Friday, February 8, 2013

Old Fears return

Thursday was a great day. Zack was feeling well from his double transfusion and platelets. He ran around with his friends before and after they got out of school. He went to an FFA meeting and enjoyed hanging out with those friends for awhile as well. Frank and I worked an ordinary day, the weather was cold but nice, so he was able to finish up his contract. Friday will start working on his maintenance clients so our income should become more steady.

Today started out nice and relaxing and is ending with anxiety. I spent the morning re arranging pictures and mirrors in the bedroom, (again, my own form of therapy). Chris came over to visit with Zack for several hours. He wasn't working today and this is the first time in awhile that they have had time to hang out. They took my car to go and get pizza and run a couple of errands for me. While I was redoing the room, Chris and Zack, at my request, would offer their opinions as to what looked good or not. They approved of the final results. 

As usual, I moved my way through the house, loading the dishwasher, starting laundry and straightening up. When Chris left, within a few minutes Austin came by. Zack's mood continued to be really good. There was talk about having a fire up at Chris' house tonight. It was nice to see him with his friends and planning more fun for the evening. 

I noticed that he was staying on the couch most of the day.When the time came, he decided he didn't feel like going out tonight. He was in a great mood all day, enjoying his friends company, watching TV and just relaxing. I was in the home office getting our yearly personal tax information together. Knowing it would take me all day, I let Zack know that I would be available if he needed me. I thought it strange that he was sticking around all day and my gut feeling was something was going on and he wasn't ready to talk just yet. 

Later in the evening I questioned why he wasn't going up to Chris' house. He said his leg was chaffing and it hurt to walk on it. I asked where and he said where the tumor had been. He said that Frank guessed that it was chaffing and he was to put lotion on it after taking a shower. While in the shower Frank told me that Zack didn't want to show him the area that hurts. My anxiety level increased immediately. The two of them can get into heated discussions about their disagreements. I didn't want this to turn into another argument. I know Frank is scared, we both are. We don't yet know if we can trust Zack to tell us everything that is going on. He hates to show his leg to anyone, hates to talk about what's going on and we are trying to teach him that he needs to tell us EVERYTHING! 

He steps out of the shower and I ask to see his leg. Angry, he shows me and as I gently touch the area and he jumps, there is a bump . It is circular and appears to be a blemish, but my heart sank. I figured out that he felt the area and fear set it. Why wouldn't it? I freaked out, but couldn't show it. Frank comes in and put antibiotic ointment on the area and we tell him that even though we suspect it is a blemish we must show it to the Doctors on Tuesday. My first instinct is to rush him to the Cancer Center, but I know that is over reacting BIG TIME!!! It all comes rushing back to the first time I saw the tumor. Why can't we get a break? Why does he constantly have to go through another thing? I try and get him to talk to me and he just lays on his stomach with his head in the pillow angry. I let him know that I will be checking on him and will be there anytime he wants to talk. He turns off the TV and throws his phone on his chair. 

I start to cry as I leave his room, but hide it so he doesn't see me. Frank goes to the front porch and just sits there. We all are coping the only way we know how. Throughout the night I go in and check on him. The lights are out now but he is awake. I sit on the floor next to him and manage to get a few words out of him. He simply tells me he is pissed and will be better tomorrow. Having been there several times ourselves, we leave him alone and let him know we are only a few feet away. 

Today, was a great day. Tonight pretty rough and with hope and prayers tomorrow will be better again. 

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