blood thinner. He grabs towels, I grab towels, Zack is just sitting there trying to "catch" what he can looking at me like "what the F?" The bleeding stops almost as fast as it starts, the port is again accessed and fluids being pumped back into him . It doesn't take long for Zack to be back asleep, so I too closed my eyes and slowly fell asleep.

I wake this morning, Zack is still sound asleep so I quietly take a shower and head downstairs to the cafeteria, leaving him a note on the board. On the way down I meet a man in the elevator, I comment to him "I look worse than you feel!" he chuckles, I then get serious and ask if he has a child in Peds. He says "yes, a little girl 15 months old with double pneumonia."  I let him know that they are in my prayers and he thanks me. I am still so out of it, that I have him let me off on the wrong floor and didn't realize it until I was all the way at the entrance. I ask for directions (yes men, a very good thing to do. smile) and am right in front of the cafeteria. Once I finished, I headed back upstairs and Zack was still sleeping. The nurse had come and gone, changed his fluids and wrote her name on the board. (Sam). I set up the laptop and started writing the blog. Once he woke up (about an hour later), he ate just a bit of his breakfast when the doctor came in, checked all his vitals and told us he would sign the discharge papers for 8 pm. Yahoo!!! Zack is literally counting the hours.

At lunch we had a couple of furry visitors. There is a group of people who bring their service dogs to the hospital to visit the patients. Since Zack had just started his chemo he wasn't really in the mood to see them, so I went out in the hall and visited with them.  The dogs were large in size and had the softest coats. I sat on the floor and both came to me and nudged me with their noses. One lay on her back for me to rub her belly, it felt so good to see a little furry friend. I haven't seen Sidi or Anubus since Wednesday morning when I stopped at the house to pick up extra stuff we had forgotten.

It is now 3 pm and Zack is halfway through with his final chemo treatment for the week. He has been tired today, so he has been sleeping quite a bit. Every now and then he moves from one side of the couch to the other so he can lay his head on my shoulder. He is excited about going home (now scheduled for 9 pm). He knows that he won't be able to go anywhere because he has a lot of schoolwork to catch up on. (he still didn't feel well enough to do much in the hospital and I for one am not going to force him while in here). Tomorrow I head into the office to put up Christmas decorations, Monday he Frank and his friend Chris will go for radiation therapy, lab work and then go and look at a nice truck he found. I'm not sure what he is going to think about once he gets his truck (one track mind... teenager...).

For now I will sign off and get some more rest. This will prove to be a busy, but I hope filled with fun, week. On a funny note, check out our in room "refrigerator", the port leading to the roof discovered by Zack. It really did keep things cool. 

Among my blessings, I count YOU!!!

Another week down, I know that sounds weird coming from someone who doesn't like to count the days. This week was a little rough for me emotionally. Since Frank has been sick for over two weeks, we haven't been able to connect, running through the house with masks on, avoiding contact or any length of time in the same room. Add to that Zack being in the hospital and me being the only one that can stay with him. Usually I will stay the first night and then the last two or three. Even having one night at home after work is enough of a break from the rat race. But with Zack's mood being pretty good, he smiles when I walk in the room (of course it could be the food I'm bringing with me). 

I share with him the news that several of the kids at his High School took it upon themselves to do a fund raiser. They were selling T-shirts, towels, ribbons all for Zack's benefit. I received a call from the Vice Principal, Lisa, and was asked to stop by and pick up the check. When I did so I was amazed at the hard work they must have done to collect what they did. The support that we continue to feel from the community is amazing and all without our prior knowledge. We are so blessed!

Zack has been in an especially good mood considering everything he has been through this week. He continues with radiation (being picked up by ambulance each day to go across the street), chemotherapy every day after that, and today a triple blood transfusion. His counts have been low for two days, so they decided it was time to give him the transfusions. Because of the radiation and chemotherapy, his counts tend to go down faster these days.

He is more nauseous than in previous visits, but the new aromatherapy (they brought him a little container with peppermint scent) and "burner" in which I place rosemary mint liquid both help with everything that makes him feel sick. Zack is also more tired, that is to be expected as well from both treatments. One thing, he points out, that is really bothering him, are his eyebrows and eyelashes. I have had several people tell me "oh, he shouldn't worry about THAT , they will grow back."  To Zack, THAT is one thing that most everyone would comment on, how beautifully long his eyelashes were (all the women wanted them) and his eyebrows framed his face beautifully. This is the stage where we expected this to happen, but just like with his hair, at first it is a shock.

His face is quite pale. I tease and say he is glowing in the dark so we don't need a night light. Hey, at least I get a sarcastic smile. Tonight, as we did last night, we ate dinner and caught up with the days routine. He doesn't share much, what's there to say Mom, everything is the same. Radiation, Chemo, bad hospital food (he won't eat much breakfast and doesn't eat his lunch at all). He loves the nurses and staff though. He tells me how they are looking out for him and always making sure he is okay. The Doctor, he said comes in three to four times during the day to check up on him. Another issue this time has been his blood pressure dropping very low. This is another side effect, they fill him with fluids through his IV to make sure that he is hydrated enough and the pressure comes back up. Let me say one thing I've learned, Water.... it SO important. When your doctor, friend, anyone tells you to drink water. DRINK DRINK DRINK.... I see the physical changes in him when he is hydrated. I know we would all feel a lot better if we drank more water (well, those of us who don't drink enough... Ahem..... guilty as charged!) I know Nancy, you have been telling me this for YEARS!!! You are FINALLY vindicated. (Smile).

Once dinner is finished, we sit back and challenge each other (on our phones of course) to several games of Words with friends. It's fun to sit in the same room and try and beat the other person. We listen to "Family Guy" and "Big Bang Theory", two of Zacks favorite shows. At one point he motions for me to come and sit next to him. This is when my "little" boy is back and needs his Mama. He leans his head on my shoulder and we just sit there silent. After awhile I pat his bald head and apologize that he has to go through this. He looks at me and says "it sucks and points to his eyebrows." I am holding back the tears and am thinking about the other families that are going through their own stuff. Down the hall., there is a screaming baby right next door to us, they can't explain to him what he is going through. The family who's child has Leukemia and still has another two years of treatment. If you look around, there are people that have it better and people that have it worse than "you". We all have our shit to go through, this just happens to be ours. 

I am grateful for the bonding our family and friends have done over the past six months. You accept the precious gift of new friendships, while learning to forgive and let go those that can't be there for you.  The things that we have learned and witnessed are so precious, patience, understanding, perseverance, different faiths pulling together for one purpose without judging, trust and most of all letting go of what you can't control. 

Follow the yellow brick road..

We have our "Hospital Day" routine by now. Zack and I wake up, get ready and pack the car. We aren't sure if we are going to be admitted or not, as his counts were low last week. They usually don't hold out hope for them to be good with continued radiation. As we head into radiation treatment we make a deal. If his numbers are good, we go in and get it over with. Four more hospital stays after this week. The chemo of course will continue as out patient, but it's the Hospital stays that he really hates. If the numbers are not good enough, then we accept that as well. 

He is finished with radiation, as always, within 15 minutes. We head upstairs for lab work and though our appointment again is not until 11 am, we decide to just hang out until they can fit us in. I find a corner bench near the large windows. The sun is shining in, it is so warm. I woke up again at 4 am and knowing we will have a long day ahead of us, forced myself back to sleep until 6:30 am. While sitting there I fall asleep, occasionally waking myself up with my snoring, or Zack's calling my name. After about an hour (still earlier than our scheduled appointment) they call us back. Within an hour we are told his numbers are good enough to go into the Hospital. They are all surprised as his color is off and because it was so low last week, but one thing is for sure, this kid heals fast and for that we are so grateful!

We grab our belongings, head to grab lunch on the go and arrive at Mission within 30 minutes. We are getting smarter each time. I unload everything at the main door and have Zack stay with it while I park the car. When I get back it is so much easier than hauling everything from the car, up the ramp, in between cars. I'm not sure why we didn't come up with that idea soon, but oh well, better late than never. We head upstairs to the third floor and go to our room. This time it is a small room, we are barely able to move around, yet there is something about the energy that I like. The window is large and the length of the room, even though the view is of the roof and the other hospital wing across from us. We were given the option to move to another room with a better view, but when I checked it out, the couch and chair would have been in a corner and totally alienate Zack. Here, we are close and should he need anything I am right next to him. Zack discovers a vent and takes off the cap. The air from the room quickly goes to the outside and we realize this is circulating the room air pretty much like a fan. We love the idea of "bad" air leaving, so we leave the cap off. Every now and then Zack sticks his hand out and teases that he has a window. 

Within minutes Melissa walks in with Anna Beth, who is being shown the "ropes"as one of the new nurses.  We can always count on feeling welcome when we arrive. The staff here and at the Cancer Center have a special heart. What I love is several of the nurses follow the blog, so when we arrive they are pretty much up to date with Zack's life. We walk in and they will mention something that has happened and we feel like we are with family, only with masks, needles and bags full of "stuff".  We finally get settled in (after deciding to keep our room) and as I'm plugging in the lamps, putting on the special blanket, pretty much making the room more like home, Melissa comes in and comments on how homey everything looks. I tell her and Anna Beth that my wish (when I get a million.. from wherever.... I don't gamble so I guess I can't win it) is to put in all the rooms, the best recliners that turn into amazing beds for the parents, lamps, a big screen TV with gaming systems, refrigerators, and surround sound. When these kids have to come to the hospital for days, some even stay for months when they live far away and are in need of treatment, it would amazing to have rooms just as special as in hotels. What can I say, it's a mothers dream. Zack comments that if were to "win" a million, he would be selfish and keep it all to himself. (Somehow I'm having a hard time believing that).

Zack is started on his IV fluids and by 6 pm his chemotherapy begins. Melissa tells us that she is here the next two days and her goal is going to have him start chemo one hour earlier each day so that we are out of here early on Sunday. Music to our ears for sure! Zack's mood is pretty good. I'm very proud of him, I know he doesn't want to be here, but as I told him a couple of days ago," if your attitude sucks, then you are going to be miserable. " He is already miserable from the treatment, he doesn't need to add to that from being here. He also has been told that he MUST do his schoolwork and if not done by Saturday night, he will not go anywhere until it is. Time for us to do the tough love, he only has a few weeks left in order to graduate. 

As the night progresses he is having a bad reaction to lunch or something. He is not feeling well and that was before the chemo started. He sits in the chair and starts to fall asleep. I finally get him to get into the bed and rest for the night. he is given Benedryl, gives himself his Lovenox shot and is fast asleep.

"Rumor has it....."

Another night with little sleep. I wake up at 4 am with one major list in my head. Who I need to call, questions I need to ask,contracts that need negotiating,  chores I need to do, office work with deadlines, bills to pay, will we go to hospital or have another week in seclusion at home. For a control freak, these MUST be answered and yet we all know, control is out the window. 

Zack takes me in to work  at 7 am. He is scheduled to pick up Chris L. to go with him for his radiation treatment today. He shared this photo with me and finds it ironic that it reads Grave Danger and yet tells me "I'm in THAT ROOM!!!" 

His mood is a little better today, but it doesn't take long for the roller coaster ride. By lunchtime he comes to the office for an adjustment and naturally (he's a teenager) money for lunch. He is hanging out with his friends today, who are out of school for Veterans Day. He snaps at me again and I try and ignore, but as I do so he looks at me and says "well this day is half over and you know what tomorrow is, Yeah me!"  What he is referring to is, he was told last week that he may not go into the hospital tomorrow due to low counts, but we really won't know until tomorrow. He is worried that it will be like the last time and we go in for six days instead of five. I have mixed emotions. If he does go into the hospital, I will have to stay the entire week (at night) with him as Frank is not in any position to do so. If he doesn't then we will be in Hospital the week of Thanksgiving, which is not a huge deal, but still......

Frank went to Urgent care today and after several tests, everything came back inconclusive. There are several tests results that will be back on Wednesday. They said it is not the flu, not strep, not pneumonia, they think it might be from a bug bite, but until Wednesday they're not even sure if it's viral or bacterial. So  we continue to wear the masks when walking through the living room, stay in our respective bedroom as Frank continues to live on the couch.

As I'm writing the blog and Zack is sitting on the bed sharing the days events, the phone rings. It is a dear family friend. She is calling from Scouts and wants to make sure the rumor she just heard is not true. She knows it really isn't, but the person seemed so adamant that it was, she had to prove them wrong. She was "told" that Zack's cancer was terminal. I immediately told her that though it is a very rare cancer and if not treated is most certainly terminal (eventually), but No nothing has changed since we last spoke and due to his treatments all tests are still showing no sign of cancer.  She tells me to hold on and I hear her speak to a man about the "rumor", she tells him that she has me on the phone and indeed it is a rumor, to please let his kids and others know that it in fact is not true. At this point, maybe it's the anxiety due to tomorrow's uncertainty  Franks being sick, the lack of sleep or the Pope being Catholic, (a joke people) I pretty much feel as though I could throw up. Zack looks at me and says "whatever" Mom... My friend says "next thing you know they will be saying he's pregnant". 

I post a shout out to everyone I know on Face Book, asking for them to spread the word. I know I shouldn't worry about rumors, but I know all to well the damage one like this can do to the people involved. I so appreciate my friends bringing this to my attention and hopefully it will fizzle out,. 

Who's reflection is in the mirror?

Should our moods be a reflection of others? If someone we love is having a bad day, do we in turn need to honor their feelings by also being in a bad mood? How far should our empathy go. These are questions that are difficult even under normal circumstances, but when you have a husband who has been sick for days and a son who is "done" with everything he is going through, is it fair to feel good about your day? Is it fair to run around and be happy and enjoy a beautiful day when they are not in a position to do so? I play cheerleader so often, when "they" don't respond it is so hard to know what the next step is. I must learn to give them space and make sure they know I am here when and if they are in need, that's all I'm sure about.

I woke up yesterday morning refreshed after a very good night's sleep. Frank slept on the couch and at 7:45 am was still sound asleep (very unusual for him). His fever has yet to break and we are discovering from others that have had the same illness that it is viral, so antibiotics will not help. He is constantly aching and has eaten very little. Zack spent the night at Chris F.' s house so I'm sure he had a good time, maybe not so much sleep, they are teenagers after all. I call him around 10 am on my way to Mom's booth to do some more touch ups. He is still half asleep and grumpy. Of course he gets angry when I ask if he's had his morning shot. This is a routine, twice a day. I ask, he says yes with anger and frustration in his voice. He hates the shots, they hurt and though he understands the severity of why he needs them, he is still so over it!

I make it to Moms Booth (where she sells her one of a kind hand made jewelry as well as vintage costume pieces) where they are in the middle of a Holiday Open House. There are cookies, cider, treats all over the place. Everyone is milling around and the booths are full of decorations. It feels good to be out there again, something different and constructive for me to do. I put out signs with 20% off in Moms booth and then "shop" around a little. Once finished I decide it's time to head over to Shawn and Floyd's house. My sister in law is showing her drawings at a show next Saturday and she asked if I could help her with the display.

Shawn's art work, display work in progress

Having done this for years with Mom and Dad,  how could I say no? Another chance to be creative and share my talent. The three of us had a nice lunch together, catching up and set up the display. When everything was set up I decided to head to Hendersonville to see Mom. Zack was still with his friends and Frank still sick, so I really didn't want to be at home hiding out in the bedroom. Mom and I had a nice dinner at Outback , grabbed dinner for Bob (brother) and Frank and once I dropped her back home, I headed to my home, feeling a sense of accomplishment for the day. I helped out where I was needed and had a good time as well. 

When I arrived home, Zack was there early. He was in a very bad mood and didn't want to talk about anything. He simply said he was going to bed. Frank was still on the couch feeling achy and feverish. I tried to get Zack to talk to me, but when he is in this bad of a mood I give him his space and let him know where I am should he decide he is ready to talk. I say good night and am in bed by 8 pm. I realize as I'm typing the blog that I fall asleep with my hands on the laptop. I guess I was more tired than I realized. 

It is Sunday morning and after yet another night on the couch, Frank still wakes up aching and with a low grade fever. He decides to take a hot bath to see if the fever will break with no luck. He tells me that he will go to Urgent care tomorrow if he is not better. He knows that there is probably nothing they can do, but we decide he must do something. Zack is in a better frame of mind, he shares after much prompting, that he is so pissed he has "two days until Hell!" I remind him that we may not go into the hospital. he says "Mom, with my luck I'm sure they'll do what they did last month, put my in for six days instead of five." What can I say? I have to agree with him and he has every right to feel this way. 

Our new routine until Frank is better is to wear surgical masks. It's kind of funny to see us all wearing these in the house, but it is (hopefully) going to keep us all safe. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I can't get sick, Zack certainly can't , so we do everything we can to stay healthy. 

I start the laundry and vacuuming of the house. I sterilize the bathrooms, door knobs, etc..... the routine continues of sterilization in the house. That is the most control I have to keep this at bay. Zack stays in his room and looks up more trucks for sale, his mood is better, though he isn't quite himself. I'm sure he will be thinking about the coming week, until we know on Tuesday what the week has in store for us. Frank is sitting outside on the patio, the weather is beautiful today so he wants to get as much fresh air as possible. After awhile Zack asks to go and hang out with his friends. Frank is frustrated because Zack keeps leaving, he feels he should help around the house and work on his schoolwork. Though I agree with him, I would rather him be out of the house away from any possible threat of catching anything, once I explain that to Frank he is more understanding. I also assure him that Zack will not be going anywhere next week until his schoolwork is current. This has become and unfortunate theme for us these days. 

I run out to the store to get more sterilization products and folders to keep all the medical bills and EOB's (Explanation of Benefits) from the insurance company in order. The bills are coming from so many directions I must have them in some semblance of order. When I return home, I fix some chicken soup for Frank with the hopes that he will be able to eat it all. He does seem to be getting better, but now he is pretty weak. Zack comes in to tell us he is going up to Chris' house for a bonfire (or firepit). We instruct him to be back home by 9 pm which is his driving restriction. I again am staying in the bedroom and finishing up the laundry, playing my games on FB and attempting to finish the blog before I fall asleep at the laptop again.

I am learning more and more that I have little or no control over anything these days. Perhaps I never have had control (even when I fooled myself into thinking I did). I am learning that change is inevitable and I can either fight it or go with it. I'm too tired to fight anything right now except taking care of  my"men". Oh.. and myself  (I will get fussed at if I didn't mention that one!!).  

As I keep up with Face Book friends and acquaintances  I follow a young mother and wife who's husband is battling his fifth time with this horrible disease. First diagnosed at age 13 in the spine, I try not to compare, but the fear is always there. He just finished another surgery where they thought the tumor was benign only to find it was Ewings.. again!! His case is different, but we have a kinship. We know what this feels like, we know the fear, the lack of control, the journey and the renewed strength we must find each and every day. 

Gratitude... is contagious!

Two weeks of radiation down and three more to go! That's how we have to learn to see things. Zack's final radiation treatment of the week went quite smoothly today. We arrived at our usual 9 am appointment and within 15 minutes we were back on the road.. I had plans to spend most of the day with Nancy and Zack was going to hang out with his friends. I had told Zack that it was better if we stay away from home and let Frank continue to rest. 

Zack is excited, he has the rest of the day and evening to hang out with his friends. On the way to treatment I called his "other" Mamma , Melanie and asked if it was possible for him to stay with them tonight. I explained my concern about him staying in the house with Frank still sick. I know I'm probably OVERLY protective, but I need to know that I am doing everything possible to keep him safe. Zack has been doing his share to stay safe as well. As soon as he enters the house he puts on his surgical mask (we bought a pile of them for us and guests when they are needed). He makes sure to wash his hands and uses hand sanitizer. Since I wear turtle necks most of the time, I have a built in mask, of course I'm still cleaning everything in the house and spraying the Lysol. 

Zack has a bounce in his step today. His color looks good and he is a little (too) excited about maybe not going into the hospital next week. I asked him if we were supposed to pack just in case, he looks at me and says "Mom, you know we never know one day from the next what is going to happen, we just have to be prepared." Excuse me??? I thought Frank and I were the ones that taught him that!!, well Scouts gets some credit too. So, it seems my son is taking these "changes" better than his Mamma, whom has never handled change well. 

I decided it would be easier for Zack to get around by just letting him keep my car. We run a few errands  like drop off his loaner cell phone (his replacement arrived within 24 hours!), mail out the broken phone, return some pants that didn't fit him. He is finally ready to drop me off at Target, where Nancy and I agree to meet for lunch and some window shopping. It was bittersweet seeing him drive off (especially in MY car). I have been in protective mode- overkill of late and know that I can't smother him. 

Nancy and I had a great time just being "girls". Taking our time shopping, having a wonderful lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant and then more shopping. I was lucky enough to find a cute affordable new purse (yes my weakness) and a pretty new jacket. As I do every month, I also grabbed some Lindt and Ghirardelli chocolates for the Nurses, Doctors and Social Workers at the Clinic. I love to give them just a little something as a Thank You for taking such good care of Zack. I still can't understand how they can care for children with these horrible diseases day in and day out and still continue to smile. It takes a very special breed and we are so grateful for having found them. I check in with Frank to see how he is feeling, which unfortunately was not much better, he thinks the fever has finally broken but is very sore. I then check on Zack who is having lunch with Chris L. and then plans on going to hang out at Drakes until school is out. It is now around 3 pm and Nancy and I decide to wrap up our day. 

Nancy drops me off at home and I find Frank on the patio reading his book with the ever faithful Sidi by his side. He is starting to feel worse again, with the fever returning and a head and body aches. This seems like the very thing that Nancy had a week ago and it took over 8 days to clear up. Now more than ever I am glad that Zack is away and I again start to clean everything up.

Frank tells me that he is going to sleep on the couch tonight, he just can't stay flat on his back for another day and night, so I run into the bedroom, change all the linens and decide that I can reclaim the bed and possibly, finally get a good night's sleep. I manage to make a couple of jokes teasing Frank and get him to laugh a bit. It's so hard to see him sick, he is usually quite healthy. This simply will have to run its course and I will continue to play musical beds / couches based on his comfort level. Zack checks in and is with Chris F. and his family where he will be spending the night. He is still feeling well and is glad to be able to hang out with his friends. 

As I lay in bed checking my emails, Facebook and start to write the blog, I see a message from one of my new found friends. I "met" Jen on the Sarcoma website and befriended her on FB.  Her husband ( I might have mentioned in previous blogs) was 13 when first diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma in the spine. He just today had surgery (his cancer has returned and successfully been treated four times before). Her post stated that they were surprised to find the tumor was Ewings.. again... Freaking out I called Nancy, we had just spoken of this at lunch, how each case is so different and how Zack, who's cancer was in the soft tissue NOT a major organ or in the blood or bone has very good odds (85% after treatments) of it never returning. Nancy calms me down reminding me of our lunchtime conversation. She also reminds me to watch something funny to change my thinking. She is right! Of course do I take her advise? Nooooot really!! I watch three episodes of "Hoarders". Oh well, ever the HGTV girl. 

As I lay in bed, I read on Face Book the many things that people are grateful for this month.  I am reminded of the things that I am to am grateful for: the many days my son is "allowed" to have as close to a normal life as possible, that my husband and my relationship is better than it has been in many years, that our friends are the best out there and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world and especially blessed to still have my mother in my life who loves and supports us. 

 “Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted–a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

Don't forget the mask!

What a difference a day makes. Zack went with family friend, Matt yesterday morning and they were back in Brevard by 11 am having completed another radiation treatment. Zack was and continues to be in a better mood. Unfortunately I can't say the same for Frank, who came to bed with 101.5 fever, chills and aches. I immediately bolted out of bed, grabbed my pillows and headed to the couch. We have been given instructions that should any of us get sick, we have to stay away from Zack and keep our masks on at all times, everyone wash their hands A LOT and spray disinfectant. Luckily we have a can of Lysol and have been spraying the house ever since.

Frank continued to feel bad through the day, so when Zack returned home I told him he must stay away from Frank and stay in his room.  He did manage to go out to lunch with his friends and had some time to hang out with them. When he returned home He didn't even seem to mind being in his room, at least he feels he is in control. He managed to get some schoolwork done.

My paranoia has set in. I run around the house spraying the air, wiping down door knobs, handles on cabinets, bleaching sinks and countertops. We have to do everything possible to keep Zack safe from whatever it is Frank has. With little sleep the first night on the couch, last night wasn't much better.

The cat wanted in, the cat wanted out, the dog wanted to sleep on the couch with me, then cried at the bedroom door to get to Frank, then the dog wanted back on the couch, then the cat wanted back in the house, then she wanted food, then wanted to go in the bedroom with Frank. All in total, that took about two hours off my beauty sleep.  I woke up around 4 am and was determined to fall back asleep. When I woke up at 6:00 am STIFF NECK!!! I mean could not turn head to the left STIFF. I probably should have just stayed up when I first woke up!

Frank is already up and in the home office preparing to send his employee out for the day. Now I don't know if this is true of all men vs.women but when I wake up, I almost tiptoe so as not to wake anyone else in the house. When Frank wakes up, he wants to make sure EVERYONE including the ants... are awake. Bam Bam Bam (he doesn't pick up the stapler to staple papers together, He beats the stapler to a pulp while it sits on the desk). He goes into the kitchen to make coffee, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG. I hear everything because we have an open concept kitchen / living/ dining room which is my temporary bedroom. OoooooKAY!!! I'M UP!!!! (I said to myself!)

I go into Zack's room, wake him up to remind him he is taking me into work . Granny Linda is bringing him to his radiation and labs today. I told them to take my car so she doesn't have wear on hers. She asks if it's okay to leave him and go see Big John. Of course that works out perfectly for everyone. I head into work and am so thankful because I have two (and I'm not just saying this people!) of the best Chiropractors that are willing and able to work on my neck. I managed to make it through the morning shift of patients and by the time Doc Nancy is there I'm ready for some magic. Let's just say it took a lot of TLC but I was able to finish up the day with a lot less pain, of course as the night progressed the pain increased again but with advice from Docs Steve and Nancy to use ice and then heat I'm sure I will be back good as new tomorrow.

 

I walked over to Mom's booth at lunchtime, it is just a couple of blocks from the office. Mom gave me bags of  new jewelry and Zack and I had picked up Christmas decorations the last time we were out. They are having a Holiday Open house on Saturday (which I'm hoping I can attend for a while) and they asked that all the booths be decorated for the season. I spent about an hour and a half, rearranging, dusting and putting up decorations. It was quite therapeutic and always fun to decorate.

Zack calls me and tells me we don't have to go back to the clinic until Tuesday. He is supposed to go into the hospital for his Chemo treatment next week, but they have already told him , he more than likely will not be going in as his counts have been too low. I remind him that we will more than likely be in the hospital at Thanksgiving and is he prepared for that. He says "we don't do anything anyway, so yea I'm okay with that, are you?" I tell him as long as he is okay, so am I. He is kind of looking forward to maybe not going in next week. He still has to go for radiation tomorrow and Monday, but tomorrow will be a short day for him. My plan is to take him and once finished meet Nancy for a couple of hours of girl time, which is long overdue for us.

As I am finishing up the day, Zack calls and asks if he can go to a bonfire with the FFA from school. No one is sick and he can visit with some of his friends for a couple of hours.  How can I say no? If he were at home he would have to stay in his room because Frank still has a fever. So I tell him to pick me up at work at 8 pm and that will give him plenty of time to see his friends and I can get the weeks work wrapped up.

We arrive at home and Frank is once again "kicked" into the bedroom and I start the sterilization of the house. He has decided to go to the doctor tomorrow to see what is going on. I'm sure it is nothing serious, but he doesn't like being sick and is worried he is not getting better. I make up my bed on the couch, plug in the  heating pad and Zack comes into the living to watch Big Bang Theory and catch up on the days events.

The long and short of it!

What a way to start the day! Zack comes out of his room angry. He starts hitting himself, the bed, pretty much anything he can hit his into. He had to start drinking a lot of water last night, (to ensure hydration for todays treatment).  He fell asleep around 10 pm and when he woke up this morning his phone was lying in a puddle of water (where the glass of ice had melted and left water on his nightstand.) It turned on but he couldn't do half of the programs that are loaded on it. He was SO angry and somehow I know it's more than just the phone. He wakes up and right now all he has to look forward to is... well..... if I can't answer that, I'm not sure he can. I assure him that we have insurance and will get a replacement phone today so that he can still communicate with his friends. 

Okay, we already know that "wishing" for a short day doesn't make it so. Zack and I arrive in time for his 9 AM radiation treatment. Fifteen minutes later they are done and we go upstairs in the center to see if they can fit him in early for his chemotherapy (our original appointment was for 11 am). Within 30 minutes, the port is accessed and we are told his counts are too low, so he needs a blood transfusion.  They explained that his count needs to be at least a 10 when undergoing both chemo and radiation. A higher count than when just on chemo because the radiation also kills more cells (both good and bad). Usually if it is around 8 and he is just having chemo, they can wait a couple of days for the transfusion, however, undergoing both treatments they can't wait as he will become too weak. Melanie tells us to go ahead and get his phone exchanged as it will take about two hours for the blood to arrive.

We drive about 10 miles up the road from the center and file an insurance claim with US Cellular (in my opinion THE BEST!!! cell phone company out there....) A new phone is on its way and will be here by Friday. In the meantime they have given him a loaner phone so he will still be in touch with his friends. We stop and grab lunch to take back to the center and arrive with 30 minutes to spare until the blood arrives. 

Zack's frame of mind is our main concern today. There are days when it is school work, friends, boredom and maybe even what his next vehicle should be. But when It comes to his state of mind that's when I call in the big guns! Once we returned it didn't take long before he was asleep while receiving the transfusion. At one point he woke up when the machine was beeping and I thought he was going to throw it through the window in the door. He became so angry, just like this morning with his phone. I had to be firm, but yet try and calm him down. I jumped up and turned off the sound, he looked at me and fell back into a deep sleep. I went out to get the nurse and ran into Dr. Bottom. I explained to her about his anger and frustration. The consensus was that "he is soo over it!" She, the nurses and the caseworker all are in agreement. They explained that most of us think it must be so difficult for young babies and toddlers to have to go through all of this, but their experience has been that it is much harder for teenagers, they already have their life set up, friends, proms, school, etc.... When their lives are disrupted, they don't adjust as easily. They also have a better understanding of what is going on and the risks. I'm not sure I agree 100%, after seeing a two month old little girl getting a transfusion and screaming at the top of her lungs. I think this pretty much sucks, no matter what age you are.

They had offered to have Buddy, (a minister) come in and talk with him. They said all the teenagers love to talk with him. I told them that there really wasn't a connection with Zack, when they had met previously a couple of times. He is a very nice man, but Zack never really talked with him that much. It turned out that he wasn't even working today, so they called Miriam in (one of the social workers) to talk or just listen. The staff suggested that I leave them alone in case he would open up more (they don't really know that Zack pretty much tells it like it is to us all and doesn't hold back ) but I obliged and went into the front room to give them some space.  Little did I know, that was exactly what I needed. The minute I was in the room alone, I sobbed and released a whole days worth of tension. My old fears came back. What if I'm not doing enough for him. What if I am screwing up his life by making him have these treatments. I KNOW what "they" tell us, on an intellectual level.I know the facts and the odds and there is no way I could or would risk him not having the treatment, but on an emotional level, if I were Zack, I would hate me! Nancy calls me  ( as if she knew), but I'm in such a state that nothing anyone says can comfort me. Bottom line... I'm okay when Zack's okay. Isn't that a normal response for any parent?

I go back into the room and Miriam told me that Zack mentioned he "might" be interested in a special counselor who works with teens in treatment. Of course, we have offered this to Zack before, but if they know someone who deals especially with this issue, we are 100% in favor. Zack is still down, but the closer we get to the time to leave, the more alert he becomes.

We finish up with the transfusion and then at 5:30 pm he is given the chemo (Vincristine, which is usually just a push into his port). We were out the door by 6:00 pm. As we get ready to head over to see our dear friend Amy, (Drake's Dad, Bill, is her sweetie) who had surgery today. We are given permission for Zack to go into the hospital as long as he wears a mask, but the Doctor also very firmly tells Zack to make sure he is taking his Lovenox, "with your numbers so low and the radiation, we don't want you to have a coronary embolism." OKAY, let's not scare the shit out of mother and son please!! We know every risk, but geez freak a woman and boy out!! Zack is still giving himself shots in the stomach twice a day to avoid blood clots.  He still HATES this with great passion! He is now going on three months of the shots.

We see Amy, Bill and meet Amy's mother . We visit for a short while and for the first time today, I see Zack smile and actually laugh. Amy and Bill are his second "parents", and they can bring out the best in him as well. We excuse ourselves as we are exhausted and hungry. We decided to stop, grab dinner and eat in the car on the way, after being gone nearly 12 hours we are anxious to get home. We are greeted by Sidi, Anubus and of course Frank who had just arrived from hanging out with his fishing buddy Matt. He is the friend that will taking Zack for his radiation tomorrow. Granny Linda is going to bring Zack on Thursday, when he needs radiation and then labs. She can drop him off,  go and see John (father in law) at the nursing home and when Zack is ready, come back to pick him up.

The only thing we can do as we end this day is hope tomorrow is better. Hope that Zack's day will be easier and his spirits are up. 

Who you calling OCD?

The past couple of days have been filled with house cleaning, leaf blowing, laundry and school work and on Monday work.  Zack finally received his report card with all A's. He is wondering why he got all top grades when he is behind in turning in all his work. I explain that the grades are based on what he has turned in to date. I know the teachers are cutting him some slack and not setting deadlines. He still has to complete everything by Christmas vacation when this semester is finished. He will then be a graduate, but will wait to cross the stage with his friends in May/June. He just finished his Senior Paper, which is a requirement in our school system. There is usually a project attached to the paper, but since his car caught on fire and his project was to paint it,  he was exempt. 

Zack's mood has been pretty good. He gets tired faster than in previous days. This is something we were told to keep an eye on, "normal' after radiation, is what they tell us. I checked out the area on the back of his leg and it looks pretty good. No signs of blistering, though we have been advised that it could take up to ten days after treatment to show up. This morning he went with Drake, who had asked his Dad if he could take the day off from school to take him to his treatment. They arrived and were already back in town by 11 AM. A short day, which Zack loves! We aren't sure what tomorrow is going to bring, He and I will go for radiation first at 9am and then at 11am we are to be upstairs at the center for chemotherapy. His color is off a bit, so we're hoping they don't have to give him another blood transfusion. He isn't thrilled when he has to have them, mostly because it can take up to two to three hours just for the blood to arrive and then another two for the transfusion. 

Even though he goes for radiation daily, we already have friends lined up for this week to bring  him when we are not able. Everyone is so eager to help and we're not surprised. We have always known how amazing our friends and family are. A day doesn't go by that we are not grateful for so much good that is coming to us.

I made it to my counseling / acupuncture appointment today. After having to cancel twice previously, it was nice to be able to share, though I really didn't feel the "need" today as things have been running pretty smoothly. As I'm talking with Jim and telling him how everything is under control, he looks at me and before I knew what hit me, I realize that my OCD was back... with a vengeance. As I'm telling him what I have been doing lately, he asks what have you changed about your schedule? My response? "Nothing". Okay, so I haven't taken the time to really think about that statement until today. I realize keeping busy means not to have to REALLY think about our situation, something I do very well. Even Zack says to me "Mom, I had my shot, I did my schoolwork, I did the trash and dishes, can you please throw MY list away! OCD Much?"  So, my homework for the next month is to rest when tired, not jump up and create something else to do. Maybe even let some things go undone and take the time to breathe and just "be". Yea.... I'll let you know how THAT goes!

Plans..............what plans?

We had an interesting start to the day. I had a day full of plans and lets just say, it works out better when you can open a window and throw out the plans. You'll end up having a lot more fun! Since we weren't able to have the Galaxie (Zack's car that burned) towed last weekend, we decided to give it another chance today. It worked out perfectly. The tow company came out to the house, picked up the car and had us follow him to Dana. (a small suburb of Hendersonville, just 45 minutes away). 

Zack was sad to see it being pulled up on the tow truck. As usual, I filmed and took still shots. Zack teased me and said "only you would want to record the worst day of my life!" I ask if this is really the worse day? He said "no, not really, but I loved that car." As we follow behind the truck I put my phone on video to record the car being towed, ( I know, I'm weird that way). The funniest part of all of this was a song that came on the radio at the time of the recording. Zack loves Country music and the song was something like, "I can't leave my love alone, can't be without her...." Zack and I burst out laughing, he looks at me and says "I told you my life was a Country song!" Thank God he has a good sense of humor and is in such good spirits. If he was not in a good space, I wouldn't have even towed it today.  We arrived at the scrapyard, they weighed the car and Zack then followed the truck to take off the new tires that we had just purchased. His plan is to resell them on the internet. He can then take that money and put it towards his next vehicle. 

  

We head out, Zack says goodby to his first love and we decide to grab lunch. He is very thirst today, this is not uncommon from the treatments. He gets very hot too and starts to perspire easily, another side effect he hates. As we are eating lunch I see his mood change, he all of a sudden is tired and doesn't want to eat. He tells me that he feels okay, but all of a sudden can't eat, (also not uncommon). While having lunch I receive a call from my younger sister in law, Jamie, and since we are only a few miles down the road from her house, we go ahead and stop by her house to say hi. Zack stands in the entrance to the living room, and once again we are all reminded of just how tall this guy really is. As always, I have to snap a picture and he obliges with yet another funny expression on his face. 

After about an hour, we headed over to Mom's house to bring Bob some sinus medicine and Moms long lost coat that was left in Jamies car months ago. Since Frank and his fishing buddy, Matt, went to see the fly fishing expo at the agricultural center, we decided to hang out and visit with Mom and Bob for a while. We had a great visit. This was the second time this week that we had a chance to see them. Zack was very talkative and lively. He started to feel better again, also not uncommon. We have certainly learned to go with the ups and downs, Zack most of all has learned to cope and deal with every situation as it comes. His friends have texted him all day and want him to come over for a bonfire tonight. He asks if he can go as long as he works on his schoolwork all day tomorrow, so we strike a deal. The rest of the today off for a full day tomorrow. Frank and I relax and catch up on the days events.

When we arrive home, Frank calls, is finished with the expo and heading home. Zack and I clean up the area where the car had been and I pull out the leaf blower (one of my favorite toys) to finish with clean up. Zack heads out to his friends house while I finish up. Frank arrives home and grabs the rake to help pull leaves out of small corners. We wrap up in a few minutes and head into the house for dinner and a night of relaxation. 

As I said, the plans that I had for the day didn't necessarily pan out, but a better day was had by us all. 

"Mom, will my eyes stay this way?"

Yes, this photo describes our day perfectly! Zack and I headed out for radiation first thing this morning and were finished by 10:30 am. I headed across the street to the Hospital to see a friend who is now okay and back home. We then head to Hendersonville to see Mom and pick up her jewelry for her booth on Main Street here in Brevard (Eclectic Cottage on Main Street).

Momo went with us for lunch at Denny's (where the the goofy photo was taken). Zack has been tired, but other than that he was feeling well. He hasn't had a blood transfusion in a couple of weeks (the week off, really helped his body heal) and is still going strong. We were both glad to be able to spend some time with Mom and see Uncle Bob. 

Once we were finished with lunch we went to a couple of stores to try and find a pair of overalls that would actually fit Zack. We finally were able to find a pair and THIS is where THIS photo opportunity came from. Zack was trying on cowboy hats, yes, he now wants one. I decided to show him how I looked in one and he said "AH....... NO!".  Hey we were having fun, so why not share the good times too! Our shopping was trip was short as Zack was getting tired fast. They did say the radiation treatments could do that, so we were not surprised. As Mom and Zack sit in the car, I run into the local salvage store to see if they carry kitchen doors. I have decided that I could replace the doors instead of the entire kitchen, (something that we are not in a position to do for quite awhile).  Both Zack and Mom tease me about NOT buying floor tile, NOT buying sinks, or anything else.. I tell them I have left my purse in the car and we all get a good laugh! I return about ten minutes later with excitement, they do carry the doors and at $5.00 a piece affordable for sure. Of course that is going to be a project for a little later, maybe a good winter project. 

Once we go back to Mom's house, Zack lays down and takes a short nap. Wanting to get a little exercise, I vacuum up some of the leaves in Moms yard. She bought this new gadget last year at my request. It is so much fun, it mulches the leaves as they are vacuumed up into the bag. I know, it doesn't take much to thrill me. After about an hour, Zack and I head home, order a pizza and Frank joins us for a movie on TV.

All said, it was a very nice, calm day. The weather was beautiful, company great and seeing my "boy" smile and be silly made my day! 

Students and Teachers Unite!!!

How quickly we adapt! Yesterday, Frank and I are up early to go to our respective jobs. Zack wakes up, a little grumpy because he is nauseous. Week one of the new month of chemo is always the worst, this is the strongest treatment in the shortest amount of time. He is heading out with his friend Chris to go for his Neulasta shot and third day of radiation. He is less stressed now because he already is in a new routine and understands the procedures.

He calls me once everything is done and they are on their way back by 1pm. He needs to stop at Walmart to return a pair of overalls that didn't quite fit and then knows that he is to be home doing his school work. Chris assures me as well, that they will get back asap and Zack will get started on his work.

Once I return home from work, he tells me that his friends wanted him to come up and see them, but he told them that until he is caught up with all his school work he can't go anywhere. He knows his "grounding" is finished but wants to get his work done. (Whew.. Thank the Lord!!!)

It is Thursday and Zack is scheduled for the radiation only. (GEEZ... ONLY... SHE SAYS!!). He has decided to go alone, it is a 45 minute drive one way and the treatment shouldn't take more than 15 minutes. He says "I'll be back before you know it Mom!" I am anxious. So much has hit this kid in such a short time. He just got his drivers license in June and already he is driving so much!! He is a cautious driver, he doesn't like to take the interstate there, he stays on 25 which is a two lane road and quieter. As agreed he texts me when he arrives for his 9 am appointment. Then around 11 he calls and says that he is almost back in town and would love to go have lunch with some friends at the High School. His counts are good, so I tell him to go to the front office and make sure it's okay with them (if any sickness  is going around they know to tell him). They all eat outside on the lawn, so as not to be in an enclosed room with a large crowd. All of his friends are very conscientious with regards to his health and keeping him safe. He had a nice lunch and a couple of kids told him about fundraisers they are doing for him, but "your mother is going to get the money for you!" He tells them that's totally cool and how much he appreciates everything! After lunch he was able to see most of his teachers, get some more work from one of them and was on his way home.

He calls me from home and tells me he is going to sleep a bit. He is all of a sudden tired again. He tells me that they were ready for him at the radiology department, but he had to wait to meet with the radiologist  (a new routine on Thursdays) so he sat for 45 minutes just to shake hands and tell the Doctor that he is doing okay. He did notice though, on the way home from Asheville, he had to stop a couple of times to rest. He didn't want to fall asleep while driving ( THANK GOD!) so he stopped. He tells me that he doesn't think he can do this alone as he had previously hoped. "I'm glad you are honest with us, that is all we needed to hear, we got you covered!" and with that as my heart sank for him, I told him to go and rest. 

We had all agreed in the very beginning that we had to be 100%  honest about everything! If Zack felt I was "smothering" him, too over protective, if he was hurting, sad, mad whatever is going on, we need to know. He showed us today that we can trust him. He did say however, that he didn't want me to take him all the time, "Mom, there just so many hours in a day a kid wants to spend with his Mother!!"  I teased right back and said "You think I want to spend time with a 17 year old, girl staring, truck talking redneck?"  We all had a good laugh. As it turns out, one of Franks clients works out of his home and has asked if he could help bring Zack to any of his treatments, just to let him know. Zack worked with Frank on a water feature at his house a couple of years ago and he was very impressed with Zack. He has five kids of his own and can't imagine going through this with any of them. We of course, have family and other friends offer to help  as well.

One of the teachers, who had escorted the High School Art Guild students to Washington DC last year, came by the office.  She has a large white square in her hands and says "are you ready?".. as she opens the squares start to drop, one by one, as I read Z A C K We miss you!! I see all the signatures and notes that are written all over each square, until there is no more room to write.  She tells me that she, other teachers and students put this together and had everyone sign their wishes for Zack. They wanted him to know that even though he is not in school, they are thinking about him all the time and how much they all miss him. (Especially the girls!!! she said) She was telling me how Zack made her feel safe when in DC, "we were walking around and I felt so protected next to Zack, I knew no one would mess with us, and they didn't." I had a hard time not crying and she said "oh wait until you read some of the notes." She was right, I had to grab a kleenex on more than one occasion before the "card" made it home. I thanked her and told her how hard this past weekend had been for him. He loves people and misses being in school and hanging out with his friends. He knows that people are thinking about him, but at times feels very alone. She said "well maybe now he will realize how much he is loved and missed." I had to agree, how could he not! 

Toward the end of the day, I'm closing down the office when the phone rings. It is Zack, "are you coming home for dinner? I'm cooking!" "well if you're cooking I better get home then!" He laughs and tells me "Dad told me I was in charge of dinner, so.... it will be ready soon." 

I bring home the "card", dinner is ready and he is in his room. I show Frank  and he is amazed at all the work and love that went into creating it. I call Zack's name as I stand in the hall just outside his room. He opens the door "YEEEESSSSS?" "HOLY SHIT!!" (sorry that's what he said, he is his mother's child). "What the....." He looks at it and his eyes light up. He is so excited! He asks where it came from and can't believe all the signatures around his name and the note. He takes it from my hands and I remind him "anytime you feel that you are alone and no one is thinking about you, look at this and be reminded that you are loved and missed and people, lots of people are out there thinking about you and your journey" He hangs it up in his room and a few moments later comes out and says "there are a lot of signatures and notes, some from people I don't even know!" He is so excited and couldn't stop hugging me. A Mom couldn't ask for anything more!