I find that fear builds up inside of me until I become numb. I had horrible dreams all night, waking up every two hours or so and checking in on Zack. I check his phone plug to make sure it is in a safe location, check that his laptop is on a solid surface so the fan can breathe instead of on his chair. I start to have anxiety again, since finding the other bump on his leg. The reality is always that this could return. I feel more at this point that it is a deep seeded fear rather than a reality, but until confirmation from the Doctor that all is well, I continue feeling anxious.
I have had comments from some that they don't hear from me. I know they are concerned, but when I'm in this place, it's hard to pick up the phone. What do I say? What do they say? They don't know any more than we do at this point. I don't feel like hearing "it's all okay!". No it's not!! My kid has been hurting, again, for several days!! What's okay about that!? From fear, comes anger. Another good reason to "hide out" as I am guaranteed to offend.
Zack woke up still having a hard time walking, but his spirits are up a bit more. The bump on his leg is very dark in color, but Frank says that is also a result from the skin that was burned from the radiation. It appears to be opening up. He asks to go up to Drake's house around noon for a couple of hours, but when he gets up there he finds that he hasn't returned yet from his grandparents house. So, he tells me later, he drives around, goes to Walmart parking lot to see if any of his friends are hanging around there, (in a small town like Brevard there aren't too many places for kids to go) but no one showed up, so he returned home.
At 4 pm we were expected at Jamie's house for Abby's 9th Birthday party (sister in law and niece). I really wasn't in the mood to go anywhere. We never know if things are going to go smoothly or if there will be some form of drama, (something I'm sure almost every family can relate to). Zack was the one to say we should make an appearance and just see how it goes. As we head out I get a phone call and it is then that I realize we were supposed to bring a Mexican dish. On our way there we stop and pick up salsa, guacamole and cheese dip with tortilla chips. I figure at least finger foods would keep anyone from starving. Everything turned out really well. Everyone was very loving, kind and caring towards us. There was laughter and when it came time to sing Happy Birthday to Abby, SHE was the one that started the song. It was hilarious! At one point Shawn (sister in law) walked up to me and giving me a loving hug whispered to me "You know I'm a phone call away, you can always call me." I simply responded "it's easier for me to hide."
On our way home, we stop by and give Mom and Bobby a hug. Jamie lives only a few blocks away, so there isn't any way that we can be that close and not stop by. Shortly after, we drive home and life continues as usual. There is laundry to finish and dishes to wash. Zack comes up to me and gives me a big hug. He asks if he can go up to Drakes for a couple of hours and promises he will take it easy. With a curfew of 9 pm he is out the door. Of course around the time he is supposed to be home, he calls and asks if he can spend the night and be home by 10 the next day. Since we know he could possible have a rough rest of the week, we decide it's okay.
Tomorrow is a full days work for me and hopefully if the rain stops, Frank as well. My high school friend Sue and I are meeting for lunch to celebrate her Birthday as well. Zack will take it easy as we have a full day of chemo on Tuesday. This is the one he hates, as it makes him very sick and he also has to drink this really nasty stuff called Mesna. It is so bad, he has to hold his nose while drinking it. He tells Frank "he's glad he's moving on with it, but at the same time he hates it."
One thing for sure is, tomorrow is another day and hopefully with work and seeing Sue, my mood will turn around.
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