Some days are diamonds, Some days it gets OLD!!

New image from Amy, she noted, "go home well" across top, this is a program that takes the words from my blogs and creates this artwork. Too fun!!!

Zack had very little sleep last night, as did I. He moved from the bed, to the rocker and finally ended up on (as the nurses like to call) , the "chinese torture chamber" they call a sofa. There he sleeps better, but then the machine goes off every two hours, beep... beep..beep.... louder and louder. He hits the silence button, calls for the nurse.... beep...beep...beep.... After ten minutes or so she enters the room, changes out the IV fluid bag and we are back asleep. My mattress (one of two) decides to let the air out in the center. Yes, I have my head up high and my feet up high and my butt on the floor. If I wasn't so tired I too would laugh, it was quite the picture. Especially when trying to get out of it to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

We finally are awakened at 8 am. Surprisingly I am not grumpy, nor is Zack. He had two units of blood last night and we are told that he will get his chemo in about two hours. Good!! Let's get this started. We are already in the hospital for a full day (which we find out later, extends our exit day to Monday). Zack is in a much better state of mind than yesterday. As the evening progressed, he started to come back and through ice, cups, anything he could find. I could see a tiny bit of glimmer in his eyes. This morning he looks at me and says "MOM,  GET OUT OF HERE, GO TO WORK, I'M FINE!!!" I tell him he is my priority and if he needs or wants me to stay it is okay!! He says "NO, I want to be alone, I'm even going to text my friends and tell them to call first before coming to see if I'm up to visitors." He tells me he plans on sleeping most of the day anyway. With the understanding from him, the nurses and the doctor that I am just a phone call away, I shower, get dressed and head out the door by 9.

At lunch I call to see how he is. It is my old "boy" again! "Mom, I found some tires for the ATV, I can order them and they will be here by next week, THAT will give me something to look forward to." I can work on the ATV and start riding it around when I get home!" He then tells me he has had the chemo and is tired, but feeling okay. I remind him he is getting another two units of blood tonight and I let him know that they are coming (by ambulance, which he is kind of excited about) at 1 PM to bring him over to the clinic to start marking his leg for the radiation treatment. They don't need us there and since the doctor and I are off on the same day, it is agreed that they can give Zack the papers for us to sign. He is glad we are staying on course. I tell him that Dad is bringing some of the items he forgot and I will bring his X-box tomorrow so he can have some games to play. He asks if I could bring some more cold tea mix for the Kuerig. I agree and am pleased that he is drinking that instead of sodas and Gatorade all the time.

Just hearing him sound better is all I needed to make it through the day. I call Mom, whom I know has been crying, knowing that yesterday was so hard for him. I let her know that he is doing much better and fill her in on the details. I can hear her start to cry and know that she too is relieved he is better. She loves that boy as if he were her own, she was there for his birth and helped raise him for the first five years when we were in the Antiques shop and traveled for shows together for weeks at a time. They have a special bond that will never be broken.

I can go to sleep knowing that Frank is there to take over. It will be a long week, but we will make it the best way we can. One step, minute, hour, day at a time.

The loss of a beloved pet....

No not Sidi my little Shitzhu whom I adore, nor my husbands valued, man eating cat ,Anubus. It was Lucy, the only finch left of a family of four. Ricky, Lucy, Ethel and Fred started out as our (Cagen Family Chiropractic) office companions, when it became to much to keep their cage clean I brought them home and found a perfect spot in the home office, on the middle shelf surrounded by Father Christmas figures, Landscaping books and yes, high enough that even our ubber hunter Anubus could not gain access. That was three years ago. One by one they passed until Lucy ("you got some splainen to do") was the only bird left standing. That is until today. I return from a night of no sleep at the hospital, a busy day at work and thought I would end the day with a great dinner with Shawn and Floyd ( in laws). WRONG!!! I come home, there at the door is Sidi and Anubus, excited to welcome me home. After much loving to and from them, I go into the home office (a daily routine) to say hello to Lucy. There she lay, upside down, eyes wide open in her nest. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the sight. I am so tired and now must say goodbye to my sweet little friend. Perhaps she has missed me banging away the keyboard in the office. Since I transferred everything to my laptop I rarely work in there anymore. Did she miss me? Did she die from heartache? Or did she just decide "I'm outta here!". I'm hoping it was the latter.

From what I understand Finches like to be in pairs. I couldn't bear to get her another mate, what if they hated each other? then what? separate cages? Oy Vay that's just too much for one human to handle. So, we say good by to our sweet songstress (yes she sang to us quite often and beautifully ). I quickly dispose of everything, cage included and place another "item" on the shelf. No more birds in cages, I will feed the ones that are free and can come and go as they please.

Hey where's the chemo?

Thanks Amy for the cool word cloud!!!

Zack and I head out early, around 9 am. His appointment for lab work is at 10 at the clinic. The closer we get to the clinic the moodier Zack gets. He snaps at me multiple times. I just take it, knowing that he is angry about going into the hospital. We arrive and he doesn't look anyone in the face, he holds his head down. He is fighting the tears. He is again weighed, temperature taken, blood pressure, the usual "dance" he does every time he enters the building. 

We are brought to the exam room, Angie is having problems getting his port to open so she can start to get blood for labs. This is the second time it closes, and she must use the medicine to get the blood to flow. She tells him to breathe, put your arm up, down, stick your chest out, she tries everything. He is not amused, usually one or all of these "tricks" get him to laugh, but not today. He is holding back the tears and can't wait for her to leave. He looks at me and apologizes for snapping, I tell him I understand it is not directed at me. Angie looks at me sad, she knows he is not having a good day and there is nothing anyone can do about it. She leaves and returns within 30 minutes. He is wiping his eyes, she looks at me and I mutter the words "crying", she nodes in understanding and sits down. She asks him if he needs a week off. She says "maybe the numbers won't be good and you can go home? it happens you know." He just nodes. She looks at me concerned and says "he can take a week off, the doctor will work with him if he really wants a week off." Me being the "stay on target person" looks at Zack and says "it's totally up to you sweetie, if you don't think you can handle it this week, we can postpone one week." I want to give HIM the choice, he has very few choices in this situation and I want him to feel like he has some control. He looks at me and then Angie and says "no, let just get it over with, either way I have to be here." Dr. Bottom comes in and looks concerned too. She gives Zack a big hug and tells him she totally understands what he is going through and hates that he must do so. She pulls me out into the hall and asks if we need to get someone to help him out, give him more activities, something to look forward to. She says "he has to have some fun things too, not just school work." I told her that I offered to bring his X-box but he didn't want to. I assured her I would bring it with me on Thursday when I come back, that way it will be there if he changes his mind.

His numbers come back and he is ready to go into the Hospital. It is 12 noon. He has already had one IV fluid, the port accessed and we have our room number. #389, a new room we haven't "tried" yet. He barely looks at anyone when we leave the clinic. They all have looks of concern on their faces. They have seen him down, but not like this.  We drive across the street, part the car and he sits in the car wiping his eyes again. What the hell am I supposed to do? I promise him that if there was any way I could go through this instead of him, I would do it gladly. There is nothing I can do. I can't buy him something to feel better, I can be his cheerleader, he just looks at me like he hates me at times. I know he is angry and he has every right to be. When you're that angry you don't want "Polly Anna" sitting next to you, telling you it's all going to be okay. 

We arrive in the room and call to the nurse to let her know we have arrived. Zack sits in the rocker as I start to unpack everything. A lamp with an attached outlet for his bedside table and cell phone, a smaller black lamp for the window sill so we don't have the bright hospital fluorescent lights shining all the time. My Kuerig coffee/ tea maker with a variety of drink cups for him to choose from. Cups, Forks, Slim Jims (his favorite snack these days). I hang up his shirts, put away his undergarments and shorts. His favorite scent is vanilla bean, so we spray that aroma around the room to get rid of the hospital smell. I bought a black footstool with storage, which is the perfect size for the rocker. We ask the nurse for the two mattress' that Frank or I sleep on when staying the night. I have a comforter and pillows from home and place the "bed" in a corner under the window. It is out of the way, but easily accessible  Within minutes the room looks more inviting. There is nothing that we do to hide the "medical equipment", but we can sure try and make it look as homey as possible. 

We are told by the nurse that the Doctor ordered two units of blood and fluids, so it will be awhile before the treatment starts. Rhonda calls, she is on her lunch break and offers to bring us food. Zack is despondent and doesn't want anything. I order for him anyway, telling him that he still has to eat something,  Rhonda arrives a few minutes later with lunch in hand, a smile on her face and looking like "Miss Biltmore" herself with her purple Biltmore sweater, white shirt and black pants. She determined that Hardees fries are better than Wendies, which means she snitched some of Zack's fries. I laugh, Zack is still not talking. He does manage to eat his burger and drink. Rhonda tries to engage him in conversation to no avail. She leaves to go back to work and promises to return for dinner. 

Zack and I spend the rest of the day napping, playing our new "noodle" game on our phones and watching dumb shows on TV. Nothing much is on cable ( I miss my Directv!). It takes several hours for him to get his blood and fluids. It is already 6:30 pm when the nurse comes in and announces that Zack will not be getting his chemo today. The doctor ordered it for first thing tomorrow morning, which means it will be Monday before we go home, I'm not sure that has quite hit Zack yet and I'm sure not going to be the one to bring that to his attention. We decide to settle in for the night, order Chinese to be delivered to the Hospital. Rhonda comes to join us for dinner, watches Iron Man with us and heads home around 9 pm. By the time she leaves, he is a throwing ice at me and teasing again. It is so good to see him better, He then mentions that he will be right back where he was when they come in with the treatment, but for tonight he can sleep well. 

I tell him that if he is not doing well tomorrow I will stay with him, for once he doesn't tell me it's okay to go. He usually says "I'll be fine Mom, GO!", but this time, he asks if we can wait and see how he feels in the morning. Having been reassured by Nancy to do what I need to do and not worry about the office, I assure Zack that no decision needs to be made until the morning.  We settle in for the night, he finally takes off his new boots and crawls into bed, the nurse tells us that he is on a slower drip of fluids so he can get a good night's sleep and not have to get up all night. He finally lets me give him a hug and kiss goodnight and makes some joke. My heart is at peace, at least for tonight.

The Highs and the Lows

How do you tell your kid it's going to be okay, that he must change his attitude about going into the hospital for yet another five days. That attitude is everything! With such an awesome weekend with his friends, the football game and today lunch at school with more friends, I come home to a very sad young man. He doesn't look like the man he has become. He is my little boy, sad, despondent and angry.

Of all the treatments, the hospital is the worse. He feels trapped, days of chemo take its toll on his spirit and his body. The first time he was nauseous the entire time. The second time he was soo tired and low on blood that he needed oxygen. What will this time bring? Each time we "try" and come up with a new system. Maybe if he walks more around the halls, maybe if he eats more vegetables, maybe if I make the tea he likes he will sleep better at night. With all the "experience" we already have under out belt, each time are new adventures and issues that pop up that we do our best to handle.

As a woman and even more so a mother, we try and fix everything! We try and make everything better for those around us. We are nature born caregivers. I see this next trip to the hospital as another challenge to make things better for Zack. I know that I'm not one hundred percent responsible, but I sure as hell am going to do my best again to make this as easy as possible on him.

We will know for sure tomorrow when the lab work comes back if we continue into the hospital. We will also find out when he goes to the clinic to be marked for radiation. Through everything, we continue with amazing love and support from family and friends alike. Zack's friends are already promising visits to the hospital and I'm positive while they are there the time will go faster. What more can we ask for? The journey continues.

Has anyone seen my son?

Sunday is uneventful. I would be able to share Zack's day, but that would require me seeing him! He woke up around 10:30 (just a few minutes after I did.. lazy day for sure), got dressed and headed out to help one of his friends work on his truck.

I on the other hand worked on finishing the kitchen counter tops. I actually feel like cooking something, a miracle in itself. I rest a while, then work a little, rest, then work. It is a relaxing day for me. I know the week ahead is full of hospital stays, and trips to Asheville so I "nest". Nesting is always a good way for me to feel good about leaving and knowing that all (or most) would be in order when I return home. Frank is great about keeping up with the house, laundry, etc.. Zack? not so much, but he's learning.

Off and on Zack checks in and tells me he is feeling well. He is helping Mickie put camo detailing on his truck. He ran to Lowes for me and picked up some extra caulking so we got to see him for a couple of minutes. I'm so glad that he was out having a good time, next week is going to be boring for sure, so he will at least have this weeks fun to remember.

It is 7:30 pm and Zack has finally returned home followed by Drake. He shows me the picture of the truck which looks very good. He apologized for being gone all day, (we assure him no apology necessary, this is normal for a teenager and makes us happy that he is out there having fun). He eats dinner which is already cold and we tell him it is time to stay home and get a good nights rest.

We have some friends that are working on a hot dog / gospel singing (Green River Boys) fund raiser for Zack. Details to follow when confirmation of location is available tomorrow. These are some folks we met camping and though they have a great big heart, they are scattered, so until I have the papers in hand with date, time and location this will be all I mention about it. If it works out that will be great, if not, there is something better as we are always "taken care of".

We can start the week with smiles on our faces. Tomorrow, Zack goes to school to drop off school work, and have lunch with his friends. Zack is in good spirits and feeling well. Tuesday we get labs and if all checks out well, enter the hospital for the next series of chemo.

"Are you ready for some football?"

It is Friday and another great day! Zack was feeling much more energetic this morning, he was able to get more of his school work done, hauled off the trash which didn't get picked up Thursday and pick up lunch. I went to Hendersonville, picked up Mom and we met Louis Miles (a very dear family friend for over 30 years) at the Biltmore House, Bistro Restaurant in Asheville. Today's plan? A fun day with Mom!

I stopped by Karen Ann Wall's on the way to Mom's to pick up my Mary Kay order. She is doing a fund raiser and 50% of all sales until this Sunday go to Zack to help offset the medical bills, gas etc... (if interested go to http://www.marykay.com/karenannwall ) There has been some facial cleanser and rejuvenating creams I have wanted to try, so why not now. I pick up Mom and we are on the road after a quick trip to the bank.

Louis is waiting for us at the Bistro with a big smile on his face. Celia could not join us, as she was at a local bookstore selling and signing her latest book. We spend over two hours reminiscing about our time in Spain, Louis' recent trip to Italy, Zack is discussed a bit, but I was determined to make the conversation about something and someone else.

Mom and I were to go grocery shopping,  but that never happened.  We were so busy having fun, at thrift stores and dress shops it was dinner time before we realized what time it was. We ate Chinese and hit the road back to Hendersonville. I call Rhonda and ask her  if she can take Mom grocery shopping over the weekend, since we played all day.

Touching base with Zack off and on, He is having a great time at the Homecoming game with Drake. He was given permission by the Doctors to go as long as he felt well and didn't get too close to the crowd. He told me he was standing near the wall under the bleachers. He was caught off guard when several of his fellow classmates didn't know what was going on. One girl, he told me later, was hugging him and sobbing.

We were all home by 10 pm, where Zack was off again to spend the night at his friends house. It's hard to say no when he is having so much fun and next week is our hospital stay, so we want him in the best possible frame of mind.

It is Saturday, Zack returns home to do some chores, goes and gets some new boots with Drake and when they return (with my car) we go back out to Lowes. I need to get bird and squirrel food and decide to buy some tiles to cover the chipped and peeling kitchen counter tops. Since replacing the kitchen is not an option, I make repairs one step at a time. When we arrive at the store, we are greeted by our own Boy Scout  Troop 701 (Zack's old troop). They are selling popcorn, so of course we had to make a small purchase to support them. Again, we find a few are not aware of what Zack has been going through, so I briefly tell them. While I'm shopping , Zack and Drake run to Subway to get lunch and return to pick me up thirty minutes later. We return home and I begin my new project. First I fill the bird feeders, then put out the new squirrel feeder off the patio so they stay off our porch and begin on the counter tops. Frank returns from fishing and loves the new look, he of course knows that projects like this keep me happy.

Zack advertised parts from his car for sale. Today, one group of people came out and removed several of those parts, which took hours. It was kind of funny, at one point I looked outside and the four men were working on the car while Zack and Drake sat in chair just watching. Of course that was the arrangement. Whomever buys the parts, must take them out.  Once they were gone he runs up the street again to hang out with several of his friends. He calls to see if he can stay out until 10 pm with the agreement that he is staying in for most of tomorrow with chores, school work and thank you notes. 

Frank and I decide we need a funny movie and watch Tim Burtons, "Dark Shadows" with Johnny Depp. It is just weird enough for us to enjoy. Tomorrow is another day of rest and relaxation, (well my version anyway).

I'll take my steak rare please....

Zack stayed home Wednesday, while Frank and I were able to put in full days at work.  He seems to be in a new routine. Texting me at lunch with the school work he completed, asking if that was enough. My response "go ahead and finish the next level of work so we have something to turn in tomorrow." was followed with an "OK".

He was pretty tired today, but forged through with is work. Frank returned home before me and called me to bring home a couple of steaks. He said Zack was quite pale and his energy was very low. I gladly accepted the challenge and not knowing what I was looking for asked the butcher for a couple of good steaks. When I returned home I was shocked at Zack's color, this is why he is having a double blood transfusion tomorrow. His hands, lips, and overall skin color was so pale he was iridescent. These are the times when it becomes hard. When you can physically see the change. His mood was good in spite of everything. Drake came by and asked if Zack could go and hang out with him for awhile. I agreed as long as Drake  took him and brought him back home. 

Once dinner was done, Frank and I sat down for the Presidential debate. We both agreed to behave while watching and once it was all done, we were none the wiser. Zack has discovered several different computer games that are light and fun, so every now and then I would go in his room to "help" him play.

Sleeping beauty?

Today is Thursday  and we closed the office early at noon. The timing was perfect as Zack was scheduled to receive two units of blood at 12:45 pm. The morning went smoothly, every day at work I am more and more myself. Like I said before, the party brought us all back to life and it's amazing how something so simple can be so cathartic. Of course also learning to take care of myself and rest when tired is making a huge difference. 

We arrive at the clinic, the blood is already there waiting for us (usually, we can wait up to two hours for it to arrive) so we are able to get started within 30 minutes. Zack requested that they insert an IV into his arm this time. He is tired of everything going through the port and wants to give it a break. The nurse finds the vein quite easily which surprises her as he is so anemic. She gets blood for labs and once the results are in we are told that everything is right on the border  but when he gets the blood his counts will get better. He is excited as he is told that if he feels well he can go to the tractor pull on Saturday.  

Rhonda stops by with just thirty minutes left on her lunch break. She looks great and it was so good to see her, even if for just a few minutes. We agree to meet for dinner if we are still in town when she gets off work.  Zack is given Benedryl and immediately falls into a deep sleep. He doesn't realize who is there or why. I take the time to do bookkeeping for Franks Company, arrange meetings with the Hospital for payments arrangements and possible financial assistance, order Juice Plus for Zack and me, and yes, even talk more with the "camper dude" to arrange delivery of our much missed pop up camper. 

Before I know it, Dr. Scotthorn walks in with another Doctor. He introduces him as the Radiation Specialist. Dr. M.  We sit down and discuss the next steps. I hadn't realized, but in about three weeks, Zack will be going in every day for radiation on the localized area where the tumor was removed. The Doctor explains the possible side effects are much less than with the chemo. There could be some mild swelling in the area and it could be a bit tender. No pain is expected as he compares it to receiving an x-ray.  We discuss how the tumor was removed and he mentions that there are no previous x-rays or mri's to review prior to surgery. He mentions that Dr. Bridges "did not follow procedure", No kidding!!! I  told him I am going to make sure that he NEVER does this to ANYONE ever again. I mention that I have photos of the tumor when I first discovered it. I open my laptop and show him the pictures. He says that this is so important to have and he is so glad the I have a record of it. It will help him in the marking of the area. He then proceeds to explain the future risks of radiation. Because there is not a lot of studies regarding Ewings Sarcoma and risks of radiation, he can only offer that studies without radiation show a high return on the cancer.  He mentions Hodgkins and Breast Cancer having a high risk of returning because of the locations where the cancer usually is located. The fact that his cancer was in the upper thigh, where there is a lot of muscle, tissue and fat, he feels that chances of returning in the form of a sarcoma are not high, but this is something that Zack will have to monitor for the next 10 - 20 years. The procedure for the radiation is going to be five days a week for three weeks. Zack will go every day, Monday - Friday, the treatment will last approximately 15 minutes. Along with this he will have to continue with lab work once or twice a week, but not chemotherapy. That will resume when the radiation is completed. The Doctor wasn't sure if Zack was going to be able to come alone, only because of the legalities of treating a minor, a detail I'm sure will work out. I could even arrange to take him on my 2 1/2 hour lunch break, so not too stressed about that. Next week, when Zack is in the hospital he will be picked up via ambulance and brought to the cancer center to begin the measuring and marking of the spot where the radiation is to be done. The Doctor even teased and said maybe they would let Zack drive the ambulance over, Zack said "the heck with driving, I want to look under the hood!". A true mechanic in the making!!

I would lie if I didn't say this was another blow. We keep hearing about possible long term effects of all of the treatments, but the bottom line is, without treatment his chances are too high of a risk, one that we are not willing to take. Let's face it, none of us know what our futures hold with regards to health, relationships, happiness, wealth etc.... We all do the best we can to take care of ourselves, to do what is right, but life (as we have been shown) happens, sometimes in spite of what we do and we have to deal with it as happens. to me words are powerful, so you won't see me repeat the "negative possibilities". I believe in being "aware", but not accepting of the "what if's".

The few hours were full of information, work and emotions. I'm glad when they say were are done and don't need to return until Tuesday for pre-hospital lab work.  Zack slept through everything so he is well rested and ready for dinner. As agreed we meet Rhonda and Peter for dinner of  (what else) Steak. Tomorrow Zack will do more school work and turn in what he has completed.  I have arranged for Mom and I to meet our dear friend Louis (his wife Celia has a full day so she can't join us) for lunch. We are anxious to hear about his month in Italy. As I told him in a previous email, I live vicariously through others and need to hear about his journey.  We agree to meet at the "Bistro" a quaint restaurant on the Biltmore House Property, where my sister works at Guests Services. ( ask for her if you ever want to visit the Biltmore House, it is well worth the trip). http://www.biltmore.com/  Yes, I can't believe it either,  I am driving to Asheville again... but to see Louis and take Mom it is well worth it. Besides, they have some of the best thrift stores too! Hey, I can rest over the weekend!

All in all, it was a very productive day! Zack is already starting to feel more energetic and we are closer to the next step. Each day that goes by is another day he is done with treatment. A blessing indeed!

Something smells "fishy"?

Our day started out early. Zack and I were to be at the clinic by 8 am for his next chemo treatment. We groggily wake up and make it there fifteen minutes late. The traffic was so hectic and everyone was driving like mad people. The rain was hitting the car so hard at times it was hard to see out the window. We have learned to take our time when it is like this. It's not worth getting hurt or worse to make it early. We arrive to smiles and rushing around. They have a full day scheduled with every room booked. Zack has his port accessed, but they end up having to give him some medication to clear the port area as it keeps closing and won't let them put the Vincristine in.

Frank had kept some trout on the side for me to bring to the clinic for the nurses and doctors. I wasn't sure if they were interested, so I had left the cooler in the car. When they all expressed that they would love some fish, I went down to the car to collect the cooler. While on my way downstairs, a young man entered the elevator. As soon as we walked outside the skies opened up and it started to pour. We both stood there, he smoking his cigarette and me just standing there debating on whether or not I should get wet. As I stood there, I introduced myself, we shook hands and shared our "stories". He is there with his four year old son who was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of a year and a half. He said that his "little man"  is so brave, so strong. His mother (the boys) lives in Florida and only calls a couple of times a month, so it is up to him and his parents to be there for him. His prognosis is good, but he still has another year of chemo. Today he has shingles and is being put under sedation for a special treatment, he will then go home and has his chemo treatments. The father proudly shows me pictures of his son. What a tough little guy, you can see in the pictures this boy has a fighting will with his expressive face. I explain what Zack is going through and he tells me he just doesn't understand why this has to happen to children. He tells me he has had several people in his family fight and loose their battle with cancer. The rain subsides and we part ways, wishing each other the best for our children.

I return upstairs, the nurse takes the fish and puts it in their refrigerator returning the cooler. I set up the laptop on the desk to send out billing for Franks company and within five minutes the nurse returns, gives Zack his shot and tells us we are all set to go. What? already? It takes me two minutes to close everything up and we are out the door with an appointment for double blood transfusion on Thursday.

We head out for a couple of errands. I actually buy some lipstick! (another thing I haven't used in over three months). Some issues arose where my inner (male) had to show up, but all ended up turning out well so I won't bore with the details. Enough to say, I know how to take care of me and mine and no one is gonna mess with Mama bear! Zack and I headed over to see Mom and Bob, who had Zack's birthday present waiting for him. It was just what we (I) needed. I was in such a state and sitting at the kitchen table laughing, processing and receiving much needed support helped me through the rest of the day. Bob played a game of "price is right" with Zack's present, choose the box or the envelope, the cranes or the box.. we were all laughing and in the end we ended up with all the prizes. A generous gift from Bob to help towards Zack's next vehicle. We laughed so much I'm smiling just thinking about it. 

We arrive home in time for Zack to drop me off and head up the road to see his friends for a couple of hours. I sit in front of the TV with the laptop and finish up with the bookkeeping. I realize at 6:30 pm that I had fallen asleep with one finger on the mouse and the other laying on top of the laptop. I can't help but laugh, I didn't realize I was that tired. A pizza is ordered, delivered and devoured. 

Though the day was eventful in some areas, the areas that matter were calm. Zack had a good couple of days with regards to his treatment. His appetite has been good and mood even better. He is getting back into the routine of school work, chores and play. Though he is already talking about the hospital stay next week and not looking forward to it (who would?) I tell him attitude is EVERYTHING!! and WE are going to do things differently. More walking around, more routine and the time will go faster. He just grumbles and says "yeah, okay Mom, let's go with THAT!" My response "Smart Ass" and we both laugh!!

Excited about work tomorrow. The office is decorated, work is being accomplished with my head being clear and Zack stays home to do his school work. the rain should stay away, so Frank can get a good day of work in.

"Eyes wide shut"

We are on such a high from yesterday's party. I didn't realize how much of a life saver it was, (literally!)  just to have everyone together, laughing, teasing, sharing. For four months now we have been on survivor mode. Starting with the surgery on June 6, 2012 to the diagnosis three weeks later to the weekly visits for treatments, shots, blood transfusions, lab work, x-rays, echo....... Every morning we wake up, where are we going today? What is Zack's treatment for today? which week is this? Is this our week "off"? We were no longer asking what are we going to do for fun? When can we get together with friends? The simple pleasures we once shared were long forgotten. It became a treat to go to bed and actually sleep through the night without waking up worrying.

Zack's Birthday was the "reason" for the celebration, but once it was all done I realized "this is what has been missing!" Frank and I always love having get togethers' with friends and family. Within the past four months, we have totally forgotten that it's okay to have some fun. One of my friends said this is a form of "grief", and I have to agree. The innocence of life is gone, the simple pleasures were gone. I feel like we have been hit by a mac truck and left on the road dead. What we are all going through keeps us serious enough, without living life in between, we have stayed in the state of grief. We have forgotten that it's okay to laugh, have fun, be silly. This party gave that back to us all.

This morning I woke up and was excited! I had a renewed energy that has been missing. The sink was full of dirty dishes we still couldn't wash because of the busted pipes and I laughed! It was full from all the people that were here having so much fun. There had been renewed life and energy in our house. There is enough water for me to run over my hair and I'm fine. For the third time in four months I take the time to put on mascara, I know I'm not going to cry today!

Zack is went with his friend to the clinic for blood work. I knew it was all going to be okay. He confirms by calling me after an hour and is already on his way home. Frank crawled under the house and fixed the busted pipes. Zack later tells me that Dad has been home all day (it rained so we was unable to work) and was actually in a really good mood, even crawling under the house in the mud.

I am in such good spirits at work that I am again joking and laughing. I even decorated the office for Halloween which is still weeks away... I want the party mood to continue and spread to everyone! Let's bring life back into everything we do!!

Zack's counts were well enough for his treatment tomorrow and a blood transfusion set for Thursday. But in between we are going to remember to laugh, have fun and make the best of everything! I see a Halloween Party in our future...

"THE BIRTHDAY BOY TURNS 17"

The Birthday boy opening presents

"Happy Birthday to You!!"

THE BIRTHDAY BOY

SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS

AND FAMILY

Hans playing with his food

THE PARTY WAS INSIDE

AND OUT SIDE!

FRIENDS AND FAMILY ONE IN THE SAME

AUNT AND NIECE

THE PARTY PATIO

SANDY, ALWAYS IN MY HEART

LARRY, LAWREL AND DEB

OOOOH TOO MUCH FOOD!!

BFF NANCY, STEVE AND ALLIE

SO MUCH WONDERUL FOOD
FROM EVERYONE!

"They" say a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case it is so true. We had such a large group of loving friends and family (not that there's much of a diffence with these folks). Everyone that came has been a part of our life for so many years, some of them even before Zack was born. We all came together to celebrate an amazing young man. (okay, maybe some came for the fish). What an amazing day. Those that haven't seen Zack in awhile were able to see that he is doing well, hear some of his journey and be there to love and support him ( and us).

Most of the day Zack was sitting in a circle of young men, cousins and friends alike, making jokes, looking at his charred car, and laughing about this and that. Frank was busy with Hans cooking the fish, some fried and some grilled, all delicious!! Frank and Jeff fished most of the year to catch enough for today's meal and was it ever worth it.

There were people in the kitchen, dining room, living room, front porch, patio and driveway. It was standing room only, around 30 + people in all.There was fish, hush puppies, potato salad, guacamole (my first try at making it), beans, cakes, banana pudding, rolls, macaroni and cheese, sausage balls, fried mushrooms, halapeno poppers, chips, dip on and on and on..... At the end of the evening there was a little fish, some potato salad and a little bit of cake. Everyone had fun with my Kuerig coffee maker (my favorite gadget I purchased at the beginning of the year).

The energy was awesome! The noise level through the roof! THIS is what we all needed. THIS is what has been missing. We always love to have cookouts with friends and family. We missed doing this on July 4th weekend as we decided it was better to get out of town just after the diagnosis, ( a decision I am so grateful for as we needed that more than anything ).

Somewhere in the middle of the party I noticed the water level was low. I went out and told Frank, we did nothing. Awhile late I went out again and told him it was even lower. Was the well drying up? NOPE another pipe burts under the house. Everyone started to tease about our party "curse". The last party we had a tree nearly land on someone's car, the party before that something else big happened though for the life of me I can't remember what the heck it was. NOW, no water!!! and 30+ people that need to use the bathroom!! YIKES!!!

Everyone went with the flow (pardon the punn). When they needed to use the bathroom, I would run outside and turn the water on, they would flush and the water would be turned off again. All the ladies kept going to wash the pots and platters to no avail. I just laughed!! For once they couldn't clean my kitchen, I needed to wash off my hands so I went to the water feature and got my hands wet. Hey roughing it isn't all so bad.

The party lasted about five hours. It was so wonderul to see Zack having a great time with everyone, we had a chance to catch up and re-bond with friends we haven't seen in months. Zack went to hang out with his friends and Frank crawled under the house to fix the pipe, with no luck. The part he had was the wrong size and the hardware store was closed. Oh well, no water until tomorrow. We've been there before, we can manage.

For now, I will sleep well. It was a wonderful day full of wonderful memories. Tomorrow Zack and his friend go for lab work to see if he is able to continue on Tuesday with his next round of chemo. For today, life was just like it has always been, full of laughter and fun. This was the energy boost we all needed and we count our many blessings.

More Blessings....

Mom and I had a great day together on Friday. It took me awhile to get in "the groove", but once we started visiting our usual places it felt like I was just there. We went to a couple of thrift stores, had a wonderful lunch of fish and chips at the local Pub, went to the post office and landed in Walmart for some grocery shopping. We managed to take time to see my "other sister", Kathy, (manager at Steinmart) and she gave me the best hug. We haven't seen her since the diagnosis, so it was great to touch base with her and the other ladies Mom used to work with.

These days we spend a lot of time sitting in a room waiting for tests or treatments to be done, so not being used to spending a day running around, at 3:30 pm it hit me. I was all of a sudden exhausted. Mom was keeping up better than me. I'm on this medicine for the diverticulitis and it has me wired at first and then I bottom out in the afternoon. I only have one more day left to take them, so hopefully next week I will be back to normal, (whatever that is these days). We stopped at Krispy Creme (that's right SUGAR BUZZ!) for a break and that perked me up a bit. It was just nice to spend the day with Mom, see Bob and all the little puppies. When I walk in their house, you would think I was the most important person there. I can feel the Love!!

Zack spent the day mostly sleeping, He was tired from the week and had a hard time sleeping the night before. He managed to get some school work done, but when he is that tired, it's hard to fuss at him for not doing more. There is plenty of time over the weekend for him to do more.

It's Saturday, we are getting ready for our annual fish fry and Zack's 17th Birthday. He didn't want a special party, so he just asked us to have our fish fry. Luckily his counts are good, so he will be able to see everyone, of course no one coming has been or is sick, all our and his friends know the danger in that.

Today was awesome! Frank went fishing for awhile. I wasn't able to sleep past 6:30, so I went ahead and got up and started to get the house in order. There wasn't that much work that needed to be done so by noon I was finished and able to sit and watch TV. After a bit of a rest I decided to finish the rest of the third quarter bookkeeping so that I could get it to our CPA early. Now, we never know what is going to happen, so it's best to get stuff done when we have the time. It feels so good to have it all done and ready to go 15 days ahead of schedule. Putting Quickbooks on my laptop has saved me so much hassle and makes it a lot easier to stay on top of it all. Just because "life" have changed, doesn't mean "life" gives us a break. We still have to do everything we were doing before. Someone actually told me when Zack was first diagnosed that I would have to quit my job because I wouldn't be able to keep up with everything. WRONG!! I see that as a challenge, tell me what I can't do and watch me soar! Of course, I am finally learning to rest when I need to, which is not that easy for me.

Zack stayed up at Drakes for the night. He came home this morning long enough to haul off a load of trash to the land fill and help Frank and I install a new ceiling fan in his room. His other was from a thrift store and was impossible to balance. This one is nice and he is so excited that it doesn't dance around. (It's the simple things that makes him happy these days). He was also at his friends house working on the ATV on and off today. They are getting it back in shape, it's been sitting for a couple of years and just needs some fine tunning. He is feeling really well and is excited about tomorrow's party.

I received a call from one of our dear friendsKaren Ann asking if it was okay to do a Mary Kay fund raiser for us. She has put the information on Face Book and has promised 50% of all sales on her site to go to us. She and her husband watched as his mother passed away from bone cancer and wanted to do something for Zack. The blessings just keep coming!

Like I said before, something else is in the works.. but waiting for confirmation.. so I will keep you posted....

I will leave the post with a video of our new friend... a white squirrel that found the food I put out for him. Nature is the one thing that grounds me. The birds, squirrels and yes even frogs are a large part of our landscape. I hope you enjoy!

We're outta here!!!

As I headed out to work this morning, I was hoping that the day would run smoothly, that my head would be on my work and not my son, that I would get a lot accomplished and leave at the end of the day feeling as though I had put in a full day. It was an amazing day! It went so smoothly. At lunch I walked to our local European style restaurant , where I sat outside in the warm sun and had my mussels and french fries (Belgian comfort food). Once finished I walked downtown to check out Mom's jewelry booth, fluffed it up a bit and then returned to work the afternoon shift.

Frank and Zack headed out early this morning for his Neulasta shot and lab work. Originally we had been told we would also have to go in tomorrow for labs and possible transfusion. Most of the visits have ended up being half to a full day at the Center. Today, they are in and out in two hours. Imagine my surprise when Zack calls and tells me that we don't have to return until Monday because his blood count, platelets etc.. all came back well. Music to our ears! 

I immediately email Mom and tell her to get her shopping list ready, we are having a girls day out tomorrow!! A day without cancer. A day without bookkeeping,  medical bills,  phone calls, worries,  problems. Just a simple day of grocery shopping, thrift stores and relaxing lunch that doesn't involve a bag ( ie fast food).

Zack will have a normal day of school work. NOT his most thrilling of days, but since picking up the ATV tonight from Linda's house I have a new way to "threaten" him. No school - No ATV.  Hey a Mom's gotta do what a Mom's gotta do. 

We are having a fish fry / Birthday party for Zack on Sunday. We are so excited, this will be our first party since the diagnosis and it will be wonderful to be surrounded by all our friends and family. For the first time in weeks I am feeling great, Zack is full of energy and feeling well and Frank is excited to cook all of the fish he and Jeff have been catching for the past few months. It is a time to celebrate! My "baby" will turn 17 and I am so proud of the young man he is. 

More awesome blessings came today, but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to share until it actually happens. You will just have to wait and stay tuned...............

"Unremarkable"

X-ray technicians have a saying "unremarkable." This is when they don't find anything "bad" in "your" x-rays. I kind of like that term. When I asked Zack what to put in my blog today, he said "I went to Asheville, had my treatment and came home."

"Unremarkable" is immediately what came to mind. I then started to think. How nice it is to have an ordinary day with nothing remarkable and yet, how different is our world when an ordinary day involves going to work while your son goes with his friend for his chemotherapy treatment. When the highlight of you and your sons day was leaving the clinic at 1 instead of 6. When you are relieved to find out that he isn't as dehydrated as you "thought" he was. I rather enjoy an unremarkable day!

I arrive home from work and am immediately go on my laptop, send business statements and balance the checkbook all in a matter of thirty minutes. The phone rings and it is a call from Linda. She had received a phone call from Floyd yesterday. Big John owns an ATV (all terrain vehicle) and since he can't ride anymore, it had been promised to Floyd. Floyd called to ask Linda if it was okay with her, he would like for the ATV to go to Zack. He said that Zack has been through enough and he knows this would really cheer him up. Linda went to see John today and told him what Floyd said, John agreed and said that he wanted him to have it now for his Birthday! I held the cell phone up on speaker and Linda told Zack. He was speechless! He just sat there with his eyes and mouth wide open. He thanked Linda over and over again. He looks at me and says "Mom, I need to Thank Uncle Floyd too, this was supposed to go to him!" He also said that even though he was afraid to see John again, he needs to go and see him and thank him in person. Since we have left this decision up to him, if that's what he wants, I will be glad to take him on Friday after his labs.

So, in the midst of all the unremarkable things today. There was one remarkable surprise that lifted the spirits of one young man and for this we are grateful!

"Try being ME (Zack) for a day!"

Zack and I head out early this morning. It is day one of the beginning of the third month of treatment. our appointment is at 8am and we have no idea what the traffic is going to be with school and work. Zack is in a grumpy mood, he tells everyone it is because he is not a morning person, but that is not the entire truth.

We arrive at the clinic and are greeted by the ever cheerful group of Nurses and Doctors. I had been teasing Zack in the waiting area, trying to sit on his lap, tickle him, anything to get him to smile. He had an empty plastic bottle in his hand which I grabbed and started hitting him with. He jumps up and we are chasing each other around the waiting room laughing. This continues down the hall after they come and get us. Everyone is saying how cool it is to see us cutting up. Our nurse tells Zack how she lost her parents at an early age and how cool it is to have the parents he has. (Smile). He, of course, then offers us to the nurse.

We are asked which room we would like. Zack doesn't care, so I ask for the room with the desk. I decided last night to download Quickbooks onto my computer so I can do the bookkeeping while in the clinic or hospital. I have gotten so far behind (one month) that I took me two full days to become current. Since I know today is going to be a long day, I was hoping I would get everything completed. (which I did!)

They start immediately with IV fluids. It is very important to have his fluid levels high. They can't start his treatment until he is fully hydrated. He had already drank three very large glasses of water before we left the house, and then had two SOBE drinks on the road. Angie is our nurse today, but everyone is coming in to talk to Zack, check in on him, see how he is after the car situation. I just don't know how Angie does what she does. She takes care of all these children each day and on her days off she cares for her Mother and Father who is not doing well with his cancer battle. This woman is surrounded by this disease and yet she is always bubbly and eager to be there for everyone.

The day is long. Zack sleeps, watches TV and sleeps some more. He works on his school work a bit, but the treatment and Benedryl keep in tired. I went to Sams Club for some much needed groceries, non refrigerated of course, ( it will be hours before we are home) and head back to Zack. Shortly after I  arrive Rhonda calls and is coming and picking up lunch for us all. We have a nice, but short, visit as she only had 45 minutes until she had to return to work.

As Zack sleeps, I work on the bookkeeping. As the day progress' his color leaves him again, his mood gets worse, he is tired, nauseous and ready to go home. At 3 pm we think we are almost out the door, but Angie comes in and tells us it will be 6 pm before we leave. They want to make sure he has plenty of fluids in him before going home. They make him drink this really nasty tasting stuff (he actually hold his nose while drinking it). Zack sleeps until it is time to go.

Zack machine starts to beep, a noise we are getting used to. He had already figured our on the first day how to silence it and call the nurse. At least that way we don't have to hear the darn thing. Angie comes in and that is our cue that time is up. I gather all my things, put them neatly into my computer bag and by the time I turn around, he is standing there ready to go. He tells me to take my time, but I know he wants to run for the door, so I rush even more.

As we leave Angie comes back and tells us we must be there tomorrow at 8:30am, (for his second treatment) Thursday at 9 (for his Neulasta shot) and Friday at 8 am ( labs and if needed another blood transfusion). NOW He is pissed! " Why do I have to come back EVERY DAY? I wanted to go hunting on Friday!" It is heartbreaking not to be able to look at them and say NO, he needs a day off. But we know the importance on staying on course. I tell him that perhaps Friday will be a short day, he simply says he doesn't care.

When we arrive home, Linda (mother in law) is there. We had asked her to come as we bought her a small gift as a Thank You for taking such good care of  Franks Dad (who is now in a permanent nursing home, still smoking away and telling his jokes to anyone who will listen). At my request, Frank had called her earlier asking if she could come to town, in her deep Southern accent her response "Oh Lord, what's she gonna do to me?" talking of course about me. Linda and I have always had a funny relationship, we call each other names and can talk on the phone for an hour.... well LINDA can talk on the phone for an hour.  While Linda is visiting  Drake stops by to check in on Zack. He is so cute, he walks in, gives me a hug and says "hey Mama." You can just feel the Love around us.

As everyone leaves, Zack starts to tire again. He must drink another dose of that yucky stuff (not the medicare term) and later tonight another blood thinner shot. Another day is done, tomorrow Chris (one of Zack's friends) is taking him. Let's hope it is a smooth day and he is home sooner than expected.

"My life is a country song"........

"MOM, I'M OKAY!"

The "V" is where they cut to gain access

This USED to be a battery

Well, as great as yesterday was for Zack, who spent the entire weekend with friends, running around, driving his car and being a typical soon to be 17 year old (This Sunday is his Birthday). Today was just the opposite.

Thank God he is okay. Zack called me at work this morning asking if he could drive to get some breakfast (nope didn't make it to the store yesterday either, shooting for tomorrow). On his way to town he noticed white "smoke" coming from under the hood. As the car started to stall, he was able to pull over into the closest driveway. He thought the smoke was steam or perhaps oil that was on the motor. He tried to restart the car again, and all of a sudden noticed the '"steam" turning black. He jumped out of the car, went to the hood where the center was already scorched. He slowly lifted the hood thinking it was a small localized fire that he would be able to control. Once he did so he saw the flames all over the entire motor and slammed the hood down. While running to the house where he had parked he called 911 and knocked on the door to see if they could get him water, no answer, so he turned around and decided that he better get further away from the car. His fear was the car exploding since he just filled the gas tank.  He ran to a nearby church and waited until the Fire Department showed up.  As you can see by the pictures, the had to cut into the hood with their special saw to get the hose close enough to put the fire out.  

This USED to be the motor

He called Frank as he didn't want to bother me at work, (even through all of this, he was STILL thinking about someone else!). Once things settled down and it was time to get the tow truck, Zack called me at work, he says the three words every parent is glad they hear and yet fear "Mom, I'm OK." He explains what happened, he is crying and angry at the same time. He tells me Frank is really angry that this happened to him. Frank then calls me to get a tow truck, since we have AAA I immediately call them and then the insurance company. Luckily I had obtained Comprehensive which covers fire. We are not sure yet what they are going to offer for the car, but we are advised from our agent to get all of the receipts together of all the improvements. It's almost time for me to leave work, but I ask Zack if he needs to me to come there or home right away. He says "No, we'll wait for the tow truck, have the car brought home, I'll see you when you get off work."

They get the car home, Frank heads back to work promising Zack everything will work out. Frank is very angry. He is done with things like this happening to our son and not having control over any of it. Zack get ready for me to pick him up for afternoon appointments. I call him around ten minutes before I leave work so that he is ready to go grab lunch. No answer, No answer at home (after three times),  Every call on his cell goes straight to voice mail! Doc Nancy sees that I am freaking out, she tells me to go go go... "call and let me know he's okay." I run out the door, drive as fast as I can, arrive home, run inside and nothing, no one. "Zack, Zack!!!", I run to the front porch "Zack?, ZACK WHERE ARE YOU??????" still nothing. The dog looks at me as if I am crazy. I run back to my car and snap it into reverse, I decide it is faster to drive to the neighbors house and pray he is there, while backing up the drive I see him running towards me waving his hands. I pull back down the drive, jump out of the car and he runs to me and says "I was at Raz' house."  I look at him and as he walks up to give me a hug I start to sob, I mean every tear I have held in for a month!!!  He says "oh Mom, I'm sorry, my phone died and I went to Raz to tell him I'm not painting my car, I emailed my teacher already and told her the Senior project would be different too, I didn't mean to worry you." Here he stands all composed and I'm falling apart! I look at him and remind him how damn proud I am of him and how he handled everything.

He then shows me the car and calmly tells me everything that happened. It's a miracle he didn't get burned opening the hood. I now realize that for the past two nights I have not been able to sleep. I would wake up with this sense of "doom" and couldn't figure it out. I even saw him in my dream driving the car and something happening, but couldn't make out the details. The minute I got the call the feeling was gone. 

We head out to the Cardiologist and Cancer Center. Zack must have a EKG and Echo today to make sure his heart is doing well. One of the treatments (actually tomorrow's) can possibly do some damage so they monitor it closely. The tech tells us that she can't tell us what she sees, but assures us that "I'm not making any emergency calls!" We are pleased, for lack of better words, and head out to the Center. Once there the usual routine begins. This time the lab work to determine if his count is well enough for the next treatment. Within the hour we are told that everything looks good, they do not yet have the report back from the cardiologist, we tell Julia what the tech told us, so she says "oh, well it's probably okay then, they will send us the report in the morning. Be here at 8 am!

As we head out, Zack starts to liven up a little bit. We stop by Biltmore House Guest Services to see my sister. We fill her in on all the latest. She offers to bring us lunch tomorrow while at the clinic. Something to look forward to. As we continue our drive home, Zack starts to make up a country song. He says his life has become a Country song. I can't even remember the words he and I came up with, but we were laughing so hard he almost spewed his drink all over my car. It felt so good to laugh, his mood got better and he started talking about the next steps. 

The one thing this kid has learned and been taught is, "life can throw a bunch of crap at you, but you can survive and know that something better is around the corner." It always has been for our family, so why wouldn't it be. 

Tomorrow is another day. We are on course with his treatments which means we start month three!

 

the tortoise and the hare... with update...

Even though I had a rough night's sleep, my pain level is way down. I realize that I did the right thing by going to Urgent Care. I am determined to force myself to sit and relax today, no matter how crazy it makes me. My son, on the other hand, wakes up with a bounce., he is full of energy (which is common with blood transfusions)  He is ready to go to his friends and work on his car, he just wants to get in his car and go anywhere.

One of our dear friends, Hans (an AA pilot who lives in Cary, NC) came to visit yesterday and spent the night. He and Frank were in the home office reviewing our mortgage and how to go about refinancing our house. Not my ideal way to wake up, but if it helps Frank feel more secure with our financial situation, I'm all for it.  Hans heads out to meet with his brother as Zack runs to the local eatery to grab us breakfast. (as usual the frig is empty, that's one thing we keep forgetting to do). I set up my laptop in front of the couch, turn on the TV and get settled in for the day. (My state of mind is so weird that it took me all day just to write the two blogs). 

Zack returns with breakfast and is so excited about running out again he leaves his two biscuits on the counter. I immediately call him, he can't believe he did that, we both laugh and agree to meet at the top of the driveway. He runs off to hang out with his cousin Darrick until he had to leave for work, then he moved on to the next friends house and it's pretty much been the same all day.  He came home long enough to eat dinner and we finally convince him it's time to stop. He has all this energy, but we don't want him to get worn out either. 

He returns home to take a shower after another short run to his friends house and asks to spend the night at Drakes. I'm already in bed and it's only 8 pm.  I'm in a bad mood, angry at everyone and everything and don't even know why. All day I'm emotional. Happy, Sad, Angry and Agitated. I'm felling better, but want to be alone and not deal with anyone or anything. Zack comes in the room to tell me of his day. He is so excited about everything he has accomplished, it's so good to see him this way. He looks at me and says "Mom, are you okay?" Well of course, I start crying and apologize. He shouldn't have to see me this way, he shouldn't have to worry about me. I tell him I'm not sure what is going on, I've been emotional all day. He reaches out his hand to me and tells me "Everything has probably built up Mom, this has been a rough week." He is such a sweet gentle person, going through all his stuff and yet sympathetic to my emotions. I agreed with him and teased about how he is going to make it worse if his dirty greasy hands leave a print on my bedspread, we both manage to get a good laugh in. I know it's more than that, it's something I don't have control over. I know my body and know when I am chemically imbalanced. Right now I feel like I did years ago when I was on steroids for poison ivy. I research the medicine and am reading it all out loud, Zack says "Mom... that's the same stuff I'm on for part of my treatment", one of them has a metal taste and has the same possible side effects. He tells me "hey, you kind of know what my stuff is like." I remind him that NOTHING I am going through is REMOTELY like what he has to endure. Part of him likes the idea that we have one of the similar medicine. In the research and see steroids mentioned on one of the meds, but I really don't know what I'm looking at. I decide to chill and call the pharmacist tomorrow.

We go over his school work and sync our apps on our phones. My list of 8 over due items, goes down to 3 which he plans on finishing tomorrow evening. With his Mom again laughing, Zack decides to make a quick exit. He takes his shower, comes into the room, gives me a hug and is out the door. Frank is chilling on the couch after putting in a full day of outside work and vehicle repairs, so all is quiet. I am hoping for a good nights sleep and waking up in a good mood.  Tomorrow is business bookkeeping... if I feel like it!

Update on Frankie Bones: Me... being me.... called and talked with the manager tonight. I explained what happened with Zack and his baseball cap. She apologized and said "there is no reason why he should EVER have to explain his condition!" she went on to explain that they have a woman that comes in there who is also under treatment and has told them she will not take off her hat, they welcome her and offer her a table in the lounge (which is where we sat). She said we would never allow someone to leave just because of the hat "rule", the owners are simply trying to present an image. I told her on her website introducing "Frankie" he is wearing a Fidora which could be misleading, she said "even Frankie checks his hat at the door, BUT your son will NEVER have to do that again!" She said she would love the opportunity to meet him and apologize in person and because she knows the appetite can be off with treatment, she would love to give us all free desserts. The bottom line: They have a rule, but it's not iron clad and we can feel welcome there anytime. I told Zack and he was like "Cool, it wasn't really that bad once I got used to it Mom, but Thanks for calling."

"I'm just here for the ride!"

So our "Fun" Friday didn't turn out quite so fun. I wake up for the second day with even more pain in my intestines. Child birth was easier! Zack was trying to get a couple of his friends to go with him to the clinic, but without luck, so I buck up! he is my priority. I decide I can wear my mask, my temperature is normal, so I don't feel I'm contagious. I call Mom and tell her we are on our way, (she too has a doctors appointment right around the corner from the clinic). I'm moving very slowly, with every move is a sharp pain.

We arrive at Moms house'a just in time to learn that he Doctor had to cancel her appointment. She decides she wants to come along for the "ride", little does Mom realize what today's ride was going to be. During the car ride, Mom tries to convince me to go to Urgent Care (I had already called my OB, but he couldn't help me). I tell her, "let's just wait and see".

We arrive at the clinic. Zack is all excited, he "knows" we are going to be in and out of the clinic. Just taking his labs and we are out heading on to the fun part of the day. Wrong!!! Within an hour Melanie walks in and with a sad look, tell us he needs two units of blood. She tells us that she is surprised he is doing as well as he has been. Since he doesn't like us to mention his color, I have almost stopped looking or reacting. He was quite pale, no color in his lips at all, but his energy level has been great so we are surprised at the news. He tried to be cool and said "okay," but the minute Melanie left, his eyes teared up and he covered them with his hat. He became angry and said he was fed up with "surprises". 

Knowing that we were going to be there for several hours and the pain increasing, I decided to go ahead and go to urgent care. Melanie told me Zack was getting Benedryl which would pretty much knock him out and she would make sure Zack was okay.Mom being there added another level of security for me. 

Sisters of Mercy Urgent Care was only 9 miles away, so if anything I could run right back. I knew at this point I needed to do something, this wasn't getting better and I better not end up in the hospital, that wouldn't help anyone! The entire staff at Urgent Care was so caring. They did the exam, took three x-rays and determined that it was diverticulitis, their original concern was a blockage but that all checked out well. The treatment given was two different antibiotics and if not better by Sunday I am to go to the ER. 

I return a little over an hour later with lunch for us all. Zack is half asleep, but the minute I walk in with food he perks up. Mom is probably starving at this point, but doesn't let on. I was able to get my prescriptions filled downstairs at the clinic. The pharmacist sees me and remembers that Zack is my son. I have only had his prescription filled there once, that is the kind of personal attention they offer. Zack continually was having his blood pressure and temperature monitored. He was running a low grade fever (100 degrees for him means hospitalization), so Melanie was getting concerned, then she realized that Zack was sitting in the recliner with the massager AND heater on. Once he turned off the heater his temperature was normal.  We all had lunch together and once finished Zack feel sound asleep. I laid my head on Mom's lap and fell fast asleep as well. An hour or so later, Melanie comes in to tell Mom and I that there is an empty room next door so Mom can sit in the recliner and me on the couch. It will be about an hour and a half more. So, she and I moved into the next room and within a few minutes I was snoring so loud the nurses heard me outside in the hall. Once the treatment was completed we were given the okay to leave with the next appointment on Monday for an Echo Cardiogram to be followed with more lab work. Once we have the results of the labs, we will know if his next treatment starts on Tuesday.

Zack is, of course, anxious about getting back home to work on his car. Realizing it will be too late for him to work on his car by the time we get home, we decided to grab a bite to eat at Frankie Bones on the way. I'm still in a good amount of pain, but am hungry as are Zack and Mom. We walk in and not being 100% "there" a lady walks up to Zack and asks him to please remove his cap. Zack doesn't go anywhere without it on. Mom had asked him earlier in the day if he misses his hair, he tells her "not as long as I have this!" and points to his hat. I'm confused, normally I would have walked out with them in tow, but not feeling well, it took me awhile to realize what just happened. He removes his hat and are shown to a booth. All of a sudden his mood changes, I ask him if he's okay, he points to his head. I apologize to him and tell him he looks handsome with or without it. We finish our meal and upon exiting Mom stops to talk to the hostess. She tells her about Zack and how humiliating it was for him to have to remove his cap, how what they are asking does effect certain people without their knowledge. At eighty and pretty much deaf (she doesn't want to converse much with anyone because she can't hear) she kicked butt! She was standing up for her grandson and stood in when I couldn't. The day may not have been "fun", but I'm so glad she was along "for the ride". She is so much more valuable than she will ever realize. 

No, It's not Halloween.... yet!

Today was an amazing day. Not for me health ways, but for seeing again all the amazing people in our lives. I woke up this morning with intense intestinal pain. It subsided off and on throughout the day, but grew with intensity tonight. I took a nice hot bath hoping it would relax my muscles and I all of a sudden had the chills, so I took my temperature. It is 100.3. I know that is low grade fever, but since coming home I have sequestered myself to the bedroom. When Zack wants to tell me something, he stands at the door and talks loudly. I am wearing a surgical mask in bed and let me tell you, I look so glamorous!  Zack has his labs tomorrow, since I 'm in this condition and we don't and can't take any chances with him, he is going to get his friend to go with him. Hopefully by the time I need to take Mom for her appointment I will be feeling better. If not, we can't take chances with her either and will need to re schedule. I really really hope I feel better, I need Mom time with my own Mom!!

Sue, my friend since High School (1974) and I met today for some catching up. This is the first time we have seen each other since Zack's diagnosis in June. She and Nancy are working together on a fund raiser for Zackman. She took me out to lunch and we then went to the bank and opened a special bank account for Zack's fund raiser. Sue and Mark made a generous donation to open the bank account and she and I both sat in the bank nearly in tears as we were hugging. We feel so blessed and spoiled right now. Who would have thought that she and I would still be as connected (ME) for so many years and would be sharing this journey with us. Their plan is totally cool, but not mine to share, so you will all have to just wait and see. But it's going to be fun, that I know for sure. 

Zack has had a couple of very good days! He is feeling good and continues to get a lot of his school, house and car work caught up. We are so glad he is having a good week, he has had so many rough times of late and it's time for him to have more good days. He received his grade for one of his first tests and got a 97. The teacher was very pleased as are we!

Well, better sign off for now. Need to get some rest and let my body heal!!! Thank you again for your continued prayers, emails, texts and phone calls!! We KNOW we are not alone!